Saturday, April 4, 2009

It's me again!

Just checking in again. Had a really hard time guy wise today. But before I get to the shitty stuff, I need to let you know that I spent the entire day at the barn. It was a crazy busy time in the indoor, but regardless I was able to ride Possum, and then went down the road and even braved a trail through the woods, It was raining when I was riding outside, but it basically fit my mood for the day. My advice to anyone riding trails in Maine is to WAIT!! The woods are flooded and the ice is giving way to mud and flowing rivers which equals horses that fall down. I'm just really glad that Possum is such a good trail guy and we braved through it. It was so bad at times that I grabbed the back of the saddle and gave him his head in case he went down and I didn't want to catch him in the mouth. Not going to try that again for a few weeks. had a godo time visiting with all my barn friends but my mood was dismal to say the least.

Yet again, I look like the needy lack of self esteem girl and texted Greg a few times last night with no response. Really I could just kick myself in the face sometimes. I did however enjoy the Vagina Monologues last night. So today started out a nervous wreck. I again had that ball of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn't resist and texted Greg asking if he would still tell me if he was fucking around with anyone, he texted back "Yup". I then gathered some of "G's" clothes that he had left at my apartment and on my way to get my car fixed I dropped them in his mailbox and texted him letting him know that it was there since it was raining and they would get all wet. He acted all sweet and great. He asked about the dogs and I gave a one word "Fine". I asked if he heard about all the rumors in town going on about me and he said no so I filled him in. He acted all nicey nice and said that I deserve better than that. I wanted to puke but instead said that talking to him was too hard and I had to go. He said bye and that he was sorry, again my fingers started itching and I asked if he was still seeing that girl, he said back simply "yes". SO that was the real start to my bad mood. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I really don't know what I wanted to do.

So when I went to get my car fixed my dad knew something was up and I filled him in leaving out the gruesome details. He was actually really supportive and great about it. When I told him how I was treating Greg and that fact that we basically don't talk now he said that yes I can be pushy and bossy sometimes, especially when I'm going through a hard time, and that maybe I should apologize to him. I thought about this and decided to taxt him and let him know that I;m really messed up right now and confused and just plain weird. Greg actually texted me back and was decent. He said that we really shouldn't be physical now; that I need to get me head straight. All things which are true, but it sucks to hear it from him. He said that things will get better. Damnit!!! I don't want him to be my therapist, I want him to be a good friend and want him to want me. He also said that he's not mad at me, just reserved. What the hell does that mean??? He also informed me after I asked him that he went to see a band last night with some friends. And ofcourse my over analytical brain automatically thinks of girls. So that's the only type of contact that we have had all day. After I got home from the barn, my roomie and I went to the movies. After the movies we had a great talk about guys in general and how we seem to be going down the same paths. She is also in a similiar situation. We made a pact to cool it with the boys. If their interested, they need to come to us. We're just too damn nice. They have our numbers, they know us, so they can make a move. In the meantime we are going to focus on our riding and our own lives. We are going to be each others support. If we feel like texting the guy or calling we have to run it by the other first. I swear this time I want to stay strong.

But as I write this I can't help but open my phone wondering if it accidently shut off and I missed a call or text from Greg. I know I know pathetic! I am seriously wrecked after my relationshop with "G". I have come to the conclusion that he was not my BF, he was more like my child. And that need to nurture, protect and help has carried over into my non-relationship with Greg which can be seen as needy and annoying not to mention needy. SO I wa sjust having a hard time today and decided to get these thoughts and things out of my head and into this great form of therapy that I have created. I slept like crap last night ofcourse thinking a million miles an hour and am hoping that writing this and the glass of wine I had will calm my racing thoughts.

Again, thanks all for the great comments, I always look forward to reading them and for your input. I'm really trying, but sometimes it's so damn hard. Is there anyone out there that will put up with all my crap and still love me for who I am? Hopefully.

My plan for tomorrow is to again hang at the barn. It is my safe oasis away from civilization and there is always enough activity to calm my swimming thoughts. Have a great and safe evening everyone, going to feed my nicotine habit and hitting the hay. My dogs will keep me company and warm, and did I mention that when I wake up in the morning I am swisted into a pretzel while they are all spread out and comfortable. If only other dogs had it so good........

1 comment:

Leah Fry said...

The best cure for the big "C" — that's codependency, not cancer — is to throw yourself into activity and friends. I've been in that place and there is a much better one at the other side, but you have to make the commitment to get there. When there, and when you come across the right relationship, there won't be the feeling of pushing and pulling. It's won't be hard. You won't have to plead or worry or obsess.

You can do this. You have all the tools you need. I was over 40 by the time I figured it out. Be smarter than me, and don't wait as long as I did.

BTW, when I body clipped Poco, there was one photo I took that reminded me of Possum.