Friday, May 30, 2008
It's Friday and the forecast for the weekend is wet and rainy and cool. Nothing like sleeping in the camper when it's wet and cold with wet dogs, ohwell what can you do. Gonna try and ride Moonshine a lot this weekend and working on jumping around 3ft cause I really want to take her to the show in two weeks. She is just so much fun to ride although she doesn't have a whole lot of mileage above jumping 2'6". So that's where we're at. "G" didn't call me this morning which I know is a good thing, but it still brings those old waves of anxiety that I really need to let go. Take one day at a time, no over planning, get throught he work day and have fun on the weekend. Don't worry about him or what he is doing, give up that make believe control. Have a good weekend everyone and stay dry.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I'm so glad it's Thursday! I am more than ready for the weekend. I have no definitive plans other than probably staying in the camper and riding my horse. Kinda bumed because to make a long story short I am probably looking for housing on my own now. My previous plans for an apartment next to the barn have fallen through. So I'm back to square 1. This weekend "G" has a truck competition on Saturday about an hr away and may be spending the night, but doubtful considering what the weather report is. Sunday is his birthday! dum dum dum! Just relax, take a deep breath. Things have actually been well and friendly between the 2 of us. He's confused about life in general and I am just starting to sort things out. We're on two different levels right now. Be we had a few heart to hearts and it was nice. Work is crazy busy and the weather is too nice right now, I could think of a million other places I could be. Wanted to end this post with a few pics. The bay mare is Moonshine, the horse I rode Sunday. The picture was taken last fall, she is such a nice mare and has so much potential. And the other one ofcourse is of my appy. Have a great day everyone, and maybe I'll write more tonight. Probably only going to the barn for a few minutes to chat and then have to go home to let the dogs out and my dad asked me to help him put in some docks at the camp, yippee (not).
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Back to the ride. Possum was filthy so I took some time and elbow grease to shine him up. Quickly threw my saddle on and went out to the outdoor which was quite busy. Did our normal warm up routine of walking a few times around, walk halts etc.. Then trotting a few laps to get his back warmed up then asking for some collection and bending with lots of transitions. Did lots of circles and serpentines to try and loosen him up. I could feel the energy coursing in his body. I decided to spend a little extra trotting to get some excess out, my grandfather used to call it getting the lead out of a vehicle. Then did some cantering and transitions, circles, collection bending and practicing some flying changes. To the right he's 100% but to the left it's about 50%. Damn left always a problem. He loves to set his jaw to the left and lean on my leg. I really needed a crop for some reminder taps but didn't have one and decided that I was going to have an enjoyable ride. Warmed up jumping by trotting some lines and then trotting in and cantering out. He was a friggen race horse. As soon as I asked him to canter a line he attacked it like he was being chased by the Great Grizzzly of Alaska. So using my voice in a calm way and asking him to to soften and slow it slowly worked. Only did a few lines because we had some beginners in the ring and it may freak them out to see an appy ass flying past their horse with the rider calmly saying "slow, soften, don't lean". So we stuck to some flat work did some shoulder in and leg yielding and asking for him to become soft to my aids. he did pretty well and I was happy with that. He had worked up a little sweat so we cooled out by walking around the property. It was nice and relaxing and good to feel connected with my horse again. Plus I'm sure he also feels better carrying around a 130 lb rider as opposed to a 150lb rider. And to note, anyone who loses a good deal of weight don't invest in a nice saddle. I bought a 17 in for a reason and now my seat bones are starting to hurt a little. I can put 5 fingers in front and five fingers in back for room. (All you perverts get your laughs in now) Even though I probably need a 16.5in I like the feeling of swimming a little in my new saddle. So I gave him a good grooming, let him graze for about half an hour and then brought him in to have his grain. Turned him back out with his buddies to have his hay and left the barn feeling fulfilled. Actually mustered up the strength to turn on the radio on the way home and listen to some older rock which I enjoyed. SO now setting in for the night. Ran around with the dogs, had a little dinner and am thinking of going to bed. Tomorrow's Friday, I have a long weekend with the holiday and I can't wait for a break from work. Really have no big plans, want to ride, hit the trails and go to the show on Sunday, just need a place for the dogs for a while. I always feel guilt leaving them in the car, even though I know they don't care it just doesn't seem fair to me. But if worse comes to worse that's what I'll do. So everyone have a good Thursday night and a hopeful weekend.
Now maybe I didnt mean to treat you badBut I did it anywayAnd not maybeSome would say your life was sadBut you lived it anywayAnd now maybeYour friends they stand beside they watch you crumbleAs you falter to the groundAnd now maybeYour friends they stand beside as you were flyingOh you were flying oh so highBut then some day people look at you for what they call their ownThey watch you sufferYeah they hear you calling homeBut then some day we could take our timeTo brush the leaves aside so you can reach usBut you left me far behindNow maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNow maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painNo, no, noCouldnt share the pain they watch you sufferNow maybe I could have made my own mistakesBut I live with what Ive knownYes maybe we might share in something greatBut wont you look at where weve grownWont you look at where weve goneBut then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mindAs you trip the final lineAnd that cold day when you lost controlShame you left my lifeSo soon you should have told meBut you left me far behindNow maybe I didnt meant to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNow maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painNo, no, noNow maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNo maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painI said times have changed your friendsThey come and watch you crumble to the groundThey watch you sufferYeah they hold you downHold you downMaybe brother maybe love I didnt mean to treat you badBut you left me far behindLeft me far behindLeft me far behind.
It was one of mine and "G's" favorite songs. So my thumb started to itch and in a moment of impulse I texted him to listen to the station, I knew he would be on his way to work. As soon as I saw that it had sent I got a pit in the middle of my stomach, "You stupid girl" I thought "what are you doing!!!" But it was already done. A minute later the phone rang and it was "G". I let it ring a couple of time and then decided to answer in a nonchalant "Hi" I also popped a piece of gum in my mouth to make it seem even more casual. He said he missed the song and I said it was no big deal, just a good tune. (LIAR!) So we chatted for a few about basically nothing. Told me he went to bed early, got up late blah blah. Said that he went to his friends to have steak. I asked if he worked on the truck and he said no he just watched his brother. Now this is the time in the conversation where I tend to get weak and the inkling of anxiety creeps in. Do I ask who he was with, do I ask who else was there, do I even ask for details at all? I am torn. I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder and they are screaming in my ear. I gave into the devil. So it was just named friend and your bro there? I asked. There was almost a hesitation, something that only I could pick up on in his voice and small pause before he said "yup" God Dammit. I thought to myself now you just opened the flood gates of hurt, doubt and anxiety. Oh God, here comes a wave of anxiety. Just ride it out. So I quickly backed out of the subject and decided to ask the mechanic about the check engine light that keeps coming on in my car. He said that it might be what it needed before or could possibly be new. He suggested that I should have it checked again. "Ok sure." I said popping the gum through my teeth hoping that another wave of weakness wouldn't engulf me. "do you want me to look at it?" he asked. I quickly and rather sharply said "No." there was another hesitation in his voice before he said "you sure?" To make up for the harsh sounding no I said in a softer tone, "yea it's not a big deal right now I'll have it looked at sometime." A buzzer was going off in my head telling me it was time to end the conversation. I quickly said that he must be at his daily coffee stop and probably had to go. he said that he was running late. I said talk to ya later and before he could even say you too or have a nice day I hung up.
I took a deep breath and felt like slapping myself across the face. Now what positive purpose did that solve other then some sick gain on my part to hear his voice again. "Be Stong" I told myself. I'm trying all day not to look at my phone, to not think about the hesitation in his voice when he told me it was just his friend and brother there last night having steak. Stay focused Molly, worry about yourself, immerse yourself in work. I am planning on going to the barn tonight to finally ride my horse. I miss him, I need him I need that feeling of freedom riding on his back as we glide across the arena. OK I feel slightly better. So as I fight back the waves of anxiety and doubt I'm trying to draw upon the positives I have in my life. "I'm smart, I'm pretty and gosh darnit I like myself" that didn't work. Give me some insight people, I need it right now. Signing off until later tonight, have to actually be productive on some level today. Tomorrow we'll talk about how anxiety filled my weekend is going to be with no real definitive plans. Oh and did I tell you there's a horse show on Sunday but I'm not riding cause I can't afford it so just might torture myself and watch anyways. Ok, negative thoughts now, have to think about something else......
The other pic above was taken this Chsirtmas at our barn's holiday party high jump competition. I actually had every intention of wearing my helmet this time, had even brought it down to the indoor and simply forgot. This is our highest jump ever at 4'6", it took my breath away to clear it. My horse is awesome!
The pic to the right was taken a few weeks ago playing around with a 3'6" fence. I'm working on my automatic release.
The pic to the left is from our barn's Christmas Party high jump competition. I actually had every intention of wearing my helmet due to the height, and even brought it down to the indoor but simply forgot. Don't mind my position I was practically picking him up and throwing hin over the fence. This is our highest jump ever at 4'6"
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I was 2 days back at school and I get a call from the trail owner saying that Possum had bit his 15yo daughter in the shoulder when she was feeding him and she had to go to the hospital for 36 stitches, basically taking a piece of her shoulder out. He was furious. He told me right there on the phone that he clubbed Possum on the head with a wooden club and he tilted his head just right and got him above the eye. Possum passed out cold for about 20 seconds and when he woke up the inside of his eye was on the outside. He told me he didn't know if the eye could be saved and he didn't care. He said that he talked to the owner in VT and they had decided to ship him for meat in Canada. The truck was scheduled to get him next week. I was beside myself. I saw so much potential and life in this horse my heart broke. I called the guy in VT and asked him how much he wanted for the horse. I was broke, in college a state away and barely had enough gas money to get me by. The guy said that he wouldn' t let the horse go for less than $1,400. My mouth dropped and told him he wouldn't get anywhere close for that for meat. He said straight up that he didn't care and thought the horse was better off dead anyways. The guy told me that Possum was dangerous and that I couldn't handle him. I called the trail boss and begged him to tell the dealer that I could handle the horse. Eventually the dealer broke down but still stood firm on his price. I didn't have that kind of money. I felt deflated and defeated. Later that week I had a dentist appt and through cotton in my mouth I told them of the three horses from VT. Through stroke of fate and the stars and planets being aligned they offered to each loan me $700 to buy Possum. I was thrilled although you couldn't tell by my drooping lip from the Novocaine. I immediately called the guy in VT told him that I would send him a check and wanted a bill of sale. The trail owner because offered to trailer Possum for free over an hr away to a friends house because I think he felt bad for us. Now your probably wondering about Possum's eye. Well I had an old school vet out that had me put sugar in a straw and blow it in his eye twice a day and keep a fly mask on to protect. His eye within 2 weeks was perfectly normal again. So I paid my friend to take care of Possum for the cost of hay and grain and came up every weekend from school to help her with chores and ride. My goal with Possum was to have him learn to be a horse again and be healthy. He first got shoes on all 4 feet, a good worming and shots and coggins. St first we went for long walks on the lead, ground work and manners and I would even put a lawn chair out in the pasture and read a book for hours just being with him. He slowly started to come around as I slowly started to accumulate tack for him. We used to go for trail rides to a local field and work on some of our flat work. First trot circles, with transitions and then canter. We worked on balance, rhythm and occasionally popped over a log or two for fun. The thing that really bonded us together was galloping. Every stretch of flat dirt or grass we would fly like the wind. he faster the better he thought. We used to fly so fast that the breath would leave me. His legs were like churning pistons and his breathing was deep and rhythmical. We were free when we were galloping, like one being gliding over the hills and roads with no destination. I remember riding the through the woods so far that I would get lost and give him his head and he would always find the way home. We were fast becoming friends. He was stubborn and pig headed and so was I. We used to have our arguments but usually came to an agreement. After a year at my friends I moved him to a draft barn who breeds shires where I was doing chores in exchange for his board. I remember one winter day I wanted to play around bareback. He had his winter blanket on and the paddocks were set up in a big circle. I asked him to leave his friends and he started to rear. I asked him again and up and up he went and then started to go over. I quickly pushed myself off him as he fell and struggled to get up. I was furious and said to him "I bet that hurt and you won't do that again". I hopped back on gave him a squeeze and up and over he went again. Right away I grabbed his lead rope, stripped off my jacket and his blanket and told him that now he was going to work. I ran him as fast as I could on the lead until we were both lathered and breathing heavy. And don't you know to this day his front feet have never left the ground unless it was to jump. That little bugger thought he could one up me, but I was too clever for him. We quickly settled into a routine. We moved to a wonderful boarding facility where he is at now. We started small open shows not doing so hot and then we started to improve. He also loved to jump. I was on the IHSA team in college doing hunter jumpers so knew a bit about it. He started to get stronger and fitter and his form improved through lots of trotting fences and gymnastics. His confirmation isn't bad but he is downhill and a little straight behind. He rides like a dump truck and sitting trot on him jars your teeth. We learned together and improved every year. He is now 13. I have paid of the first $700 dollars to the hygienest and when I went to make pay,ents to the dentist he just shook his head and said that I had done well by this horse and he didn't need any money. There are still good and caring people out in this world that care about the value of life. Possum is happy, healthy and is loving life. We attend many local hunter jumper shows and do quite well. He is doing really well with flying changes right now and is learning that you can take your time on a hunter course. He almost attacks the jumps with the same ferocity that he attacked that girl at the trail riding place in NH. He pins his ears and bares his teeth. Everyone jokes at the barn that it's just more aerodynamic. I know it's just because he loves it. I can honestly say now that my horse will do anything for me. I make him jump in and out of the arena, we hunter pace, trail ride and even competed in our first jumper show last fall at 3'3", he loved that! He always comes to the gate when I drive up. I let him have his free time around the farm grazing and I know he is grateful. Possum would jump through a hoop of fire if I asked him to. He knows that I will take care of him and in turn he can trust me. The only residual effects from his past of abuse is attacking his food, round pen panels and someone jumping up and down near him. Round pen panels we found out the hard way when he got out the fence one day and the barn owner put him in a makeshift stall of panels. His eyes rolled in the back of his head, he got a look of the devil in his eyes and he body slammed them so hard that he bent the pins and was able to run away. The jumping up and down thing I believe is from physical abuse. I tell all the kids not to jump in from of him or taunt him in the fields like running around him because he will attack. I call it PTSD for horses. But other than that he is great and he's mine. He will be one of the main characters of this blog so I thought his story should be told right.
On a side note tonight. I did end up having counseling tonight which was helpful. It helped me to get all this junk with the BF out and get myself back on track. She also suggested that I join an ALANON group to help deal with the things he struggles with and with living with an alcohol abuser for so long. I'm seriously thinking of going. It was good to vent to a person who doesn't judge and is removed from the situation. Tomorrow is Thursday. I hate Thursdays it's not quite Friday and it's not the middle of the week. No word or text from the EX BF, didn't really expect it. I don't know how we can be friends or what he wants from a friendship with me. My counselor posed that question tonight and I was clueless. Why does, and we'll just call him G instead of the ex because that has such a negative connotation, what does he really want from a friendship with me? Can I handle a friendship with him? I don't know the answers to those questions. I'm going to go with how I feel for now and take it as it comes. I miss him terribly but realize that he and I are on different levels right now. I'm trying to get help for my struggles and he's not really sure or aware of his own issues. It's not my place to tell him to get help or how. But I want to be a good friend in supporting him and helping him to realize how things are looking from the outside. Going to bed now, have a busy day tomorrow. Tell me what you think so I have something to read tomorrow.
It wasn't until I recently broke up with the BF that I realized how truly unhappy I was and depressed and how anxiety was running my life. It was him who threw the mirror in front of my face and really gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to see how truly unhappy I was. We ended the four and a half relationship. I moved back in with my parents 45 minutes away and am currently hoping to move into a new apartment SOON! with a fellow equestrian and friend of mine. The BF and I have been keeping in touch on the phone and physically if you know what I mean and it is just this past weekend that I realized that I just cant be that person. I anxiously await his phone calls or texts. I think about him daily, I wonder what he is doing. He has just recently confessed to me also that he has met a girl with a 3yo child that he has starting to have feelings for. And he also points out that he does not want to be with me and is using my body for his own personal jungle gym... FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!! OK, calm down, the world is not over, your still alive, count your blessings, horse, 2 dogs, horse friends, loving family, cat, counselor, oh and medications, those lovely little anti anxiety pills that don't seem to kick in during these moments of "Oh God, I think I'm dying." Is this a test I ask myself. My counselor prefers to call these moments practice. Test is two black and white, pass or fail. Using the work practice means that it is ok to have a redo and back up and try again. I love my counselor and have been seeing her for a little over 2 months. She is the one who refocuses me and grounds me until I come in the next appointment all frazzled and a ball of nerves and emotion all wrapped together.
It was during the periods of depression that I started to lose interest in my favorite activity, horses. I wasn't hanging at the barn as much, I wasn't riding as much. I only wanted to sit on the couch, eat and drink wine and feel bad about myself. I am trying to get myelf out in the world again, make friends and be a participating member of society. But with this set back this weekend I feel myself deflating like a balloon that has been tied to a mail box the weekend after a childs birthday party, just hanging down nearly touching the ground with little puffs of wind to make it move. I need a puff of wind. I need some inspiration. I'm 27yrs old, athletic, failr good looking if I do say so myself. I work in the social services field, college education, no kids and am relativle smart. I just happedn to be an emotional wreck with anxiety and deperssion, just what everyone wants to be around. I equate myself sometimes with SNL's Debbie Downer, wah wah wah! I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to love myself, be loved and bounce out of bed every morning thinking it's a great day regardless of the damn weather.
So what am I doing today you ask? Well I'm getting out of work and going to the barn where I will probably roll 2 cigarettes (yes I know disgusting, but it a few a week get me through) and then think about riding my horse who hasn't been touched in I'm embarassed to say almost a full week. I'll visit with my horsey friends and try and suck some positive energy from them. Then drive the 35 minutes back to my parents where the dogs will greet me with hugs and kisses. Maybe eat some dinner, take care of clean clothes and think about the work day tomorrow. Oh and yeah, I have also been accused of over planning everything in my life hehehe. So drop me a note. Tell me about yourself and your struggles with life cause I know I'm not the only one out there. I'll probably write some more tonight since I am just brimming over with things to say. This is my new therapy I have created for myself like it or not. My life is not a secret anymore, I want to get better and enjoy life and my animals and just plain find my happiness again.