Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thursday morning musings

Hello Everyone. The weather here is Maine has just been wonderful lately. It was actually 90 degrees here Tuesday and now it is in the comfortable 70's. I had a chance to lay out on the roof Tuesday and get a good tan going. I havn't said anything on the blog yet, but I am on a diet. I have cut my food intake in half only eating 1,000 calories a day and am losing weight at a pretty good clip. In just over 2 weeks I have lost 12lbs and I am so happy about it. I already feel better and every time I see the scale go down it gives me hope that I can get back to the weight I was last summer, but doing so in a healthy way. I also have started going back to my counselor to work on some more things that are going on with me. Basically my relationship stuff and learning on getting over the past and living in the present. It's been good so far and we are going to meet every other week for a while. I figured that it was time to get my head straight and work on getting over this relationship crap.

On the horse side of things, unfortunately I have been busy with work and stuff this week, and I have another presentation tonight so I won't be able to ride until tomorrow night, but I also have the whole weekend to hang at the barn. So Possum gets a few days off, I don't think he'll mind.

Onto the Greg thing. Right after I posted Tuesday we actually ended up talking a little. First on text and then he called me. It started when he was here at the funeral home getting ready for visiting hrs and I asked if he could help me get the AC down from the 3rd floor. He did so but in a totally neutral way, minimal eye contact and no small talk. SO we started texting some and talking about what has happened to us. To make it short he said that he and this other chick have hung out a few times, nothing serious and they have not had sex. I felt like he was being honest with me and I have to believe him. He said that tings with us were just getting out of hand with talking all the time and it was overwhelming him. I told him that I understood how he felt. He said that we are still friends and that he's basically doing his own thing right now. I told him I am doing the same. So it ended on a pretty good note. He asked what I was doing later and said that he would call to talk more. I told him not to worry about it, that I know where he is coming from now and we are on the same page. I wanted to show him that I'm not going to jump at every chance of communication. We texted a couple of times yesterday, just on odd stuff and that is it.

Last night my roomate and I had a kinda double date. I don't like using the D word, so I prefer to call it hanging out. I had talked to this guy a few times on the phone and he is very very nice, but there is just no connection there for me. I feel bad and don't want to hurt his feelings. He knows how I feel about getting in a relationship now anyways and that I'm just looking for friends. I was glad to get home last night. It just made me realize how much I liked Greg and how well we got along and how comfortable I felt with him. I need to give myself time to get over those feelings and some time apart from him (not that we're hanging out or anything). So I'm just doing my own thing right now. Hanging with my animals and enjoying the nice weather. Working on just being happy in general. It's kinda hard but I feel a little more at peace as odd as that sounds. I'm happy about losing weight, I'm happy with the weather and I'm happy hanging out with horse friends. That's all I really need right now.

Have a great day everyone. As always please feel free to leave a comment. I love all the constructive criticism I can get. I read them all and take them to heart. Well I'm off to work on my presentation. Looking forward to the weekend ahead. Below are some pics from a ride with Possum Monday night on the trail. We were in a field and it was so peaceful and quiet.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weekend Recap

Sorry it's been so long posting, been really really busy lately with the show and riding and work. Last weekend was really good, very hot up here with highs in the 80's on Saturday, but it's still better then below zero temps. Had a good ride on Possum, only rode for about 30 minutes and we ended on a good note. Then the work of ge\tting ready for the show began. Bathing, clipping, trimming, cleaning, oiling, braiding etc... With help from the barn owner we were able to get creative with yarn and braid Possum's pathetic mane and forelock. It actually looked really decent and he looked like a big boy. Didn't get home until after 9P and took a shower and packed show clothes and finally was in bed around 11 and had to get up the next morning at 4:30a. I actually sprang out of bed and got ready and let the dogs out since they would be cooped up in the house all day.

My roomie and I flew over to the barn and got the horses loaded and they away we went for the nearly 2 hr drive. The show grounds were really nice. All of the people there were also nice and not stuck up like some barns we go to. Possum and I had to wait until 2p until it was our turn to ride. Because we are only doing the 2'9"-3ft this year we are not doing any lower divisions. This is our training division for the year and I am not expecting to be walking away with any championships. We did OK. We had some good moments and some OMG moments. It was good to see where we needed to work out the kinks and gave me some insight on what we need to work on. We placed usually middle of the pack, and there weren't many riders in our division. Possum was a little speedy through some of it and had a near refusal on one jump that totally suprised me. He just didn't like this one jump I guess. The courses were tricky and techincal, even the hunter ones. I was proud of the fact that I didn't forget any of my courses since I had to memorize 4 of them plus a medal test. We did end up winning our adult medal class which I'm happy with and as always did well in the flat classes. The ride home from the show was a hoot. My roomie and me and another girl went with the barn owner and we chatted and laughed so hard that my stomach muscles were hurting.

Yesterday I rode Possum on the trail. I wasn't going to ride him at all, but since he was so speedy on Sunday I decided I would take a little spring out of his step. We went about 10 miles and the trails weren't that bad through the woods. It was so beautiful and peaceful just Possum and I.

The guy side of things. Oh boy. There is this guy who is friends with my roomie's friend and he has been calling me and talking a lot lately. Haven't met him yet, we're all supposed to go and hang out and eat tomorrow night as a foursome. I have been straight with him about not wanting anything serious and letting him know all of the recent events with the "G's" and how I'm pretty bitter right now and just looking for friends. He seems OK with that. He is extremely nice and thoughtful so I'm anxious to meet him in person without the pressure of it just being the 2 of us. I am definately keeping him at ars length right now while I heal and take time for myself.

I did hear from Greg last night through text. I had called and left him a message on Saturday night because I have been hearing from several people that he has been telling others about our physical relationship. This kinda pissed me off so I wanted to call him out on it. He finally texted me last night and said that he hadn't told anyone anything. He also said why would he do that since we are friends. I laughed and asked if that's what he called it and he definately treats his friends differently then I do. I told him before he could respond that I was busy and to have a good night. I didn't want to be a total bitch. He is just so frustrating and confusing that it pisses me off. I just hope he finds what he is looking for..... And yes ladies I did erase his number from my phone but unfortunately my brain is too smart and ofcourse has the number memorized. Atleast I've been strong and not showing him any emotion and how hurt I am through all of this.

Well that's about all. Just hanging in there. Working now at schools for drop-in, kinda boring. Need to clean the apartment tonight since that definately got neglected this weekend. PLus we have a bunch of funerals and visiting hrs this week so that makes things tough. Have a great day everyone

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Feeling really hurt today...

I'll try to make this short, but it's definately not sweet. As you all know things between Greg and I have still been tense and awkward and pretty much sucky. Great friendship, huh? Well last night I was informed by several different people of what is really going on. He is hanging out with another girl. But not just another girl, pretty much the town slut. She's been in trouble with the law, she drinks and parties all the time. She is younger than me and has a son that she does not have custody of. She is however pretty and very skinny. I found out that they went to Cabella's the other night just like he took me and they did the shooting game just like we did and I'm sure that they even went out to eat at the same place that we did as well. This is what stings.

I texted him that now things make sense that I know the whole picture. he wrote back "rumor-heard that whateva"

I wrote back for him not to be pissed at me. It's not a rumor, I don't know if their screwing or anything but I do know they've been hanging out and such and she's been over to his house. I said that it would have just been nice to hear it from him instead. I then went to the movies with my roomie and her family. On the drive home I couldn't resist and did ask if they were screwing, since we had made a pact to tell each other if we were messing around. No response. I asked him why he wouldn't tell me the truth and no response. I was upset by them so I said that obviously I care more about friendship and honesty then he does.

This morning I couldn't resist and just told him that it would be better hearing things from him instead of everyone else. I said that we are friends and he can talk when he wants to and later. No response. I'm just so upset. Not the fact that he is necessarily messing around, but the fact that he can't even have the decency to talk to me about it or whatever. I just thought that we were better friends than that. Guess not. So I was in a down mood this morning and decided to look up some quotes on confidence and self esteem, here is the one I posted on my facebook

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross

I just hope that Greg wakes up. I know that this is probably (hopefully) a phase but I'm just really hurt at how our friendship has taken a definate downward turn.

On a good note, I have a horse show this weekend. I rode last night and rode both Possum and Aragon. Things are good in the horse world.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Once again horses save the day

I had a good long weekend. I was around horses all weekend and that always makes me feel better. Friday I spent most of the afternoon at the barn. I got Aragon all ready and spent extra time grooming him and went to get on him and once we started trotting he felt off. Sure enough he was off behind. There was no swelling or heat or anything. He likes to lay down a lot so I figured he bumped himself or laid on it wrong. So I untacked him and brought him back to his stall, bummer.

Saturday I helped my roomate with her police training. They had active shooter training at a local elementary school and I got to be a bad guy with simunition guns and everything. Their kinda like paintball guns and when you get hit, it hurts. I only got hit a couple of times throughout the day, it was actually a lot of fun. After the training we were going to go get some lunch, my roomate was on duty. She got a call about a loose horse on the outskirts of town. So I grabbed a couple of lead ropes from my car and a bag of treats and away we went. We were on the dirt road and some people flagged us down and said that the horse was a little ways up the road. They said that they had ran after it and it ran away from them. (gotta love non-horse people) We asked if it had a halter or anything on and they said it "has a harness type thingy on it's head." Sure enough about 100 yeards up the road there is this pinto pony about 14.2 eating on the side of the road. I got out of the cruiser and shook the horse treats and he came walking right up to me. His harness thingy happened to be a halter so I snapped the lead onto it and started walking him down the road. He was pretty well mannered except he kept getting his lips too close to me and I whacked him away. For some reason I decided to check. What I thought was a gelding was a little stud pony. Great, a stud pony in the willy wacks of Maine, do the owners even know he isn't gelded I wondered. He did have what looked like saddle marks on his back which I took as a good sign that atleas he is being worked. He was actually a cute pony. One blue eye, nice short back, kinds pudgy and out of shape and pretty nice legs, his feet needed to be trimmed bad but that was about his only flaw, oh and the fact that he had balls hahaha.

So we got him back to his pen. I tied him to his shelter since he had ripped the fence down and gave him some hay and moved the water over to him. Hopefully his family would be home soon. So after we ate lunch I went home and got the dogs and changed and went to the barn and rode Possum. We actually did not have a good ride at all. He was bulging terribly on the landings of the jumps towards the outside rail. It was so bad that I grabbed a crop and just as he was cresting the jump I gave him a wack on the outside shoulder to remind him to stay straight. It started to work slowly. It was one of those rides that you think to yourself, what am I getting into at the next show. But I have to keep the faith. Everyone has an off day and he really isn't used to jumping outside on uneven ground.

Sunday there was a show and I went to cheer on my barn mates. There was only 3 showing and it was nice to sit in the sun in my lounge chair and chat and watch horses go around courses. Many people think that hunter shows are boring, but I could watch them all day. I learn so much by watching others, I have to since I don't take lessons so I absorb it all in. Everyone from the barn did really well as usual and I made it home in time to change and grab the dogs and leave before we had visiting hrs. (remember I live in a funeral home so when they have stuff like that I leave with the dogs so as no to bother anyone) We went to the barn and helped unload and then my roomie and I went out to eat.

Monday, yesterday was a great barn day. It was gorgeous out (it was all weekend) and I got to the barn first thing in the morning since we had a funeral at the house and got Possum all ready and shiny and pretty and rode him for over an hour. He was much better this time out and I gave a little sigh of relief. Our first show of the season is next Sunday so we really need to be sharp and ready. After Possum, I got Aragon out and cleaned him up as well and decided to see if he was better. He was. Still seemed like he was a tiny bit heisitant so we kept it to big open areas and straight lines. We did lots of walking and trotting and only a few canters. He actually did really well and picked up the correct lead every time but once and then quickly corrected it. After working in the outdoor I decided to work on his patience on the trail with halting. If it's one thing that Aragon hates, it's stopping on the trail especially on the way home and he is no dummy, he knows what's going on. But I just stayed calm and sat deep on him like a sack of potatoes. He is very responsive to leg and seat and you barely have to use your reins. HE finally figured out how to stand in one place but still do something. He started to paw incessently. It was actually quite funny and I figured as long as his feet weren't moving over any ground I would let the pawing go for now. Being a hrose was was 8 years on the track he does a really nice job. Because of the riding and stuff his coat and starting to gleam and shine. I love a rich bay, my favorite color. SO after riding the two guys I helped out with stalls to burn some calories and then raked the landing and take-offs of the jump outside since it was starting to get tracked up. Before I knew it I had been there all day and it was great. I'm also really watching what I eat and eating the bare minimum. I did have a breakfast sandwich yesterday and an orange and for dinner at around 5 I had a roast beef sandwich with veggies on wheat, that's it for the day. Today I had a small bagel with a little cream cheese and a handful of cheez-its. Because I hate to waste I'm eating the left over Chinese that I got with my roomie Sunday night and that will be it for the day. I'm trying to move more and eat less. If I can't be happy with my love life, or non-existant love life I'd like to look and feel good physically.

As for the guy side, still pretty much nothing. I did bring the dogs over to "G's" house last night so we could see them. I went for a walk while they hung out and we talked minimally. It was really hard and I realize that I am totally not over us and the things that went down and my feelings for him. I'm having a hard time with him having a gf . So I'm just trying to do my own thing and stay busy with my hobbies and animals. It's supposed to rain for the first half of the week so riding will probably only be in the indoor which sucks. I probably won't go to the barn tonight and give Possum a day off so I'll do some sit ups and push ups in the house to work out a little.

Yesterday was Greg's birthday. I called him to say hi and he was busy with the funeral and stuff and he promised that he would call me later, I told him not to worry about it but he insisted. SO about 9:30P I called him to say hi. I don't think he even remembered he said he would call me back. It was a brief and tense conversation that ended with him saying that he is just doing his own thing for now. I thought he was doing his own thing the whole time, but maybe I'm wrong. Ughhh, this sucks. I called my cousnelor and made an appt to see her next week to help me get my head on straight. Feelings suck! I wish I could just think with my brain 100% of the time, but it doesn't work that way. Well that's it for today. I'm working in the office most of the week since it's April vacation for the school kids this week.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Still Truckin...

Just wanted to post a little update. Been keeping really busy lately with work and riding horses after work. Each day this week I've been able to get out to the barn. I rode Aragon yesterday and we did some ring work. We had to go through another reminder of leads and moving off the leg. He was resistant at first and then really started to come around. He just has so much talent. He really reaches and is soft to the bit. He's just wormy with his body and it takes a lot from a rider using all the aids to have him balanced and straight, but it's worth it. After a grueling session in the outdoor we went for a walk down the road. It was like he let out a big sigh and relaxed as we walked down the dirt road. He isn't really fond of working in the ring and I'm trying to convince him that's it's good for his health hahaha.

Rode Possum yesterday and today. I had about zero energy so we just coasted around the outdoor working on flying changes and then today we did some jumping. He did really well and his energy level was about the same as mine. He is really getting into great shape and our first show is not this weekend, but next so we better be ready. This is the year that we're only doing 2'9"-3', not even warming up in the 2'6" classes. We're growing up and need to be on the ball.

Now onto the guy stuff. I've really taken everyone's comments to heart and am trying to follow it to the best of my ability. Greg and I are still not talking. After I received the coments from Oregonsunshine I texted him that night apologizing for jumping the gun and that after talking to a friend I can realize where he is in his life a little better. I told him that if he wants to talk I'm always here and to take care. I have not heard from him. I have a feeling he's upset with me, but I'm human and just need to keep plugging away with my life. Yea it hurts and sucks that I don't have than friend to call and talk to about things about, but such is life. Because of the nice weather lately my roomie and I have been out on her motorcycle and that's really fun. It clears the mind and tonight we went cruising and sang at the top of our lungs. Who cares what people think, we were having a good time.

I just have to hold out hope that someone out there is for me and it's not up to me of when we meet. I'm working on healing from my past relationship and that's a challenge in itself, but until I do so I will never be able to have a functional relationship.

Hanging out the barn a lot has been good for me. I'm with my friends and the weather has been nice so I'm not in a hurry to run to my car for warmth. The dogs are also happy to be outside a lot. I've been going to bed earlier and waking up earlier so I'm not so much of a bear in the morning and feel rested and ready for the day.

I'm looking forward to the upcoming three day weekend. For those of you outside of New England it's Patriots Day and that means a day off from work, yippee. So I came home tonight and my roomie was getting ready for a date and I was vacuuming the house. I started thinking as I was cleaning away that this is how Cinderella started and look how good it turned out for her. A girl can dream can't she?!

Well that's about it. Everytime I want to text or call Greg I go back and read that comment and it helps to keep me grounded and focused. Have a great rest of the week everyone and keep the positive thoughts coming.

Monday, April 13, 2009

What a weekend!

Well in terms of horse stuff I barely rode this weekend. I rode Friday, but after riding my roomie and I went to the shooting range for a bit. Her horse has an abcess right now so she's bummed she can't ride her. I figured that Possum has been working a lot that it won't hurt him to take a weekend off. We decided to do non-horsey things this weekend. Here are a few pics of me at the shooting range, it really pays to havea cop as a good friend, she has all the good guns hahaha.

Then Saturday we went to the barn but I just watched everyone and then my friend and I decided to take out her crotch rocket since it was so nice out and the arena was packed that it would be useless to work on things. We had a good time, we cruised through town and then went out to lunch. It started to get pretty chilly so we went home to chill.

Now onto the stressful part of the weekend. I had been trying to be talkative to Greg and everything but every time I called he would blow me off, or I would text him with most times no response. It was driving me crazy. What was going on with him, what was he thinking, and how could we go from talking about 10 times a day to nothing. We don't laugh or talk or even hang out anymore. I was really taking is personally. This is something that you do not do to a friend, regardless to the gender. My last straw was on Saurday night I texted him asking to call me, he said yes and never called the rest of the night. While I was at my parents yesterday for Easter I got a voicemail from him saying that he was busy and crap. Last night I knew he was probably busy as he usually is and sent him about 4 texts telling him how I feel. How the fact that he's ignoring me and blowing me off hurts my feelings. I asked what was going on with him and why he was being this way. I didn't get a response so I went to bed. At 10:30 I get a text from him asking what the deal was andn if I was having a bad night and "holy efn texts" I told him that it wasn't a bad night, and that this was not the reaction that I thought he would have. he texted me back saying that he is not at my beck and call and I text and call him all the time and he doesn't have the time to talk or respond. I told him that was bullshit because he always did have time and now he didn't. I called him instead of keeping texting. He was obviously in a bad mood and started complaining that all us women are the same blah blah. That about pissed me off and I tried to explain to him that I was his friend and was only looking for his friendship back. I don't think he got it. He started to get angry and yelling saying that he was worked up and wanted to go to bed. (He had just got back form playing cards) I told him that I wanted to get this out on the table now because things have been crap for 2 weeks. I gave the example that even if he was one of my girl friends I would be acting like this, he said that that wasn't the same because I was closer to those friends and had known them longer, that really hurt because obviously we aren't on the same level. He said because I had feelings for him that things changed. I told him not to flatter himself and that I'm about as messed up as him and he should know that and cut me some slack. He didn't get it. I mentioned that sometimes he is also confusing especially saying to me one time that he was jealous. He exploded saying that I was still hung up on that and that he said it one time and it's not like that now, wow, another stab. He went on and on and finally I said fine and hung up the phone to let him go to bed. I immediately started to cry. I was sick of all this stress, of feeling like I was walking on egg shells, when he obviuosly didn't give a damn. Why was it that I was trying to convince someone to be friends with me, this was crazy!

I texted him back and said that I was done. I was washing my hands of all of this and that he was missing out on a true friend. He texted back saying that Because I wouldn't respect his wishes to go to bed that I was done. I said that it wasn't just that, it was everything and I'm done feeling like this. Then I texted him happy birthday since his B-day is next Monday and that yes I remembered, because friends do that kind of stuff.

This totally sucks. I hate it, but I can't be that emotional punching bag. I care too much about hi m and he is on another planet. Better to cut ties now than later. So today trying to keep my chin up and keep busy with work. Havn't heard from him and I don't expect to. And even if he did I need to not talk or text and try to heal from all this crap. He can figure out all his stuff on his own. Maybe somedayI'll meet that special person, but right now it's just me and the dogs and cat and horse, all I need right now.

Friday, April 10, 2009

More riding and more horses....

Yes everyone, those are my toes in the flip flops. It almost got to 60 degrees yesterday and I thought that it was time to break out the summer foot wear. Before you start picking my feet apart, let tell you that yes, my second toe is longer than my big toe on both feet. I have heard many sayings about this fact, like it means your Native American. Well I am partly, my great grandmother was a Native American. I've heard that it also means your good in bed. SO I think I'll just stick with the positive ones. Yes my feet look deformed because of this, but it still doesn't stop me from wearing my summer shoes hahaha.

Yesterday I raced to the barn after work. I watched the barn owner work the unruly stallion and then decided to go and get Possum. He was actually more than happy to come out and play with me. I spent over half an hour grooming him and shedding him out. Because it was nice and sunny yesterday a lot of the mud was drying up, but it was still a mess out in the paddocks. I especially cleaned all of his feet really well. I can't stand scratches and am always checking and cleaning his feet for them. After I got him tacked up I still didn't really have a plan for our riding that day so I walked over to the picnic table, hopped on, and decided to atleast do our warm-up down the trail. Now Possum isn't barn sour, but his motivation is sometimes lacking as he moves away from the barn. The further away we go the better he is, but it still takes a good leg to make him have a forward trot. He was actually pretty soft to my hand and was rounding nicely and pushing through the bridle. I felt like I had total control over him. We then cantered some to continue the warm-up. As we were cantering a bird suddenly came bursting out of the woods and Possum actually spooked. It is rare that he spooks at much, but he did a little scoot with his butt and went sideways. I have to admit that it startled me too, but he didn't miss a beat and continued to trot as he straightened out. The dirt road we usually take is very long and flat at one place, almost a mile of flat. I thought I'd do some some exercieses and get him supple and really listening to the aids. We picked up a collected canter and half passed the width of the road in about 4 strides. One on the edge I asked for a flying change and then we half passed over to the other side and repeated a couple more times. I couldn't believe it. We must have been channeling some dressage God or something because he was nearly perfect and moving off the leg and staying round and collected, and he was like butter in my hands. I could feel his hind end supporting himself, it was a good feeling. After we turned around at the end of the dirt road I decided to work on some endurance stuff. We trotted for 4 minutes and then walked for 2, then we cantered for 4 min and then walked for 2, then one more canter set. I let him walk out a little on a long rein because our gallop spot was coming up and I wanted him to catch his breath. Sure enough, soon as he saw the turn and the hill, he burst into a gallop. We rounded the turn like a BMX bike and powered up the hill. His neck was tense as he stretched out and his ears were pressed back against his head. I urged him on by throwing my crosses (a racing term) and hissed at him asking for all he had. He threw it into another gear and as we crested the hill he was still pouring it on. I stood in my stirrups and talked to him asking him to slow and telling him he was a good boy. He eased up and then started trotting. I let him trot out a bit and then we walked the rest of the way home. I gave him lots of pats and put my face against his neck as he walked along with purpose. He is such a good horse and will do anything that I ask of him. After untacking back at the barn I gave him an extra scoop of grain since we've been riding a lot lately and put his blanket back on since it was turning dark and getting quite chilly. I after I turned him out I just stood there for a ehile watching him. He stood and just watched me. He had a sparkle in his eye and his head was help high (it was also almost feeding time) We just stood there looking at each other for a few minutes and then turned and went our seperate way.

I;ve been reading a new book, Chosen By a Horse, by Susan Richards. It's pretty good. Kinda slow moving, but emotional and has to not only with horses, but also relationships that she has had in the past and her seemingly inability to love a man again. This I can relate to. But one of the things that bothers me is the fact that she is such a passive horse person. She has a very dominant morgan mare who literally rules the farm. This woman feels guilty patting or doting on any of her other horses when this mare is around. I hate to say it, but this mare has the woman trained, hook, line and sinker. She wants so much to have a relationship with all of her horses and especially the rescued STB mare, but she is very passive and almost mysical in her thinking. Like the way I used to think of horses when I was like 6. I was thinking yesterday of all the ways Possum would take advantage of me if I just gave complete control over to him. He would be a monster, unmanageable and most likely dangerous. I love horses, but I also have expectations for the horses that I not only ride but work with. Safety is number one and then close behind is respect. If a horse doesn't respect you it could be a disaster. Hence why this 4yo stallion that had nothing done with him is such an asshole that is in fr training at the farm. Having and working with horses is a partnership. Possum and I do so well together because he understands that I am boss, but that I would never ask him to do anything that I didn't think he could do, or what would put him in danger. In turn, he trusts me and I take of him. Sure he can add his opinion and two cents worth and I will listen. It's not a dictatorship. Horses are similiar to children in the way that you give an inch they take a mile. No sensible adult would ever let a child make all the decisions in a household, why? because they are not mature or mentally capable of doing this. They need the structure, guidance and even discipline from their parents or a tusted adult figure. The same is true with horses. I guess I'm just ranting, but I can't stand to see people, and especially women let a horse who they love and care for very much walk all over them. Horses are not on the same level intellectually as us. I do believe that they are tremendously emotional creatures that may be equal to us, but on the mental scale they are not, so stop treating them like they are. Horses will love and care and respect you more when you show them the way, show them that you know what is best for them, establish trust and a working partnership. Anyways, that's it for today. my brain hurts.

As for the guy thing, eckkk, not too much to say. Saw Greg at our house yesterday as he was getting the hearse, he was with his co-worker and we all chatted for a few, nothing big. My focus needs to be on riding and getting in shape right now. It's Friday and it's another beautiful day. I have plans to hit the barn again tonight and just being with my Possum makes me happy.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Finally Sunny!

Yesterday after work I picked up the dogs and we raced over to the barn. I had decided to ride Aragon down the road again. It was cloudy and very cold, barely touching 40 degrees and really windy. A perfect day to test a TB stud down the road on. I got him out and groomed him. His coat is really getting a shine to it. Because Aragon hardly grows a coat he is pretty much all shed out. The muscles on his rear were gleaming. He was perfectly still while I tacked him up. I walked him over to the picnic table again, foregoing the lunging and hopped on. He immediately started to do a little prance and we started walking down the driveway which is lined on both sides with paddocks full of horses. He gave a whinny to let all the horses know he has arrived and he did these little tiny half rears forward that reminded me of riding the carousel at the theme parks. He wasn't trying to get me off or anything, he just felt good and proud walking past his barn mates.

Once we hit the side road we started trotting to get his brain and body in gear. Once warmed up I worked on cantering straight and relaxed with him, which is always a challenge. Then we walked out nice and slow. When we were cantering again I felt him ask me to gallop. I got up in two point and eased him into a gallop. He burst forward and his front legs churned up the dirt road. It kinda suprised me that he wasn't that fast, I quickly came to the conclusion that he was not a sprinter and later that was confirmed when I talked to the barn owner, he actually was a distance runner in the day.

Because we galloped I had him walk for over 10 minutes to let him get the idea that after we gallop we rest and don't act crazy and anticipate it. He did really well. The last button I pushed on him was addressing his barn sourness which I could feel was starting to develop. Because he is so smart, you need to beat him at his own game, but not get into a fight about it. When we got to the driveway he started to drift andn then wouldn't move. He pulled his backing session and I just sat back on my seat bones and he stopped. I asked for him to go forward and heh started to back again. This went on for about 30 seconds and then finally he decieded that it would be easier to do what I was asking and he trotted past the driveway and up the hill. At the top of the hill I gave him a pat and turned him around.

While at the barn, Greg texted me and said that he saw "G" at a funeral and decided to tell me. Well the texting went on for a bit and then he called me. Apparently there is a rumor going on about me in town which is just absurd. It really upset me, but I was glad that Greg clued me in on it. It was actually a productive conversation. He asked me about the "barrage" of texts from the night before. I explained to him that things have changed between us and I'm just looking for an explanation and how the silent treatment really upsets me. He let me know that he feels pressured by me lately (which I gussed anyways) and needed some space. I told him I was giving him space. He was still working the fineral, but it was good to get that off my chest. SO stay tuned, who knows what will happen. I also told him about the good advice you guys are giving me on here about men and divorce and the year rule. He seemed to listen to it.

So it's sunny today and I'm stuck working. I hope to get out a decent hour and ride Possum in the arena. The sun just does so much for my mood that I'm anxious to be out in it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A sure sign of spring.....

I got off work slightly early yesterday and raced over to the barn. It was cold and very windy and overcast. As soon as I got there everyone came over and told me the good news. We had a foal born that morning, a colt to be exact! It was a boarders arabian mare. She had the mare stabled with us because the owner has tons of experience in foaling since she has a little breeding program of her own, and the fact that people are around 24/7. The suprise though was that supposedly this mare wasn't supposed to foal out until June. Well the baby is here and healthy and happy and completely normal looking. He is a cute chestnut with a big white blaze. So spring has to be here, despite the chilly temps and whipping wind, it's here.

I waited for my roomate to arrive at the barn before I got Possum ready so we could ride together. Possum was a total cranky pants. Yes, it was almost dinner time and yes it was windy and cold, but he was making these ugly faces with his ears pinned. I had to remind him that it was OK to mae faces, but anything further would warrant a punishment. He walked the line with that one. He was actually a little lazy during our warm-up. I didn't spend as long on our flat because I didn't want to tire him out and with his mood make him even more cranky. He did great warmping up over the jumps and trotting small lines. My focus today to jump a line of jumps at 3ft that is at 4 and a half strides. I wanted him to jump it in 4 and then in 5. One thing about Possum is that you can always lengthen his stride, but collecting him up and asking him to shorten is sometimes a struggle, especially at home where he knows the jumps and lines. I made sure to take off right from the base of the first jump in the line so as to not eat up too much ground. I gave a sharp half halt upon landing and to avoid my aids he flung his head straight up in the air, hollowed out his back and charged down the line. It took all my stregth to stop him before he took the jump. There was no way in hell that he was getting rewarded for that behavior. I back him up, made him stand and then we started over again. And again he threw a fit and tries to avoid my aids. I then threatened him saying that I would put a standing martingale on him if he threw his head up again. So then the game plan changed. He was to intent on galloping down the rest of the line that I would throw a wrench in his plan. As soon as we jumped over the first jump in the line I immediately asked him for a halt. This suprised him and it took brute strength to reel him in. Needless to say my core muscles got quite a work out last night. After a few times of halting in the middle I decided that we would go back and try for the 5 collected strides. He did much better and his aditude was as well. The big test would be to then ask him for 4 again and then back to 5. When I asked him for the 4 he was suprised and kinda stalled out until he got the idea and lengthened his body ad then gathered himself for a nice finishing jump. I then immediately asked him to collec in the corner and we cantered a 10m circle. I want him to know that even if we ask for more forward striding, next could come a line where we need to collect and sit up. Then I asked for the 5 again. H was OK, but not great so I had him canter around again and we got a nice quite 5. Wow, that was a work out. He was steaming and so was I. I walked him to coool him out while I watched my roomie and another boarder ride some smaller lines.

Tonight will hopefully be a little easier. I'm going to take Aragon down the road again and keep up with his muscle building and endurance. I think I might even have some people to ride with me which will be good too.

So onto the guy side of this blog. I got a text from Greg yesterday. He was just asking a simple question about our house, since he does techincally co-own the building. He was kinda joking and stuff. So after my ride on Possum I was feeling pretty good and decided to call him and tell him about the foal if he wanted to bring his son to see him sometime. We talked for a few minutes but he seemed distracted and distant. Didn't really focus on anything that was being said. It kinda made me feel like crap. I asked him if anything was wrong and he said no (ofcourse). SO on the way home I ran it by my roomie first but decided to send him a few texts to see if we could clear the air. I talked about the fact that we don't talk nearly as much as we used to, and definately not as in depth. I asked if it was because he was interested in a girl, and if that was the case that's cool. Then I asked if he could bring me back some of my pain killers if he didn't need them anymore, because my back was really bothering me some nights and I could use them. I then ended the texts by saying that I wasn't trying to bug him, but just trying to communicate and get on the same page.

I have not heard a word or a peep from him at all last night and so far this morning. I am so totally confused it's not even funny. It's not the fact that he may not like me or anything, but I really feel like a close friend of mine is just drifting away silently like I won't notice. I'm afraid that it just may be time for me to cut ties because it's really hurting me and I think about it a lot. I guess I don't know what's going on in his head and it bugs me. He could have just sent an "OK" or "can we talk about it later" or something, but nothing, NOTHING! I can't help but feel that this is just another guy that I opened myself up to who walks all over me. Do I think Greg is trying to be mean or nasty to me, no. But he's kinda being rude with disregard for my feelings. So I guess as I write this I am making up my mind to again close up my feelings to him. I care about him very much and he is a great guy from the little I have gotten to know him. But I really feel like he is confused and maybe going through some mid-life crisis or something. Like I said before, I'm not looking to jump into a relationship with anyone, ya know the ones with labels and rules and such. I'm looking to make a connection with someone and build on that, and it looks like Greg has closed up shop. I guess it's just time to find another place to go.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Monday morning let downs

Actually despite the title of this post, it's not that bad of a morning. I spent the entire day at the barn yesterday and it was great. The sun was actually shining and it lifted my spirits some. I was feeling a little lazy when I got there and just hung out watching a lesson going on and talking to the barn owner and another boarder. My roomie showed up for a few minutes, she was working but had managed to sneak away to the barn to visit for half an hour. After she left I decided it was time to get my butt in gear and I went and got Aragon out and groomed him up. As I was brushing him I noticed a little more muscle on his light frame and his butt was a little more defined. I tacked him up and he stood still as a statue even when the mare he was crosstied to was in full blown heat and had her ass presssed up against her stall. Women, always making the first move hehehe.

So I decided to forego any lunging or ring work and lead him over to the picnic table and hopped on. I want him to get used to just getting on and going without it being a big deals since my hopes is to have him be my trail horse for the summer. He pranced some and half passed down the entire driveway. He had a minor melt down not wanting to go any further. It's really quite comical. He backs up and thinks that he can get away with it. HE will eventually get tired of backing and not getting his way and then decided that it's best to go where I think we should go. You can't get into a fight with him or that will just add fuel to the argument, you have to be careful with stallions when it comes to arguments and being a little pushy, they can take that as a challenge and will never let go of it. After our little Michael Jackson moon walking session it was pretty much smooth sailing. I let him trot right out. After 8 years on the track he relaxes more when he is moving and able to kinds get his brain in gear. I compromised with him, he could trot as long as it was straight and he didn't lean on my inside leg. He decided that this was a good deal and away we went. Aragon is really amazing on the trail. Nothing fazes him. I took him further than we had gone before, about 7 miles. We rode on dirt roads and even busy paved roads. There were kids and dogs, and flags attached to mail boxes and swollen running streams everywhere. He walked along like a pro. we worked a lot on cantering straight and relaxing, he did the best he has done so far. Half way through the ride we were both relaxed and I was holding the reins on the buckle just feeling the swing of his belly.

When we got back to the barn he was sufficiently tired but still had a sparke in his eye. I gave him a good curry taking more winter hair off and a handful of treats. I just love this horse. Even though he is a nut job of a TB stallion, he can be so good and is just sometimes misunderstood.

I stayed at the abrn a little longer and then went home to clean the apartment. I had been really good all day and not talked or texted Greg. He really needs to contact me if he wants to communicate. When my roomie came home we ate a delicious meal of mac n cheese (the dinner of single gals world wide) and then on a whim decided to go to the barn and ride our ponies around the indoor bareback, Possum hadn't been worked that day so I thought it would be a good idea. It was just about dark when we got there and the horses were sedttling in for the night after already eating their dinner hay. Possum was great. I swear he is better bareback than with a sadddle. I wish I got some on video. We jumped some small lines and even did a series of three bounces. Then I put on diagonal up to 3'6". Possum flew over it easily and I actually did a really good job. My legs were strong and tight and held me in my two point over the jump while I practiced an automatic release. It was amazing just flying together with nothing between us. I'm a complete sap, I know. After about half an hour we put their blankies back on and turned them back out. My legs were sore and tires, meaning that I had worked them well and correctly.

SO It's Monday and I still havn't heards from Greg, but that's OK. I can do this. I have summer and shows and friends to look forward to and many horse adventures I'm sure of. The weather is supposed to be shitty for the next few days so it looks like minimal riding for me and sit-ups and running instead of riding for me. I'm bound and determined to shed some of this weight I have accumulated since my accident.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

It's me again!

Just checking in again. Had a really hard time guy wise today. But before I get to the shitty stuff, I need to let you know that I spent the entire day at the barn. It was a crazy busy time in the indoor, but regardless I was able to ride Possum, and then went down the road and even braved a trail through the woods, It was raining when I was riding outside, but it basically fit my mood for the day. My advice to anyone riding trails in Maine is to WAIT!! The woods are flooded and the ice is giving way to mud and flowing rivers which equals horses that fall down. I'm just really glad that Possum is such a good trail guy and we braved through it. It was so bad at times that I grabbed the back of the saddle and gave him his head in case he went down and I didn't want to catch him in the mouth. Not going to try that again for a few weeks. had a godo time visiting with all my barn friends but my mood was dismal to say the least.

Yet again, I look like the needy lack of self esteem girl and texted Greg a few times last night with no response. Really I could just kick myself in the face sometimes. I did however enjoy the Vagina Monologues last night. So today started out a nervous wreck. I again had that ball of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn't resist and texted Greg asking if he would still tell me if he was fucking around with anyone, he texted back "Yup". I then gathered some of "G's" clothes that he had left at my apartment and on my way to get my car fixed I dropped them in his mailbox and texted him letting him know that it was there since it was raining and they would get all wet. He acted all sweet and great. He asked about the dogs and I gave a one word "Fine". I asked if he heard about all the rumors in town going on about me and he said no so I filled him in. He acted all nicey nice and said that I deserve better than that. I wanted to puke but instead said that talking to him was too hard and I had to go. He said bye and that he was sorry, again my fingers started itching and I asked if he was still seeing that girl, he said back simply "yes". SO that was the real start to my bad mood. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I really don't know what I wanted to do.

So when I went to get my car fixed my dad knew something was up and I filled him in leaving out the gruesome details. He was actually really supportive and great about it. When I told him how I was treating Greg and that fact that we basically don't talk now he said that yes I can be pushy and bossy sometimes, especially when I'm going through a hard time, and that maybe I should apologize to him. I thought about this and decided to taxt him and let him know that I;m really messed up right now and confused and just plain weird. Greg actually texted me back and was decent. He said that we really shouldn't be physical now; that I need to get me head straight. All things which are true, but it sucks to hear it from him. He said that things will get better. Damnit!!! I don't want him to be my therapist, I want him to be a good friend and want him to want me. He also said that he's not mad at me, just reserved. What the hell does that mean??? He also informed me after I asked him that he went to see a band last night with some friends. And ofcourse my over analytical brain automatically thinks of girls. So that's the only type of contact that we have had all day. After I got home from the barn, my roomie and I went to the movies. After the movies we had a great talk about guys in general and how we seem to be going down the same paths. She is also in a similiar situation. We made a pact to cool it with the boys. If their interested, they need to come to us. We're just too damn nice. They have our numbers, they know us, so they can make a move. In the meantime we are going to focus on our riding and our own lives. We are going to be each others support. If we feel like texting the guy or calling we have to run it by the other first. I swear this time I want to stay strong.

But as I write this I can't help but open my phone wondering if it accidently shut off and I missed a call or text from Greg. I know I know pathetic! I am seriously wrecked after my relationshop with "G". I have come to the conclusion that he was not my BF, he was more like my child. And that need to nurture, protect and help has carried over into my non-relationship with Greg which can be seen as needy and annoying not to mention needy. SO I wa sjust having a hard time today and decided to get these thoughts and things out of my head and into this great form of therapy that I have created. I slept like crap last night ofcourse thinking a million miles an hour and am hoping that writing this and the glass of wine I had will calm my racing thoughts.

Again, thanks all for the great comments, I always look forward to reading them and for your input. I'm really trying, but sometimes it's so damn hard. Is there anyone out there that will put up with all my crap and still love me for who I am? Hopefully.

My plan for tomorrow is to again hang at the barn. It is my safe oasis away from civilization and there is always enough activity to calm my swimming thoughts. Have a great and safe evening everyone, going to feed my nicotine habit and hitting the hay. My dogs will keep me company and warm, and did I mention that when I wake up in the morning I am swisted into a pretzel while they are all spread out and comfortable. If only other dogs had it so good........

Friday, April 3, 2009

Happy Friday

Hello again everyone. It's Friday and that means it's the end of the work week and the start of a fun horse filled weekend. I had a great day yesterday. I had a shortened work day and was at the barn with my roomie by 1P. Because I'm getting back into exercising and burning calories as much as I can I had decided to ride both Possum and Aragon. Due to the many horses in the ring and the lesson that was going on, I decided to ride Possum first. The ring was being dragged so there was only 1 jump set up, which was fine. It gave me a chance to work a lot on our flat work and my equitation. Everyone kept making fun of me because I had a permanent smile plastered on my face. Just to get them going even more I took the reins on one hand and did my best Miss America wave around the arena with a huge smile across my face. I think I've been watching the show Little Miss Perfect on TV too much.

Possum did really well, especially since I decided to ride in the Pelham instead of the elevator. let me tell you why I have these bits. Usually I like to ride Possum in a happy mouth three ring elevator with it on the second ring. Due to the nerve damage in his mouth he works best off of poll pressure. The elevator gives me the leverage I need and to also pick him up off his face, as he tends to do being built slightly down-hill. Possum is very comfortable in the elevator and my arms don't have to work as hard. Unfortunately, elevator bits are not allowed in hunters or equitation, although they can be used in jumpers. I can understand why they are not allowed, because if left in uneducated hands they could do some damage, or anyone that rides and uses the horses mouth for balance is going to royally piss off a normal horse. So for shows I ride in a happy mouth pelham. I like the pelham, he rounds nicely to it, although when he gets lazy or stubborn he can lean heavily against it. If it's one thing I can't stand, it's a horse who leans on your hands and basically wants you to carry them around. Believe it or not, Possum goes beautifully in a hackamore, just a simple hack, no gimmicks, but that too is not allowed in hunters or eq. However, the barn owner just bouth a new Myler pelham and I'm tempted to try that as it conforms more to the horses mouth and Possum has ridden in a Dee ring Myler before to some success. SO there is your education on Possum's different bits hahaha.

So Possum did really well with only minimal leaning on my hands. SO I untacked him and let him loose to eat hay by the barn. Next it was Aragon. He was a filthy mess and it took me over half an hour to clean him up to look half way presentable. If you've never been to Maine during mud season, consider yourself lucky. This is the time of year that the horsese are perpetually dirty and caked with mud! We went in the ring and unfortunately two mares were lunging and another mare working on the outside rail. 2 of the mares were in heat which was just wonderful. Aragon was OK, but once one of the mares got a little too close behind him and he reared and spun and had a brain melt down. I yelled at him and slapped his neck with my hand and I think he knew I meant business and calmed down after that. There is no need for a hrose to act up, especially a stallion. Respect is a must on the ground and under saddle at all times. AFter riding in the arena I took him down the trail and I felt his whole body relax. We did some trotting and cantering and he was great, I told him that he redeemed himself. After getting back to the barn my back was dying. I put Aragon away and just hung out with the barn crew. We watched the barn owner work with a QH stallion that just came in for training. I have never seen a stallion with so little manners or respect for a person. He was running into her, never made eye contact and was just a complete brute. He is 4ys old, has already bred mares and has zero training. This was his first time off his property. Let's just say that he was in for a rude awakening. Stallion bootcamp is what I told the owner who came to watch the training session. This stud is also not some small guy, he's 16.2H and brimming with testosterone. I told the owner to remember what she saw and then check in on his progress in a month. He is in for basic training and saddle training.

So while I was at the barn and on the ride home I was in a great mood. We had the radio cranked and just chillin out. It wasn't until I talked to Greg that it started to go down. He ofcourse was in a bad mood again. I was trying to cheer him up and get him talking, all to no avail. I asked if he wanted to watch a movie and he said no, again. I'm trying so hard to be happy in my life and look at things positively. I had a great day at the barn, I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt and everything was great. I hate the fact that he can bring me down so hard. So I texted him last night and this is what it said:

"I hate the fact that you are so down and depresed all the time. I have tried to cheer you up, but it just ends up bringing me down. I try and get you to do things with me and nothing. Call me when your happy and feeling better. I won't be upset if it's not for a while. I just want to be happy. I hope you can understand that"

Ofcourse I havn't heard back from him, and I suspect that I may not for quite a while. But that's OK. I need to do my own thing. I really can be happy and have a good time if I don't have all this stress going on, and right now Greg stresses me out. So I'm being a big girl and basically putting the ball in his court. I'm done pursuing or trying to make him feel better, because all it does is bring me down.

Well today is a very busy day. I'm at the HS now, then the MS, then the elem school and another HS. Then back to the office to get ready because I'm running a booth at the Vagina Monologues tonight until 9P so it's a crazy day. No riding for me today, but it's kinda rainy out and I'm sure the ponies will be happy for a day off.. Have a great Friday everyone, and as always comments are always welcomed.