Friday, July 31, 2009

It's Friday!

This week has flown by it seems. I've been pretty busy with work and then doing things after work. Wednesday afternoon I went to the barn and there was hardly anyone there, very rare for our barn. I believe it had to do with the 90 degree heat we were having. I got Possum out, he looked about as hot as I felt. I took a while grooming him and gave him some treats and then put a bridle on and decided to ride to the pond. I had my bathing suit on under my shorts and tank top. I also tied a lead rope around his neck for something to hold onto while he swam. If you have never experienced a horse swimming, it is a completely different feeling. Lots of power, almost like a dolphin surging in and out of the water, especially at first until they hit their swimming stride. One of the biggest things you have to be careful of is that you do not use the reins for balance and pull them in the mouth. When a horse is swimming the only part of it's body that is above water is their head. If you pull back on the reins you can cause them to flip over or to the side and then you have a horse thrashing to get their bearings meanwhile there is a high risk of getting kicked from the thrashing legs.

So I decided to get in my exercise and take the long way both to the pond and back. Making it about an 8 mile round trip bareback. The worst part about it was that the deer flies were horrible. Swarming and bitting. I was wacking them off both myself and Possum. We trotted and cantered as much as we could to get away from them. Once at the pond it was really relaxing and we just hung out in the water for a bit to cool off. Then I urged him out further and away we went, he went out a little and then turned back for shore. We did this a couple of time and then decided to turn back. It was good just to chill with my horse. Riding bareback is fun and really nakes you feel like one with the horse. We were cantering down the side of the road on one of the long stretches and just fo rkicks I did what the boy did in the Black Stallion, I put both arms out and just let my hips follow the motion of the canter as Possum kept a steady pace. It was refreshing and exhilirating. When we got back to the barn my legs were super sore along with my seat bones. Bareback is a great way to develop muscle, but it makes you tired pretty fast. I put Possum back out in time for his dinner and headed home.

Last night I had softball practice which was fun. It was soooo muggy that I was sweating like crazy. It was good to run around and hit and throw. I was happy to learn that I will be playing third base at the game on Aug. 15th. I played 3rd all through highschool and it's just wher I feel really comfortable. I can snag just about any ball that comes my way. After that I went home and took a cold shower and just chilled with the dogs. I've just been trying to do my own thing lately. It's hard just focusing on myself. I always would rather take care of someone else or worry about someone else, it's just ewasier for me I guess. Nick and I have been casually chatting through text msg, but just in a friendly way. He called Thursday night and we talked for about 30 min just shooting the shit. It's nice that we're friends and all, but my heart still kinda aches. I don't think I realized at the time how much I was liking him. But I have to believe that there are better things out there for me, and that it will come on it's own time, and not when I say it should. Nick is also going to North Carolina for the weekend so hopefully since he is outta state he will also be outta my mind. I have a busy weekend planned. I was going to go riding today and I still might but we're supposed to have nasty storms and rain this afternoon and into tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to a friends pool party and then Sunday a large group from the barn are going to a local riding club to do some open classes and few of us are going to cheer them on, so it should be a fun time. Other than today the weekend looks great.

On a little side note, which should make you all chuckle. I saw Greg yesterday at my house. He was mowing the lawn since it is the funeral home and was just finishing when I got home. Just from the brief conversation that we had he was having trouble with the new girl in his life. He said that he was having trust issues. This does not suprise me since I do know a little about this chic and she is kinda a wild one. She is my age, has a child that she doesn't have custody of and lives out of state. I have seen pics of her in compromising positions if you know what I mean. Plus, Nick used to date her and now he hates her. For Nick to hate someone it has to be pretty bad since he is so easy going. I have to admit that I felt a little bad for him, but after what went down between the two of us, I can't feel too bad. I even cracked a joke that wasn't he sorry for not taking the chance with me when he could. He gave a smart ass remark and I pretended to be offended and then he left. We'll see how that sage plays out. I guess all I can say is that I'm glad I'm not in the drama, well atleast the drama that I don't create in my own head. Well that's about it for today. Even if I don't ride I will still see my Possum and clean him up. When it's hot like this he loves to roll in the dirt and get all gross.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

So thanks to wolfandterriers for nominating me for this award. From what I understand I have to tell you ten things about myself that you may not know. This is gonna be hard because I talk about everything on my blog, the good, the bad and the ugly. We'll start with the ugly.

1) I am very insecure in the fact that I feel that I don't belong in a certain "group". I'm not a party girl, I'm not the total nerd, I'm not a preppy, I'm not a full tom boy. However I want so bad to be part of the "cool group". This sounds ridiculous I know. I know it stems from my middle school days when I went from cool to zero seemingly over night and was constantly trying to regain my status even into my high school years. I feel like I'm not pretty enough, or wear the right clothes, or act the right way. I don't have enough friends on Facebook, or enough contacts in my phone. I also joke about how few people call or text me, but really I'm taking note of it all. I seriously am stuck forever in the middle school mentality on this subject. To this day I am scanning people all the time, checking out how they look, act, what they wear and how I can fit in. I think it's also a primal need to fit into a group for survival's sake that has just stuck with me. Wow, this was embarrassing to admit, but hey, I'm sure there's a lot more people out there like me.

2) I am as opposite as hot and cold when it comes to maturity. I am all business at work and when I have to be serious. I can draw upon my vast education to get me through and command respect from a person or group. I know how to talk the talk and walk the walk when it comes to being a professional and relating to people on an information basis. On my down time, I am forever a 12yo. I can be loud, obnoxious, funny, crazy and completely sarcastic. I have been known to tell jokes or make statements that make people cringe and want to walk away from me. I love to have fun in the very sense of the word. I love sports, being in the water, goofing around and just plain having fun. I always joke that as a kid my favorite toy was a box that a new refrigerator came in. It provided many hours of fort fun, and to this day I'm sure if I found a big cardboard box you might see my feet sticking out of it.

3) I am ferociously competitive with all sports and games except with riding horses. For some reason my competitive nature gets checked at the door whenever I sit in the saddle. I havn't quite figured it out, but it's kinda baffling in a good way. I can be a total rotten sport, especially when it comes to card games and board games and that's why I try and avoid them at all costs. Riding horses has just always seemed like my own battle to get better.

4) I have no natural talent for riding. You heard me right. Riding has come with a lot of blood sweat and tears for me. I am a natural athlete. I'm strong, quick and have pretty good control over my body. However riding horses is a whole different ball of wax for me. It took me forever to learn to post as a kid. It took me forever to learn my canter leads and sit in the middle. It took me forever to feel through my body the horses movements and being able to read them before they did something. I can say with confidence now that I feel that I am a great intuitive rider. No, I don't have the long legs or lean torso. I'm on the short side and my muscles mar a pretty image, especially in my arms. But I can stay on. We always joke at the barn that I'm an effectivce rider, but not a pretty one. Some of this is my horse I know. He is not an easy ride and getting others to even hop on him is like pulling teeth, especially if he doesn't like them. I'm constantly working on my riding and trying to get better. This is the biggest reason that I show. It makes me get better and work harder.

5) I came from a very normal family. Beaver Cleaver like family. My parents have never been divorced or seperated. They have a girl and a boy. They have lived in the same house that they built over 30 yrs ago when they got married. They both work good jobs and are the complete epitomy of middle class. What I want to know is why I ended up with so many problems?? I generally use my parents and family as a baseline. I wonder why I couldn't have fallen in love and gotten married earlier, and built a house and done all that "normal" stuff.

6) I secretly want to write a book someday. I feel like I have so much to say and who cares if anyone wants to listen to it. I like writing, it's cathartic and relaxing for me. My book just might be my breakthrough that I need hehehe.

7) I never had any dogs while growing up. My mom did not like dogs and we were allowed one cat at a time. Always a female bitchy cat who didn't like anyone but my mom. I yearned for a dog. The best I could come up with was a hamster, a guinea pig and even a rat. My neighbors dog would come over once in a while through the woods and I didn't want him to leave. I would feed him and make sure he was by my side and then eventually when I wasn't looking he would go back home. Phin, the dog I have now is the first dog I have ever had in my life. Now I have 3 dogs, a cat and a horse. My cat is also very much like a dog and he is a male. I will never get a female cat, ever.

8) I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Seriously, this is not a joke. It's one of the biggest reasons that I havn't gone for my masters yet. I envy the people who know exactly what they want to do when they grow up. My roomate as a child knew that she wanted to be a cop, that's awesome. I feel like I'm testing the waters. I swing back and forth from the professional world and the world of animals. If I was rich I would run a shelter or rescue type ranch and take care of animals and adopt them out or let them live out the rest of their years with me. I love taking care of animals and being around them. But, unfortunately I am not wealthy and do not see that happening so much in the future, so I need something that can support me but also that I love doing. I like my job very much right now, but I don't know if it's something that I want to do forever.

9) I am a very practical person. My ex bought me a diamond necklace once and I had to put on a fake smile and thank him. He still didn't get the hint and that next Christmas he got me another one. For my birthday the next year he bought me a used Pessoa saddle and I cried. I think he knew from there what means the most to me. I'm not into big and fancy things. I like things I can use. I always said that if and when I get engaged, just buy me a horse trailer or a truck instead of a ring hahaha. And I'm still single why??? jk

10) Lastly, I am always trying to capture the years of my youth. I had so much fun as a kid. Summers were filled with sleepovers with my cousins and parties at the lake. Swimming and tubing and catching fire fly's. In the winter we would snowmobile and ski. My cousins came every February vacation to Maine and we would have a blast. We would hide sour cream and onion Pringles and root beer in my room and eat them every night. We would all fall asleep on my bed, 5 kids on a twin size bed is a feat in and of itself. Sports was a big part of my life as well. I had little to worry about and I miss that. Today I feel like I don't have as much fun. Worry about money and adult things like when my next oil change is, or juggling bills, or doing house work and laundry. I'm getting better on this, especially after the whole Nick thing, but it's still hard to really enjoy myself most of the time. I miss having one special person, even if it wasn't that special. It was mine and was real for me in the short time that it lasted. I need patience and faith that I too will get mine.

Well that's about it. Wow, lots of soul bearing and heavy topics. Hope I didn't scare you guys away. As for sending it to 10 other people, most of you have already done this, so I'll let it be an open invitation to whoever wants to take it. That's about it for today. It's hotter than anything here in Maine today and I have no idea what I'm doing after work. I want to go swimming, but I also want to spend time with the dogs. Oh yea, and I need to ride my horse sometime!

Monday, July 27, 2009

What Busy Looks Like......

Ok so I've been staying busy lately, but I havn't told you what busy really means. It means being silly, doing stupid things and getting a laugh at all costs. Saturday night my roomie and I went to a friends house to go water skiing and play in the lake, but after dinner it got to be late and then we were introduced to Photo Booth on her computer. It was all over from there. We had serious pics and crazy pics and just ones that made us laugh. I got a really good ab work out from laughing so much. Enjoy the pics below. I'm the one with the blonde hair in the greenish bathing suit.

I have to say that I'm still missing Nick. Today will bring it to a week and I havn't had any contact with him in a few days. I'm sure that he's moved on and is not looking back at all. I need to do this, but maybe being a girl or a super emotional or sentimental person hinders the process some. I'm working on it, a day at a time. I rode Possum Friday and Saturday. He still feels a little funky behind. He has some little lumps above his coronary band on his left hind. Possum is the kinf od horse who always has lumps and bumps, especially on his legs. When I first got him he had splints on both front legs. I'm wondering if he did that laying down in the paddock, or from rolling which he does frequently. He's not off to the point of noticing anything visual, except for the occasional losss of the hind end lead to the left. So we kept it pretty easy with lot of open area flat and then just trotting some easy lines keeping things steady and slow. He was more than willing to move forward as usual and I could feel he was wanting a galloping session, but I wasn't about to with his leg being funky.
Yesterday I didn't ride, but I did go to my parents and search through the entire house for my cleats which I couldn't find. I found some old soccer ones which suck, but I guess they're better then nothing. I did find my batting gloves which was cool and I also had the worst allergy attack. The closet in my room at my parents is soo dusty or something because I couldn't stop sneezing and coughing, it was horrible. I then went to the garage and thoroughly vacuumed out my car and cleaned it up which it needed desperately. I put in a new car freshener to help it not smell so much like dog and then drove to my friends house and watched a movie and had ice cream sundaes.
The movie we watched was Pay It Forward, a movie with Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt. I hadn't seen it in years but it was a great one to see again. In the whole scheme of things, I really don't have the problems that a lot of people do. I basically just don't have a bf. I'm not homeless, or have a substance abuse problem. I have a job and a car and some great friends. My family is all healthy and I get to see them whenever I want. I'm healthy myself and active and have my animals family. SOmetimes it takes putting yourself in someone else's shoes to realize that your own life isn't so bad. After the movie I went home and cleaned up and did laundry getting ready for the work week. I'm excited for softball practice tonight. Get outside and throw around and batting practice. I'm hanging in there guys. Staying busy at work and reading a book that I read in college, but really can't remember. Not Fade Way by Laurence Shames and Peter Barton. I man in his 50's dying from cancer and talking about his life and death. Really good read.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Busy Little Bee

Just as the title implies I have been busy. No moping around the house for me, although I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind. Last night I went to the barn after work and rode Possum. He was OK for the most part, but seemed a tad bit funky behind. Nothing I could pin point, so I kept it an easy work out and worked a lot on straight lines and not tight circles. Just something that I noticed that was a littlel different. No one could see anything and there were no obvious signs or anything. The paddocks had gotten a little muddy again from the rain so he might just be stiff standing in it, plus they also have another round bale so he's not moving around a whole lot. My horse will eat, shit and sleep in and around a round bale. I swear it's his first love. The barn was busy with activity for a Wednesday night with lots of people riding and visiting. We recently had a foal born about 2 weeks ago so we let mom and baby out in the arena to stretch their legs. He is just the cutest little colt and we have high hopes for him. We've been having trouble finding a name for him, show name and barn name. I came up with Careless Whisper last night. It's a song that George Michael did originally, but Seether just recently covered it and I love their rock version. I think it sounds like a good hunter show name and one of the girls at the barn is adament on calling him Cooper, so she can still call him that for his barn name. Any suggestions?? He's a bay with a star and a snip. He's perch x TB.

So after riding I hung out for a bit and then my friend called and asked if I wanted to come over and play games with some of her friends, and my roomie was there also. I said sure. I dropped the dogs off at home, changed and went to my friends. They were all playing badminton so I joined in and we had a good time. After that we got on the big trampoline and had a work out jumping and being crazy. We then went inside and had ice cream sundaes. It was getting late so I went home and made my bed which I had washed eariler. With three dogs and a cat it gets hairy quickly so I need to keep up with it. Got settled in bed and watched an espisode of INtervention which I had DVR'd. I love that show, must be because of the profession I'm in.

Today I have teen groups this afternoon and then softball practice at 6p. I hope the weather holds out since it looks a little cloudy. I miss Nick like crazy but unfortunately it's what has to happen. I talked to a friend of ours last night and he pretty much thinks it's over as well. He says that I can do better. It's hard to see that right now while I'm going through this, but I'm hoping he's right.. Keep the good thoughts coming guys, it's really helping. I'm on my own right now and just trying to get comfortable in my own space again. Keeping busy is good. The fact that I'm losing weight is fantastic. Life is good for me right now, I need to focus on that. Have a great day.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Skinny of it

So it's the end of the day and I'm still feeling crappy, but I know that in time this too will pass. Last night started out great. We had an awesome time playing tennis and we both got a really good work out. I also want to add that I kicked his ass hahaha. Then we went to his sisters house and played a little volleyball. We went back to his house and chilled and had some drinks. It was at this time that I wanted to talk and I was going to do it before it was bed time and he was falling asleep. I also had liquid courage on my side. I knew right away from his body language this this was going to be tough. To sum it up he said that he's just not feeling it. He said that he was sorry because he also added to the seriousness of the situation and was pursuing me. I asked if it was really because he was so busy right now and and asked if this was the middle of January if this would be different and he shook his head no. He said that he really cares for me and does not know what the future will bring, but that it's just not happening right now. I was also honest and up front with him and told him exactly how I felt. I wanted him to know that before I was gone for good. He actually started crying when I started to cry. I have to think that he cares atleast a little. I told him that I need to space myself from him. No calling or texting and certainly not hanging out, It would be too hard for me. He added that the first time we hung out he warned me to not fall for him (a conceted statement if I ever heard one) I informed him that it was not like I planned this, it just happened. I talked about how well we got along and how much fun we have, he did not argue with this. He said that it really doesn't make sense, but if he has even one doubt he's gonna go with it, and he has a doubt. It sucked and my heart felt like it was bleeding in my chest but atleast I knew where he was and wasn't hanging in limbo like the last 3 weeks. It was at this time that all of the good times we had came flooding into my mind and I just wanted the floor to swallow me whole and disapear forever. We hugged, we cried and I felt like shit. I know there are a lot of reasons that could make me not like Nick, but I just really like him for him. Not for what he does or how he looks (although this doesn't hurt) not for even how he really treats me, although things were better about a month ago. I like Nick because he is real. He's funny and can always make me laugh, I'm just a big pushover when it comes to him, he could tell me to jump off a bridge and I just might do it, as long as he was waiting at the bottom to catch me.

I sat there on the couch and thought of all the laughs I would miss, all the looks and hugs. I thought about how he never shaves his face regularly and it scratches against mine, I didn't care. I thought we were a good team, but you can't make someone feel something that they don't. Yes, I'm quoting the Bonnie Raitt song, it has never seemed so appropriate. Yes, I'm corny enough to listen to it as I'm typing. I don't know what it was, but just something about this silly little boy really struck a chord in me. I want it all and I can't have it. I have a good job, am financially independent, ride horses and love animals. I love to play sports and have my own life. What I really want is to just share it with someone. I told him last night that I want to be with my best friend, that's my wish. I think I'll keep on wishing. I know that we've only been hanging out for about 3 months, but it was one of the happiest times I have had. I just light up around him, it's infectious.

I asked him if I should close the book on all of this. He kinda heisitated and then said it might be best for me if I did, even though no one can predict the future. I let him know that when I close the door on something it usually stays that way. I said I was sorry that this had to happen and he said sorry too. I felt like a balloon tied to a mail box a week after a birthday party, just kind of dragging and moving in the breeze. I wanted to leave but I had a few drinks and driving would be a very bad idea. I was forced to sleep it off for about 2 hrs and then drove home. No radio, no noise, just me and my thoughts. As soon as I got home I went and sat on my roomates bed and cried and talked to her until 5am. I was thoroughly exhausted and needed to lay down. I have to say that she was great with me. She hugged me and supported me and said that I have so much to give to someone, this was just a stepping stone. It really helped. I slept for about 10 minutes and then woke up in a panic, and then another 10 min and the same thing. I tried to stay busy today. I had planned to attend softball practice at 6 and still decided to go. As fate would have it I had to walk across the soccer field to get to the baseball field and Nick just happened to be playing soccer with friends. I wanted to run and just keep running, running out of this town, out of this state and to somewhere else. I held my head high and kept my eyes trained ahead of me and made the long walk across, felt like I was on the Green Mile. Practice was good. I always feel better playing softball, it's my most favorite sport, other then riding ofcourse. It was good to be out in the air and hearing the slap of the leather glove as it caught the ball in just the right spot. The ping of the alluminum bat, I felt like I was back in school. As we packed up I felt a little more confident for the walk back to the car, but still felt odd. Like I was one of those snobby girls in school who don't talk to anyone who's a geek and turn their nose up to them. But I had to, I was about to crumble. One hi or even eye contact would have brought me right back to last night and I had to pick myself up and move on.

Blogging really helps to get the thoughts out of my head and leave them here on the page instead of carrying them around with me. You guys have always been so patient with me over the last year and a half. It must be frustrating to see me stumble and even fall like a child when you know it's coming and just sit back and let it happen. But I'm tough, I can take it. I'm gonna let myself be sad and get over this and then move on to whatever fate will bring me. I'm not going to stop until I'm happy. I'm not settling on anything, I did that too long in my last relationship and I want only the best there is for me. So I'm letting this go, I need to to keep my sanity. I love Nick dearly and hope only the best for him. Being happy is the one thing that we can go and get and what we deserve. I might falter along the way but I have to keep to my guns and do this for myself.

My dogs have been great. They always know when I'm upset. Phin wouldn't leave me alone and every time I cried he was right there to dry my tears. I don't know what I would do without my animals, their everything to me. Whenever I need a bed buddy they're there and they also give great hugs. I'm gonna try and go to bed now, hopefully I can sleep more then 10 min intervals. Tomorrow is a new day with new prospects and adventures. Trying to look at the positive of things. Nite all.

It's Over

I don'thave alot of time or energy to write a big long post, but wanted to say that Nick and I are over, or whatever we had. We talked in person last night,I basically cornered him and made him talk. He just isn't feeling it and I need to cut my losses. He had no real explanation other than he has doubts of us being together and he is acting on that. I'm really sad and tired today. Been crying a lot and just trying to be with friends. I have told Nick and that we cannont talk or text at all. I need time to heal and being just friends at the moment is not an option for me at this time. PLease send positive thoughts for me. I'm kinda a wreck and just trying to get through this. Thank God for my dogs and horse I'm really going to need them right now

Monday, July 20, 2009

The start of the work week

I can actually say that I'm glad that the weekend is over. I know I'm crazy, especially with all of this beautiful weather we've been having, but it's just something to take my mind off of things. Yesterday I was quite busy. My friend and my three dogs all loaded in the car and we went to visit my old trainer. The place where I learned to ride. She lives about half an hour from me and I alwasy try and visit every few months. She ran right out of the barn and gave me a big hug. her husband asked if my ears were burning becaues they were just talking about me, weird. My dogs played with her boxer and airedale and had a good time sniffing butts and running around. We stood around and told stories about the good times and then talked about how hard it is now. She even asked me about the bf situation and that was a tough one to talk about. Luckily my friend was with me and she is single also so we had girl power going for us. My old trainer showed us around and all the new horses she has gotten. I was sad to hear that she had to put down her old arab mare. She was nearly 30, her name was Davah and she had one eye due to an accident she had when she was about 8. This was the first horse I had ever ridden (she was techincally 14.3 with shoes on) She taught me to post and steer and not to bump her with my legs. Because she was an arab she was hotter than hot but that old mare and I had so much fun. When I finally was able to ride on my own and know all of the gaits this mare and I would fly around the trails, usually at a full gallop. She could go for miles and never wanted to slow down. Everyone used to remark that her black mane would be flowing in my face, and my long blonde hair would be almost mixed with her tail since she held it so high. She was a spit fire of a mare and didn't put up with anything. She wasn't marish at all even though she had 3 foals in her life. She was always up for an adventure. She would spook a lot, especially with having only one eye but it made me have a better seat and it just became natural to have her skip across the trail at a funny looking rock or a bird flying away. I was a little sad when she told me she had her put down, but I also knew that it was time. She wasn't holding weight very well and she had started to trip some.

After visiting for a little while we then drove to my parents house to pick up my tennis racket. I've been wanting to play tennis again. On our way back home we stopped at my parents little camp on the lake and put the dogs in and then went kayaking for a little over an hr. It was nice to be out on the lake again. We saw a bunch of loons and it was cool. They would dive under the water and then pop up right near us. Those suckers can really swim fast under water. Here is a pic of what they look like if your not familiar. And yes, they really do have red eyes.

After we left the lake I dropped my friend off and went home and relaxed. I was still not ready to end the day so at around 8p I went to the barn and had a quick ride on Possum before it got dark. He was really good. I was only able to ride for about 45 min before it was totally dark, but it was nice bonding with him and talking to him about all that is going on. He really is like my best friend. I gave him a couple handfulls of grain after as a treat and he was thrilled.

I think Nick and I might play tennis tonight. As usual all communication is started by me. He really wants to play tennis though and I love playing so hopefully it works out. It';s a gorgeous day and I'm excited to be out in it. I have a killer tan going on too which is always nice. I am also officially at 140 lbs as of this morning. I would love to lose 10 more lbs and I'll be happy. My lowest last summer with the break up and all I was 124 and everyone said that I looked sickly. I'm pretty muscular and do not have a small frame so I will never be one of those rail thin girls. I just want to look good and feel good. With all the activities I'm doing lately I feel my muscles aching and getting bigger and leaner. That's definately a good thing. I think that's about all for today. I'm probably giving Possum the day off today since I've ridden him 5 days in a row. I took the time last night to really give him a thorough inspection. His coat is shiny slick and healthy. His muscles are lean and pronounced. You can't see his ribs but feel them if you push on his sides. He's got a nice strong back and a top line that is as developed as his conformation will allow. His eyes were bright and legs and feet looked good. I just can't get over that he is 14 now. I will have had him for 6 years the beginning of September. It's crazy to think of how far we have come. We have such a strong relationship and basically knows what the other is thinking. He's not always the easiest horse to ride but I trust him and he trusts me. The years are flying by, it's scary. Oh well, back to work. Have a great day everyone.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Keeping Busy

Been trying hard to stay busy lately. I've been riding Possum a lot on the trails and hanging at the beach with friends. It's nice to have friends in high places, or atleast at the lake hehehe. Yes Emily, I did reference you! Have been feeling pretty down which is normal after a situation like this. My horse has been doing awesome. I have decided to take a break from the ring for a few days since it's been so hot and just go and relax down the trail. I rode to the pond yesterday by myself and it was nice to relax and just chill with my horse. We went in the water up to his belly. He woulda gone in further but my tack would have been very angry at me. On the way back I was rounding a corner and there was a deer, a doe standing in front of us, about 30 feet away. She just looked at us and Possum didn't even care. He started to prance wanting to go further. I was fumbling with my camera phone to take a pic and just as I was about to snap it she ran away. It was nice and put a smile on my face. Ofcourse I was dumb and texted Nick that I saw the deer and all he could say was "cool" about an hr later. Ughh so frustrating. When we got back to the farm I gave Possum a cool hosing and put him back out. As soon as his butt was through the gate he stopped and rolled right in the manure and mud slop. He was covered in dirt and muck. I had to laugh as he got to his feet, let out a big snort and then proceeded to eat from the round bale. Another smile for the day.

After the barn I went home to drop the dogs off and grab my bathing suit. I then raced over to my friends house on the lake. We laid out on the dock for a few chatting and then her dad offered to take us water skiing, Sweet! First we had to get gas, ofcourse it's was at the marina that Nick works at, I was praying that he wasn't there, thinking that I might be stalking him or something. He wasn't, his dad came out and filled up the boat. I think he remembered me because he looked at me like he did, but it was hard to tell. I was wondering if Nick told him that we weren't hanging out anymore. OK, so I was over thinking again, but hey, it's what I do. After getting gas we started to have some real fun. My friend went first. She is quite the pro, she goes on 1 ski!!! After her turn I put on two skis I was about to jump in the water when Nick comes cruising by on a pontoon boat. He waves and I give a half hearted one. He is clearly out of sight before I start skiing, thank goodness. I was so proud of myself, I got right up on the first try!!! I was so excited. I started doing turns and lasted quite a while. I did that for a few before it was discussed that I try 1 ski. I quickly knew that this was going to be a problem. I just couldn't get my balance and figure out how it was supposed to feel. I nearly got up a few times with one foot on the ski and one flailing like an idiot beside me before I finally crashed hard. I had quite a few crashes and it wasn't pretty. I know this because people were honking their horns everytime I crashed, it must have been funny to them, but it just frustrated me and wanted to make me get it. Finally I was getting tired and had to give it a rest. My friends dad went next and he was super good. He was flying all over the place, going one handed and all. It made me feel like an idiot and wanting to try it again. I was pretty banged up and had pulled a muscle in my arm pretty good from one of my wipeouts so we decided to go back. We had an awesome dinner and then I went home shortly after looking at pics from the last show. Ofcourse my friend rides horses too.

When I got home I felt like cleaning so I cleaned my room top to bottom and then watched TV until going to bed at 11. Still no word from Nick. I got up at 9 and hung out with the dogs and then went to lunch with my roomie. I wanted to look good so I got some nice jeans and heels and a tank top. If I didn't feel great, I might want to try and look good. I'm also doing really well in eating less and moving more. Losing weight and looking great hahaha. Went to the barn in the afternoon and went for a trail back to the pond with another boarder. We had fun and the horses were relaxed. I gave Possum some treats and threw him back out to his hay. Went home and let the dogs out and played with them and then went to another friends house to walk the track near her house. We walked nearly 2 miles and it was nice to burn a few extra calories. SO it's Saturday night and I'm home blogging and watching TV, wow I'm so cool. Tomorrow is supposed to be gorgeous and I have no real big plans. Probably hit up the barn again and we'll see what the day brings. I have not texted Nick all day and he has not contacted me. I don't know if I miss him, or maybe the idea of him. It's pretty confusing, but I know I'm feeling crappy right now. I know this will pass so I'm doing my best to be busy and try and have some fun. I know that I must let this go. I'm too accessible and care too much. He needs to do his own thing right now and I'm not even giving him the chance to miss me, or maybe not miss me. Just living day to day is the plan, I just need to stick to that. Have a good night everyone, I'm desperately trying to find something on TV to watch that doesn't involve relationships, not having any luck so far. Think I'm gonna grab a beer and sit on the porch. Nite

Thursday, July 16, 2009


The title of this post is kinda how I feel, very Blah. I went to the barn last night with the dogs and rode Possum. The barn was packed and very busy so I had to tie him to the trailer outside since all of the cross ties were taken. He has been eating on a round bale since Monday so he was fat and happy. He came right to the gate and followed me to the trailer. He was all lovey and stuff, it was kinda weird. Suprisingly he was still pretty clean and smooth from his scrubbing Saturday before the show, so it was an easy grooming. I took my time getting him ready and just talked to him and ran my hands along his sleek neck and back. He just kinda watched me. As soon as I got on I knew it was going to be a rough ride. I could feel the energy coursing through him. Even on the fkat he was revved to go. I just tried to stay strong with my body and keep my legs tight on him. It was a trying ride, but consideringg that he was super hyper I was able to keep him manageable. We worked a lot on the flat just being slow and relaxed. Then we trotted lots of 2'3" fences and then eventually started cantering them. We worked a lot on transitions and getting him off my hands and listening to the half halts through my body. We were both puffing when we were done. After the ride I undressed him and put him back to his round bale. I then watched all of the activity gooing on in the ring and chatted with friends. It was a beautiful evening. Perfect temp, totally dry and the sun shining. It just felt like something was missing though. Maybe my own sense of self, who knows.

I loaded up the dogs and we went home. I cooked some kielbasa for dinner. My roomie is working basically all of the rest of the week and weekend so it's gonna be quiet at the house. Just as I was settling in for the night a friend called and I went over to her house to have a drink and chat. We might be going to a softball game tonight to watch some hot guys play hahaha. I just can't get the Nick thing out of my head. One minute I'm mad for how he is treating me, and the next I just am too nice and really want to see him. My friend stopped by last night after Nick dropped him off and we chatted a bit about the whole situation. He clearly thinks that I am dumb for even caring about Nick and it bothers him how he treats me right now, he says that I'll be better of without him. I may be, but this needs to run it's course too, and it looks like it's getting to the end. My goal for today is to have no contact with him. I need a break from all of this friend, not friend stuff. I'm so sorry you guys have to liten to my rants, but this is the best way that I can process all of this shit. I need to take myself totally out of the picture. I'm giving him everything that he wants but without the commitment or time of being in a real relationship. Sometimes I just want to kick myself in the ass for putting others before myself, always! OK, enough about that.

My phone died the other morning so I had to get a shitty loaner phone. This morning the mail man delivered my new phone, so after work I need to go get it programmed. Plus I need to go to the pharmacy and also to the bank. I might try and it up the barn as well depending on when and if the softball game is going on. I'm just trying to stay as busy as possible and meet as many people as possible, like a nice little support system. Have a great day, I have to travel up north right now for a teen leadership group so I'll have a nice hr ride to mull over all of this crap again hahaha.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Quick Post

Above is a snap shot of after we were all done showing. Possum and I are on the far right and my roomie is next to me. As you can see I am already in my shorts and tank top and Possum was basically sleeping wondering why I dragged him away from his hay net. This is a smaller group of riders compared to what we usually have at shows. It's not uncommone for the barn owner to have over 10 students and horses at a show which leaves her running around like crazy.
Last night was a slow night for me. I was soooo tired from staying up so late at Nick's that I went home and laid in the bed with the dogs and fell asleep for about an hr. I then managed to get up and eat some soup for dinner and watched a little TV with my roomie. Then I went to bed cause my eyes just wouldn't stay open. Nick is still texting me on a regular basis and he even just called me. I'm completely taking everything at face value and not going to read into anything. This is hard for me since I love to analize and ponder over everything, and I mean everything, If you don't believe me, ask any of my friends, I'm pretty sure their sick of hearing about the Nick saga.
My plans for tonight are that I have no solid plans. If nothing comes up I plan on going to the barn and riding lightly and taking the dogs so they can run around and play some. I'm keeping my options open hahaha. Have a great day everyone.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Horse Show, Water Sports and Fun with Friends

Wow, I just realized that I havn't blogged in a while. SO much has happened, lots of good things and lots of other stuff too. Let me start off by saying that last week I busted my ass to ride every day of the week in preparation of the show that was this past Sunday. We had lots of serious rides and Possum was pretty good or the most part. I kept myself busy during the woek week riding and then running with the dogs some. Again, I'm trying to lose a littl weight so I'm trying to eat less and move more. SO far so good.

Saturday I spent the entire day at the barn. I got there at about 9:30am and didn't leave until about 8:30pm. I rode Possum before it got really hot, although I was roasting after the ride. The weather was bright and sunny so that was a plus. After riding we went on a mini trail ride with some folks and then I came back to the barn and gave him a thorough washing with lots of soap and water. I then put a sheet on him and let him loose to graze while I got my tack and things ready. The barn owner then braided him since I absolutely suck at it and we managed to dqueakin 26 braids which is huge for him. Most of the other horses at the farm we can get over 30, but Possum and his hair issues it's tough. Possum was tired after riding all week and was kinda sluggish int eh ring so I was hoping that it carried over to the show. Possum was the best he has ever been braiding, the worst thing he did was keep yawning, it was really funny, he couldn't stop. I then packed the hay nets and got the truch and trailer ready and cleaned my tack. By this time I was completely out of steam and basically just watched everyone else get ready. I visited with people and then wrangled up the dogs who were equally exhausted and went home.

Once home I washed and polished my boots and packed my show clothes and thena change of clothes for when I was done. The forecast was calling for possible rain in the morning so I was praying that it wouldn't. I went to bed right around 10pm and fell right asleep. When my alarm went off at 3:30am I was confused for a minute why it was going off in the middle of the nightm until I came to and realized that it was show day. I must have been really tired to forget about that. I had taken a shower the night before so I stumbled into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth and got dressed and ready for the day. My roomie also came out of her room in a daze to get ready. By 4:10am we were bright as bunnies and heading down the road to the barn. ONce we got to the barn we fed the horses their breakfast, loaded the rest of the trailer with our supplies and tack and loaded all the horses and away we went. The horses are so used to shows now that they basically just load themselves.

When we got to the show I was actually not rushing around and had plenty of time to get my number and stuff and get Possum settled in and then changed into my show clothes and got him dressed for warm-up. He did really well in the warm-up and only once during the jumping did I need to sharply remind him not to rush after the jump. We were ready to go. I brougthh im back to the trailer for a last minute drink of water and promptly at 8am we entered the ring for our first jumping class.

We did well. There were spots of rushing and figuring out the striding, but for the most part it was solid. He was clean over all the jumps, we used our corners well and on lines when we got a big spot coming in, I had to leave a stride out on the other end to try and make it flow and avoid those nasty chip-ins. We progressively got better as the morning went on, but so did everyone else. We were consistently placing third in classes of about 6 or so. All of the riders were pretty good for the most part and their horses were way nicer than Possum. There probably wasn't much that seperated 1st through 4th in the placings. Possum and I always do really well in the flat, but I don't know if the judge didn't like us that much or what because we got some seconds and thirds in the flat too. I was a little disappointed in the eq flat that we got beat by a girl that had her hands in her lap and loose legs. Her horse wasn't even braided! I was right behind her so I could see all that she was doing, or actually not doing. I felt like my legs were tight and strong, my hands were up, my back was arched as much as it could go and my head and upper body were stretching upwards. We got second and I was bummed only because I saw the girl who beat us. Oh well, that's how it goes at horse shows.

All in all it was a good day. I was able to get all my points and qualify for the Downeast Medal Finals that will be in September for the Adult Medal division. This is our first year at the medals in the 2'9" classes so I still need to train hard and be ready for September. Possum's biggest thing is rushing the lines, that has to stop! Even though Possum had his moments of rushing and getting strong, after only a couple of strides I was able to get him back and collected. It's just so hard to regain that steady rhythm for me to focus on the flow of the course. Possum executed all of his flying changes when needed which I was thrilled about. Over the jump felt nice like he was using his back and getting his knees right up there. I'm still waiting for the photographer to upload all of the photos. I'm going to give the show a B for a grading in the placing department, but an A- on cooperation for Possum because he really was doing well. This is our last show before the finals so I really need to build on this last one and be ready and sharp for the finals. I'm not looking to win the thing this year, but a respectable placing would be nice.

So after the show we got back to the barn super early, like 3pm and we all decided to go to a riders house who lives on the lake and have a BBQ and go boating and tubing. I just have to say that I had the most fun that afternoon. We all had a blast tubing and riding on the boat. I was laughing and screaming so hard that I lost my voice. The weather was great, I was with great friends and it felt really good to let loose. Tubing was so awesome, I love adrenaline sports and getting whipped around at around 40 mph is right up my ally. Plus seeing everyone else go and the looks on their faces was just priceless. It was a great day and one that I really needed.

Nick had texted me earlier in the morning "good luck hunny" I was pretty upset by this but tried to brush it off and focus on the show. We have been texting some and he will call me once in a while. He texted me SUnday night when I was going to bed that he missed me and wished that I was around. He said that he really wants to hang out. I just don't know what that means, but then again I read into everything!

Last night after work my roomie and I went back to our friends house on the motorcycle to swim and go back out boating, we wanted to try our hand at water skiing. Nick did end up showing up since it's very close to his house and he drove us girls around while my roomie and I attempted to water ski. The other girl was already pretty much a pro and even skiid on one ski. Nick is also a pro and opted to not ski since it was kinda cool out on the lake and was starting to get dark. We had dinner that her parents made which was really yummy, we swam, went in the hot tub and water skied. It was hard for me at first. I almost got up a couple times and then on the 4th try I was up and going. I got bored at just going straight so I decided to try some turns and then ended up whiping out shortly after. I had a good time and definately want to do it again to see if I can get better. It was about 9pm when we got back to the dock. Nick left to go to a party across the lake this his parents were attending to say hi and chill and my roomie and I drove back home on the bike and froze out little tushies off. It was really cold! Especially with wet hair and shorts. Before Nick left he did grab my arm and give me a big hug, I still felt a little flat about the whole thing and tried to lift my spirits and not dwell on it. I'm really trying, but sometimes it really gets to me.

After I got home and let the dogs out and put on warmer clothes Nick called me and asked me to come over and hang out and watch Wipe Out which is a show we love watching together since we laugh our asses off. I thought about it for a minute and said to myself "what the hell". I went over there and am kinda glad that I did because we laughed a lot and had a good time. We didn't end up going to bed until after 2am and I wasn't about to drive home so I crashed a his place. I got up bright and early this morning and cursed at myself for staying up so late and drove home to get ready for work. Nick yelled for me to have a good day as I was walking down the stairs. I'm actually doing Ok for not having much sleep. He texted me this morning but I was in a meeting just to say good morning.

Let me end this by saying that I am not getting my hopes up at all! I am not and will not allow myself to get sucked into a black hole. Yes I think we both have feelings for each other, but things are obviously just not right right now. They may be later on, or maybe not. I'm not holding my breath on anything, but I am also aware of how I feel and will try and protect myself to the best of my ability. I'm just going to keep on living day to day and have the best summer that I can.

Possum just got new shoes on yesterday so I'm thinking about going to the barn and riding, but it depends on how tired I am. I'll probably go regardless tolet the dogs run around and atleast groom my pony, but we'll see. It's supposed to be rainy with thundershowers this afternoon and I really hate riding in the indoor int he summer. I'm gonna play it by ear. SO as usualy leave me a comment or tell me what you think. I have a feeling that the majority of you will not be happy that I just up and went to his house last night, but it happened and i don't think he got the wrong message about it, nor did he think that he could just make me do whetever he wants. He did offer to come to my house buy my roomate was sleeping and the dogs would have gone crazy. Well, have a good day. Ofcourse it's sunny while I'm working right now, but I don't think it will last. I'll check back in tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Silver Lining, maybe.... hoping....

As you all know I've been having a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole Nick thing. But from the pic above, how could you not laugh at that. Abby and Phin decided to completely destroy a stuffed animal last night. They would play tug of war and Phinney would whip it around and Abby would attack it by diving her nose into the side wound of the animal and pluck out all of the stuffing. It felt good to laugh and just let loose. I was laughing so much my stomach hurt. I didn't even mind picking up all the stuffing after.
After work last night I raced home and changed and packed the dogs int eh car and went to the barn. It was pouring rain at this time and Possum did not feel the need to come out of his run in shelter so I had to literally wade in knee deep mud by the gate to go and retrieve him. I gave him a quick grooming and threw on my saddle and bridle and high tailed it to the arena dodging the rain. His warm-up was excellent. he flatted nicely and was bending and responsive and light in my hands. I then trotted some jumps, nothing above 2'6" and he did really well and if I asked him to stay in a trot after the jump he did and when I asked him to canter away he did. After some good warming up at the canter and trot we got down to business. I wanted to work on tight turns since we were in the indoor and there weren't many jumps set up. Two single jumps in the middle set at a diagonal. Possum did really well with the tight roll backs and waited for my signal if we needed toa flying change. Only a couple of times did we mess up and part of it was my fault.
Possum was really great for the most part but my body is just not doing what I want it to lately. I'm finding especially in the tight turns that all of my weight is in my outside stirrup (a common mistake I know) I am having to really struggle to keep the weight even in both stirrups. I decided to take my stirrups away and seee how I could cope with that. I felt myself starting to tip to the outside, but my legs are strong enough without stirrups that it kept me centered and I was able to sit up better too. I took my stirrups back and really worked on sitting up and keeping the weight even. It's so hard sometimes doing this all by yourself. I don't take lessons so it makes the process even slower for me. I know most of the time what I need to do, but seeing is half the problem, I need another pair of educated eyes on the ground to help me out. Oh well, such is life. I was very happy with Possum so we ended after only iding for about 40 min because I wanted to end on a good note and leave him feeling positive and happy with his work. The dogs followed me back to the barn, cantering because the rain was really coming down and I gave Possum his dinner and put on a rain sheet and threw him back out to eat his hay.
When I got home I just chilled. I'm back to trying to eat healthier so I made a healthy dinner and watched some Deadliest Catch (one of my favorite shows) and played with the dogs. I have to admit that I did text Nick last night, but it was to tell him my side of things. I actually asked him to call me or come over so we could talk in person. He called about an hour later but we had people over and I couldn't really talk to I resigned to texting. I said my piece abotu his trying to hard. About him playing the part and maybe feeling burned out a little. I told him that hanging out every day was like eating candy all the time. We like candy a lot, but to much of it it loses it's novelty and can even make us sick. I have to say that I felt better about saying my piece. I was in a clear mind and did not have emotions getting in my way. Nick actually agreed with what I had to say. I told him that we kind of strayed away from the fun and good times and played the label game. I told him that that is my only bad attribute hahaha. I love making labels. He seemed to respond in a positive way. I let it end on that and didn't say much else. I did tell him about the good ride on Possum because I knew he would be happy, and he was. SO today I was just going to let things settle in. It's rainign again but I have enough to keep me busy and I'm riding tonight. Just as I was writing this I get a text from Nick asking how my day was going. I gave him a quick honest answer and asked him how he was doing. We're both working inside today.
I think it's just time for me to play it cool. I need to work on my riding and getting ready for the show. My dogs always need me and I need them so their always a good companion. I'm going to focus on keeping busy. My brother flew in from Los Angeles last night so I'm spending Friday with my family after I ride and then the weekend is the show and prep on Saturday. Nick has some thinking to do, and I need to think less hahah, it's so funny how different people are sometimes. My mind is clear today, I have a plan and my friends all support me. I think I'm good right now and I'm not going to force anything with Nick. If things happen, it's because their supposed to and not because we made it happen.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Haying, Beer, and Just Friends

So I got a call from Nick yesterday afternoon saying that he would call me later in the afternoon to talk about our status since I was working and he was with a friend (big surprise). My stomach was in knots all day long. I hate these dumb talks and I just knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. I raced out of work and flew home and changed and picked up the dogs and went to the barn. Possum still didn't have his shoe on so I just hung out and talked to my friends and explained the situation that Nick and I were in. All the while I was keeping my eye on the phone dreading the talk. My farrier came and put Posusm's shoe on and I attempted to ride. My body was all over the place. I could feel that I lost some muscle and it just pissed me off. Possum was pretty good for the most part until we ran into a snag. Our outdoor arena is not completely flat so there is a slight downhill side and uphill side. Possum always rushes the lines going downhill. Gravity is not our friend, especiall for an appy that is built downhill as it is. There was one diagonal line in particular that he was really having trouble with.

I tried lots of exercises. Halting in the line, breaking to a trot and trotting the second fence and then trying to get the nice 5 quiet strides. At one point it was just horrible and we totally crashed through the first fence in the line. I was so frustrated and had so many pent up emotions that I just lost it for a minute. I just stood there on Possum with my head down and sobbed. I cried for the lousy jump, I cried for the end of a good relationship with Nick, I cried because I just want to be happy and it always just seems out of reach. I pieced myself back together, wiped my face with the back of my hand and urged Possum into a canter because we were going to end the ride on a good note. After I finally got a decent 5 strides in the line I let him end on that. My nerves were frayed and I was physically exhausted. I got off and grabbed my phone that was sitting in the middle of the arena and walked slowly to the barn. Hardly anyone was there so it was nice to just chill. I stripped Posusm of his tack and let him loose to graze while I sat on the swing and just soaked up my dogs love and attention. I left about 30 min later.

As I was driving home Nick's familiar ring tone filled the car. I took a deep breath and answered it trying to sound chipper which was a miserable attempt. The conversation lasted only about 10 minutes and he kept losing service which was tough. To sum it up, he wants to be friends. He says that he is too busy and has too much going on to have anything serious. He said that he thought that he was ready, but he really isn't right now. It was no suprise to me, I was figuring that this was going to go this way. His voice lacked that joking and flirty tone that it always had. Maybe he was afraid of me or what I was going to say. If he only knew that I just had nothing left that day. I listened to all he had to say with the usual "Ok" and "yup" in the mix. I was honest and told him that I was sad and it sucked but that life would go on. He said that he didn't want me waiting for him or anything. I said don't worry, I won't. I said that maybe it just wasn't meant to be, and he then said that if it was meant to be it will happen. He said that maybe when he is ready and wants someone and I'm single we would get together. I wasn't going to hold my breath. He went on to say how awesome I am, blah blah blah. I could tell that he was just ready to end the conversation. I wasn't sure how I felt. I knew that once we hung up we wouldn't talk again for a long time. I just didn't know if I was ready to let go. Then he hit me with the friends thing, "I still want to hang out with you, your so much fun" yadda yadda. I said that I wouldn't be able to hang out or chat for a while, just needed to do my own thing and keep him out of my head. It just really sucked because it felt like he had all the power. He was the teacher and I was the student getting reprimanded. Then the tears came. First one and then they started to roll down my dirt streaked cheeks. I knew I had to hang up, and soon before I made an even bigger ass of myself. I ended the conversation with a squeaky "have a good night." I closed my phone, lit a cigarette and just sat on the hood of my car and cried. I called the barn owner and let her know what we all thought was going to happen. She was haying with someone else at the farm and they were going to get square bales on the tractor. She told me to come back to the barn and bring some beer and chill and do hay. My first reaction was to not go, all I wanted to do was sit and feel sorry for myself. But then I pulled myself together, put on some comfy clothes and went to the store and got some beer and drove back to the barn.

I am so glad that I did. We loaded and unloaded about 100 square bales sipping beer and talking and joking. It felt good to laugh. My face felt like it had been cemented in a grimace until then. I was surrounded by friends and sweet smelling horses. The sun dipped down and was replaced with a full harvest moon. It was so bright that you didn't even need lights to see. At about 10p I drove home. My dogs were waiting as usual and gave me hugs and kisses. Their always happy to see me no matter how long I'm gone. I took a pair of Nick's socks that he left at the house and brought them down on the porch for him to get whenever he wanted. I then got ready for bed, brushed my teeth and settled into bed with 3 dogs and a cat. It was at that moment that I knew everything was going to be OK. I just have to get through this for something else good to happen. I need to stay open and happy and live my life. Yea it sucks that nothing will happen right now between us, but it's also not something you can force to happen. He's a great guy, he never treated me bad or was an ass for the most part. I love him to pieces and he just needs to get himself straight. Sure I'll miss him like crazy and having him around and hugs and kisses and the way his scruffly face felt against mine. There will be more time for that. Until then I'm focusing on my riding and having fun and not letting any opportunity pass me by.

A day has passed and it's now Tuesday. I'm sitting in my office and it's threatening to rain again. I have a busy afternoon and then going to ride after work. I'm going to choose to look forward to that. Sure I'm thinking about Nick a lot, it's just part of the grieving process, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I have some great friends and a horse and three dogs and a cat that adore me. What else does a girl need?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Not such a great holiday weekend

Sorry guys, I just knew the bottom would fall out from under me sometime and it looks like I'm on shaky ground right now. I've been kinda down because Possum is still missing a hind shoe that hopefully will be put back on today. We have a pretty big show next weekend so it's been tough not getting him ready and working the past 5 days. Plus I've had some matters of the heart go sour and all I really wanted to do was take my pony down the trail and relax and tell him everything that has happened, which I couldn't do that because of his shoe. Let me start at the beginning.

Last Wednesday and Thursday Nick has seemed a little more distant, just little tiny things that my hyper sensitive self would notice. Not as many texts in the day and not as many "I miss you's" Other than that everything was fine, no arguments or anything. Then Thursday night I was actually showered, dressed and ready to head over to his place when he texted me with this: "Molly, I think we need to step back a little". I was floored, so I replied "Umm ok." He then proceded to text me saying that his head is messed up and he's just confused and needs some time to himself. I told him that I thought something was up. I then tried to call him to talk about it not through text and he didn't answer and texted that he just needed some time and that he was playing video games with his friend. I was totally floored. I didn't know if I should be mad, or sad or what. I later texted him and asked if this was the end of us or what and he wrote back "I'd hope not." OK, I'm lost, what does that mean? I can't even ask him any of the questions that are running through my mind. The only logical explanation that I can think of is that my feelings are too intense for him. I'm a girl that doesn't like to play games. If I like someone they know it, I'm not good at the chase thing. I just want to be happy and on the same page as my significient other. He lives his life very much by the seat of his pants and maybe he feels like he is going to be tied down. This is not my motivation. I do not want to tie someone down or have them feel like they HAVE to hang out with me or talk to me. I want someone with me because they want to be. SO other then Thursday night there has been basically no contact. When I say basically I mean that on the 4th he texted me and said that his friend wanted to know where I get my favorite kind of beer. I was kinda pissed that even though he can't talk to me about what is going on and stuff, he has the nerve to ask me about beer for his friend. SO after I told him where I get it, I informed him that he can text me if he wants to talk to me, and if his friend has a question about something to give him my number. And an hour before that I get a voicemail from him of what sounds like his phone in his pocket that goes on for about 10 minutes. SO I call and ask him if he meant to leave a message and he says that his phone randomely dials numbers because it's a touch phone and he didn't mean to call me. Great, so now I look like an even bigger idiot.

I seriously don't know what is up with me. Why do I get myself in these situations. Maybe my loser radar is totally off, or I just choose to see the best in people who end up hurting me in the end. I have to say that I'm pretty crushed right now. I would be lying if I said this wasn't on my mind all weekend and I def did not have as much fun as I could have with this hanging over my head. So what do I do? My friends all say to not talk to him, to give him his space and time to miss me. Do you all know how hard that is for me??!! We go from hanging out every day and talking all the time, to nothing and "I need my space". I really feel like such a loser. I guess the one good thing is that it can only get better from here hopefully. It just sucks because I really liked Nick. He's funny and great and can always make me feel better and I thought we got along soooo well. Yea he's a little immature, but I'm a little upright so isn't that supposed to compliment each other?? Oh well, I'm totally confused and the only thing I can do is wait and do my own thing and see what he comes up with after some "space". I'll keep you guys updated.

I also rode one of the other horses at the barn yesterday and she was a complete bitch!!! She pulled a hissy fit when I asked her to go down the trail alone. Rearing and spinning and acting like a spoiled little brat. It's times like these that I really miss my horse. I didn't feel like working with a horse and reprimanding them, I just wanted to go down the road on a sunny day and feel better about life. Well I'm at work today and going to concentrate on the week. I have groups and educations this week so it will be pretty busy which will be good. Have a great day everyone, I'm gonna hang in there.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

good rides and a missing shoe

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged last. Monday I rode Possum in the afternoon in the indoor ofcourse because we have had something like 26 straight days of rain, I kid you not. Crops are flooded and dying in the state, rivers are overflowing and washing out roads and fields. The ground is totally saturated and our paddocks at the barn are a huge mud pit. I also think I am seriously lacking in vitamin D and need the sun to shine. My aditude is lacking some and I'm a little cranky. I rode with my roomie on Monday and we both worked on trotting fences and gettingour horses right to the base of it to work on tight knees and our positions. For having 6 days off form riding my whole body has gone to shit. My right leg was doing some funky things and I just couldn't get in the groove, it was frustrating me. It was a good ride and a good one for both Possum and I to get back into real work with some time off.

Last night I went to the barn to ride Possum, and yet again it was drizzling and the outdoor was way too slippery to be riding in so we worked some in the indoor. Possum was actually quite good and I felt a little better with my equitation, although my right leg was still trying to do some funky things. On the approach to every jump Ihad to remind myself outloud "right leg, right leg". There were only two diagonal lines set up in the arena so after a really good flat we did some trotting. First trotting aftre the jump and then after a while cantering away. At the end I got off and put one of the jumos up to 2'9" and the other at 3'. We cantered each jump one after the other working on pace and rhythm. Possum was actually great and I was thrilled. It wasn't a course or anything, but it was still jumps one after another. I let him end on that and and we walked up to the barn. He still had some energy so I decided to go down the road for a gallop. My friend offered to follow us in a car to see how fast we really were going. As soon as we hit the straightaway Possum shot forward and was ready to go. I gave him his head and he stretched out eating the ground with his strides. I kneaded my hands along his neck asking for more speed and he dug in even more. As the road started to go uphill I out my arm up to signal to my friend that we were slowing down. After we walked she pulled up to us and said that she had to back off some from all the rocks and dirt being kicked up but did get us at 45mph. I was so thrilled. Maybe we could have hit 50 or more if there was another horse for competition, I know Possum and I have gone faster before. I thanked her and turned Possum around. I am always mindful in listening to his foot falls when walking and something didn't sound right. I hopped off and sure enough his right hind shoe was gone. I looked down the road and saw it sticking in the dirt about where I had started to slow him up. So I walked him in hand the rest of the way to the barn since Possum is super tender footed and I wanted to save his feet from breaking and cracking. When we got back I called and left a message for our farrier and started to take care of Possum. I told everyone how fast he was and how he could probably go even faster with another horse. Hey, my horse may not be the best jumper or the best looking but he sure can run and I'm gonna brag about that all day hahaha.

This morning my farrier called and said that because of the weather he couldn't ocme to put the show on until Monday. I was totaly bummed since I had planned a good portions of this long weekend to work Possum because it was almost a week before out next show. So I called the barn owner and asked her if I could ride some of her horses to keep myself in shape and she said that that was more than fine. It won't hurt Possum or anything to have the weekend off, but I just wanted to get in some more good rides before the next show since it is my favorite show and it's a grass course which is mine and Possum's favorite. We'll just have to make do with what we have and go from there. The most important thing rightnow is getting and keeping my body in shape and strong.

Well I'm looking out the window at work and it'sraining pretty good now. I am so sick of this weather. The summer seems to be flying by and it's only been rainy. Nick and I are doing well, but who knows what we are technically. He is so confusing sometimes. I know for sure now that I want something serious, but I'm totally chicken to really say anything other than immature hints, I really need to grow up. I think we're hanging out tonight because I have tomorrow off. he has soccer tonight so won't be home till about dark. I'm telling you the kid never stays in one place for more than a second. Also my family iscoming up for the 4th and the week after so I'm excited to hang out with all my cousins and I'm hoping that the rain atleast holds off for Saturday.