Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Last night I was thinking of all the things I do have in my life. I have three great and loving dogs that just adore me. I have a wonderful horse whom I can do basically anything with. I have a great place to live that I like very much. I have a good job that is fulfilling and is a service to the local community. I have my roomate as a good friend and support for me. She always lends an ear when I need it. I have all my great horse friends who really look up to me and my knowledge of horses. There is nothing like good friends at a barn to make someone feel good. I am financially stable. I'm definately not wealthy or even comfortable, but I make things do month to month. I have a lot going on in my life which are all positives.
I called Greg last night (again) and he was kinda distant and not talkative at all. I knew it had to do with how I have been acting lately. I've been pushy and annoying and over analyzing things to death in terms of our non-relationship. This in turn puts added pressure on him which he does not need in his life right now and annoys him and makes him want to withdraw from me. I felt terrible, like I have been pushing my friend away because he doesn't want to deal with my drama. Since when did I become such a drama queen? I need to believe in the confidence that is in myself and go about my life. I think I'm so used to molding my life around someone else that I don't know what to do on my own. Again, that need to nurture and take care of someone has morphed into a suffocating bitchy monster. I know what I need to do but I hate it. I need to give Greg his space. If things are meant to happen it will no matter how many or few texts or phone calls I throw at him. I care for him very much and see a lot of great qualities in him that is very hard to not be attracted to. But the last thing he needs is some clingy girl putting added stress on him. And to be honest I need to stop stressing myself out with thinking of him so much. I DON'T NEED A GUY RIGHT NOW!!! I think I need to make up stickers and stick them all over the place where I will see them on a regular basis. I need to be happy with myself. Summer is coming, and I'm losing weight and working out. I want to focus on having fun and not dissecting it until it becomes a job. I have horse shows to look forward to and long trail rides and swimming with my horse at the beach. These are all things that I enjoy and like doing. Stick to what you know Molly, let go of all the crap your holding onto and start living your life. It's a beautiful day, I got plenty of sleep last night and I'm going riding after work tonight. What else is better in life than that?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Earlier that Friday I made plans with a guy friend of mine who is interested in me, but I'm not really into him, to go out Sunday afternoon and just hang out and get to know each other better. I told Greg about this since we tell each other everything. He was kinda short with me on the phone and I just let it go. Half an hour later I get a text from him saying, and I quote "I can't say that I'm not a little jealous." WTF!!!! He knows I'm totally into him, that he's a great and awesome guy and I could only be lucky to be with him, but he gives me the shaft all the time, saying that I'm too emotionally invested blah blah blah. And now he writes me this....this is what's confusing to me. So I try and talk to him about it later and he says that obviously he has feelings for me. Ummm, well not that obvious to me. But that he just doesn't need a relationship right now, he is still healing from his marriage. I hear that totally, but let me know how you feel. Because I basically give up the hope that someday we'll hook up. I'm trying to force myself to move on because I don't think he likes me at all and now he pulls this crap. Even when I'm mad or upset with him, it doesn't last because he is such a good guy. I am seriously messed in the head, or maybe in the heart, who knows?! So it was kind of a tense weekend for Greg and I.
But back to the horses, the things that really matter hehehe. Saturday I got up early and my roomie and I went to breakfast with Greg and then headed to the barn with all the dogs in tow. The forecast called for bright skies and temps in the 50's again. What actually happened was that it was thick with clouds all day and it was about 35 degrees. Despite the cooler temps I got Aragon out and cleaned him all up because a woman was coming to look at him to potentially breed her TB mare to him. Aragon is just such a sweetie despite his horomone levels. I spent over half an hour scrubbing him clean and show sheening his body and polishing him up. I tacked him up and since there were a bunch of other horses in the arena and I didn't want to get him too sweaty by longing so,I just got right on. He was great and away we trotted. We even did some little jumps of about 2'3" and I just love his jump. He is sooo smooth but really rounds his back and due to his uphill build he lands and is right away there to do whatever you want, unlike Possum who likes to land on his face a lot and you have to sometimes wrestle him to sit back on his haunches. After the ride in the arena and showing him to the woman, I decided to hit the trails with him. He was great. We walked and trotted and cantered really working on keeping him straight since he just loves to canter completely sideways down the trail. Something that I'm sure he picked up on at the track. He was such a gentleman and so fun to ride. He didn't jig at all on the trail ride and I was able to ride him at a walk on the way home on a long rein with my hands on the buckle. He was snorting and relaxing and just enjoying life.
Yesterday, Sunday was a horrible day weather wise. It was pouring rain and the temp was raw and cold. Despite the weather my roomie and I were dedicated to ride our ponies in the arena. We set up a course of about 2'9" and did out warm-ups and then trotted the courses first. Our focus for the way was straightness and striding. I knew as soon as I got on Possum that he was a little frisky and even did little crow hops the first few canters. We had some struggles and words, but I have to say that at the end of the ride he was doing much better. When he is strong and heavy like that it is hard to work on my equitation, therefore my back was killing me after the ride. He was sweaty and gross and I was sweaty and gross and walking like a 90 year old woman! My dogs were also absolutely disgusting soaked from head to toe with mud and manure thrown in the mix. I put a new heavy blanket on Possum with a hood to keep him warm and dry and threw him back out after giving him some new treats that I recently bought at Tractor Supply open house localy. I then gave Aragon a whole handful of treats which he gobbled up. Tonight I work till 6P so I will not be going to the barn, but tomorrow I hope to. It's still rainy and drizzly today so it kinda makes my mood the same.
The "date" last night was not fun at all. I found him annoying at times, he is not an animal person and there were awkward silences. I tried very hard to be neutral and get to know him, but all I could think about was comparing him to Greg, I swear I'm crazy as a loon. I found myself just wanting it to be over to be alone. Imagine, me, wanting to be alone, that's when you know it wasn't going well. I was just in a funky mood and not really into entertaining. I was sarcastic and short and found myself being a little bitchy. Later that night I called Greg to check in and because I usually enjoy talking to him. He was very short with me and I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but that me asking him was annoying him. I don;t know, I feel a divide coming between us communication wise. I also havn't heard from him yet today and I'm going to stick to my guns and not call or text him. He needs to come to me for once. Well that's about all. More stress with guys that horses try and cure haha. I think I might go home for lunch since I have leftovers from dinner last night and then go to the college for the rest of the afternoon.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The really great thing about Aragon is that he is not spooky at all! Even though he can be a little crazy TB stallion, he is brave and really does have a great mind. He walked down the road like a champ and we even had a lous dirt bike go past us and he didn't even blink. We did some trotting and cantering and then walked the rest of the way home. His canter really needs work on the trail as he likes to canter completely sideways, which I teke as a side effect of 8 years on the track. But he wasn't unreasonable and still kept his mind about him. It was just a great ride all in all. He was pretty tired when we got back to I stripped him down and gave him a good grooming, Next time I'll have to get some pics of him in riding gear, he really is such a handsome guy. My hopes this summer with him is to do small courses i nthe ring and do lots of trail riding. It's good for his brain and body to have a job, and I like to think that he kinda likes me too.
As for the guy thing, things are slowly marching on. Greg and I talk on a regular basis and he's having a hard time right now and it makes me feel good that I'm the first one he talkes to about stuff that's bothering him.
Not going to the barn tomorrow since I have to work late. I also rode Possum Tuesday and he was pretty good. We put all the jumps up to 2'9"-3' to mimic that at the show. Our spots were great and his rhythm was perfect but he wasn't quite picking his knees up enough and would just nick them. I don't know if he was having maybe an off day, especially since he was having trouble with his right flying change. I felt that he was putting the effort in and I just let it go.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Later that afternoon I rode one of the paint ponies to get ready for a show the barn was going to on Sunday. Her rider isn't very strong or assertive and this pony can be a hot ticket so it was time to play good cop and bad cop. We worked a lot on the flat with bending and listening to inside leg outside rein. She woould much rather go around turns like a dirt bike then a normal balanced pony. She was actually getting quite pissy at me, but was starting to improve. Then we worked on some jumping concentrating mostly on being straight through the lines and after, again not cutting those corners. This pony also loves to take BIG spot to jumps. Basically launching herself, she is not afraid of anything, but we worked on getting to the base of the jumps and having nice and relaxed strides. She actually did quite well, but by the end of the ride I was exhausted. This pony is the like the energizer bunny and it takes a lot to not only correct her but to keep her there. I hoped that when the girl had her lesson the next day before the show the pony would be so glad that it wouldn't be me riding her that she would be a little more attentive to the other riders aids and use some of the things we had worked on.
Saturday the barn was a zoo. The day before a show is always crazy. The indoor was packed tighter than a can of sardines. All of the crossties were full with people pulling manes, cleaning socks, shaving bodies and braiding manes and tails. Possum and I were barely able to even get around the ring, nevermind really having the chance to work on a lot. I decided to stick to cantering 20m circles and work on our canter-walks. Our downward transitions can always use some work. Then after riding I stuck him in a stall to munch some hay because we couldn't even make it out of the indoor because it was so full of horses. I love the hustle and bustle of a barn though. Everyone's excited and nervous and we chat and talk about what we all need to work on and just to ride our best courses and not worry about the placings. My roomie and I ended up staying there till after 6P and then went home and had dinner while the dogs passed out at our feet.
Sunday I actually got up early, took a quick shower and let the dogs out and gave them all kisses and headed to the show to watch and help out. It was a little depressing at first to not have Possum there, but the good shows are to come and we'll be at those ones. This is basically a fairly small schooling show but has the classes to qualify for the Medals at the end of the year. On my way to the show I was jamming out to Metallica and eating my breakfast sandwich and apparently had a heavy foot. I got pulled over by a sheriff going 66 in a 45. OOOps! He immediately wrote me a ticket for $215. I was so bummed and disappointed in myself. That was like a whole horse show and then some. I called my roomate and she said she would see if there was anything that she could do for me. I love having a police woman for a roomate heheh. I got to the show and took over duties of doing the girls hair and holding horses and adjusting saddles that had slipped back due to too much show sheen. I went over courses with the kids and watched their rides. For once it was actually relaxing to not have to worry about memorizing my courses, cleaning my boots constantly and waiting for my turn in the ring. It was nice to watch everyone do their best in the ring and I must say that no one disappointed. Everyone rode their best and had their game faces on, and the horses for the most part were on their game as well. The show ended early since we didn't have anyone in the upper divisions. Usually I am the last one showing and everyone has to wait around for me haha. I went home and cleaned my room and washed my bed and folded and put away all of my laundry. I then vacuumed my room and tidied up. I then took a 2 hr nap with the dogs while watching Star Wars.
As for the guy situation, or should I say lask of situation. I just don't know what to do, and I think that's my problem, there is nothing that I can do. I did talk to "G" on Sat night and I guess his great relationship with the other woman isn't panning out to be what he thought, hmmmm canI say "Told ya so!" Anyways, Greg has also been a little distant. He bought a girl flowers last week and I found out about it from someone else and asked him about it. It just made me feel basically like shit even though he got all mad at me ad said that their just friends and that she is going through a divorce too and her birthday was the next day. Whatever, I need to somehow reel my feelings in because they are obviously not being reciprocated. I swear I wish I could just get men out of my head, they seem to be the stem of all my stress. I just really miss having someone. I love being in a relationship and doing thing for someone and knowing that I always have someone to talk to and be close to physically, it really kinds sucks. Greg was also all pissy yesterday because girls were fighting over him. I told him they would be knocking down his door. He's a very good looking guy who is well established and funny as hell. For many girls, that's their ticket out of their own life and into his. Greg is very much attracted to the prissy girls with immaculate finger nails and gorgeous hair. Perfectly done make-up and clothes that always flatter and ones you find in Cosmo magazine. I'm just not that girl. I wear jeans for the most part. I like big comfy sweatshirts. I usually have dirt under my nails from the barn, I'm not afraid to get dirty. I wear minimal make-up and always leave my hair down and untamed. And I'm a little chunky now. I can't get down on myself though. I just have to believe that somewhere out there is a guy who will love me for who I am andwhat I love to do in my life. I;m just looking for some normalcy in my life. All I want is steady eddie and normal, is that so much to ask? So ofcourse it's 10:20am and Greg still hasn't texted or called me. I need to stop taking it so personal. I need to stop caring so much about people, especially ones who do not even appreciate it. Again, I have my dogs and horse and cat and love each and everyone individually. They are my life and I wouldn't trade them for all the tea in China. Well I guess I better get back to work, I'm working at the college till 6P tonight so it's gonne be a long day at the office and sitting around. I think I might go to Walmart later and buy a $5 dvd and watch it on my lap top at the college since it's always dead there. Have a great day everyone, and tomorrow I have plans on riding my boy!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I love the fact that I can do anything with my horse. He's up for anything and so am I, we both like to have fun. I can't imagine having a horse who was a stick in the mud. I mean Possum has come a long way from where he used to be, and we have definately become comfortable in our relationship. I feel like I can trust him with my life, I really do. The bond we have for each other is amazing. That's not to say that we don't have our moments and that he never pisses me off, but it's how we end our disagreements that matters, they usually bring us closer together. he is just amazing in his training lately as well and I am so excited to go to shows starting next month.
Sunday was the last time I rode. Work has been crazy and last night I had plans to ride Aragon again, but I was just so tired that I came home, let the dogs out, ate something and went to bed until 7:30P. Tonight I promised the dogs that we would go to the barn. The barn owner called me yesterday and said that a woman was interested in breeding her TB mare to Aragon but wanted to obviously see him in person. She asked me if I had any extra time if I could work him because she has been so busy lately so that Aragon could look is best when the woman came to see him. I said no problem, I enjoy working him and my hopes are to hit some of the trails with him this summer. So tonight Aragon and I have a date hahaha.
As for the guy thing, things are OK. I hung out with the new guy the other night and it is definately NOT a match. He is not big into animals and especially does not understand how important my dogs are to me. He was nice and all, but there was no spark. Greg actually got quite jealous and confided in me that he did get bothered a little, but that he has no say in the matter and is not ready for a relationship. I reassured him that nothing was going on, and even admitted that right now I had no desire to do anything with anyone because I didn't want to mess whatever we had, whatever that is hahaha. Greg and I hung out Monday night and went food shopping and out for a quick dinner. We had so much fun and it's just so easy to talk to him. We joke and kid, he puts his arm around me, I slap his butt. I need to be satsified with the fact that we have a great friendship and that if anything more were to happen this was a great basis. He did even tell me that night while shopping that his biggest fear is losing me as a friend and that I am the person he confides in most. I know this was really hard for him to say with sticking his neck out there. I really took it to heart and gave him a big grin.
Well that's about all for today. Looking forward to getting out of work and hittin the barn. I'm sure the dogs are too. Have a great day everyone.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I did have it out with Greg tgat night and how he was making me feel lately. I was angry, pissy and hurt, but after we got it all out things seemed to get better, more clear. He's right in a way that I like him more than friends, I can't help that, it just happes, he's an awesome guy. He is not ready to take anything past friendship phase, I get that. But he also doesn't have to ignore me or give me one word answers when we're used to talking for hours. The reason he didn't really see it is because he does not feel the way I do. However, he was very upset at the prospect of losing what he calls "one of his best friends". SO I burst open the lines of communication and we are both feeling better about things. Even though we may have different feelings right now, we care very much about each other. He also reassured me that he is not scoping for girls as was my fear and was honest that girls were coming to him, but he was only addressing them as friends. I have to believe him. I just need to focus on the friends piece first and if anything comes from that it's just a bonus.
I did however go out with my roomie to a basketball game last night that one of her new guy friends was playing in. Us' and a bunch of players went out to eat after. I was my usual charming self of making fun of my roomate and being a complete smart ass hahaha. I was dressed in a sexy hooded sweatshirt and jeans woo hoo (note the sarcasm) However, today I was informed that one of the guys thinks I was funny and cute and wants to know if he can have my number. SO I say sure to the third party that asked me, because hell we're in 6th grade right? What do I have to lose? I'm in no rush. I have real feelings for Greg, but it might also be nice to hang out with someone casually that actually takes a shine to me, or atleast talk to him. It can't hurt anything, I guess that's why they call it being single. So today is looking up, not for the fact that all this happened, but because I practically leaped out of bed today and ready to work. I havn't felt like that in a long time. I hope that with the change of seasons, that my moods also will turn more positive. Even though it's still in the 30's, it's a beautiful and bright day. I have my dogs and cat and my beloved Possum. I have plans to be at the barn all weekend again and ride both Possum and Aragon and chill with my horsey friends again.
Quick update on the "G" front. Out of the blue today he texted me saying that he really misses the dogs and loves them very much and to give them a hug and a kiss for him. Oh and also hoping that I was doing OK. Wanna know what my response was.......NOTHING. I am so done burrying and then digging things up again. He made his choice, and ultimately I made mine. We hurt each other equally and it's done. Ofcourse I still care for him and yea I even still love him, it takes a while to not, but I can't keep doing this to myself. He wanted nothing to do with me over the past few weeks and basically told me to fuck off, so I'm just doing what he told me to. Have a great day everyone and be safe.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Lastly this is a pic of a very weak lower leg. I understand that this jump is huge and this horse and rider are of olympic caliber. I have no doubt that this rider is very good, but his leg and position is very dangerous over this fence. This is a classic example of pinching of the knee and having it act like a pivot. His leg has swung so far back that it's probably spurring the horse on the sides. If this horse were to stunble or take a mis step on the landing this rider has a very good chance of being thrown over his head. The higher the fences the more magnified your equatation flaws are going to show through. Because of this riders talent he is able to have control over the rest of his body by having a correct release with a flat back and head up, but from the knees down this is scary. Not only does proper equitation look nice, but it has a purpose and function. It enables the rider to stay out of their horses way and not impede their jumping and also makes it more secure for the rider and safer.
On a side note with the guy portion of this blog. Things suck. I have been really down for the past few days. "G" will not talk to me at all. This actually saddens me and I find myself missing him and wondering how he is doing. Greg has also been a little distant. I know we are just friends and all, but it just sucks when you want to fall back on someone. He is having a friend who is a girl over tonight who is going through a break-up too. I have to admit that she is gorgeous and I have an inkling that Greg finds her attractive. It just makes you wonder because that's how we hooked up too. I need to let it all go, it's out of my hands and whatever happens happens. It just sucks that I feel so alone right now. I can't wait to go to the barn all day tomorrow and be with my horse and friends. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so I should be like friggen superwoman after all this crap!