Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Skinny of it

So it's the end of the day and I'm still feeling crappy, but I know that in time this too will pass. Last night started out great. We had an awesome time playing tennis and we both got a really good work out. I also want to add that I kicked his ass hahaha. Then we went to his sisters house and played a little volleyball. We went back to his house and chilled and had some drinks. It was at this time that I wanted to talk and I was going to do it before it was bed time and he was falling asleep. I also had liquid courage on my side. I knew right away from his body language this this was going to be tough. To sum it up he said that he's just not feeling it. He said that he was sorry because he also added to the seriousness of the situation and was pursuing me. I asked if it was really because he was so busy right now and and asked if this was the middle of January if this would be different and he shook his head no. He said that he really cares for me and does not know what the future will bring, but that it's just not happening right now. I was also honest and up front with him and told him exactly how I felt. I wanted him to know that before I was gone for good. He actually started crying when I started to cry. I have to think that he cares atleast a little. I told him that I need to space myself from him. No calling or texting and certainly not hanging out, It would be too hard for me. He added that the first time we hung out he warned me to not fall for him (a conceted statement if I ever heard one) I informed him that it was not like I planned this, it just happened. I talked about how well we got along and how much fun we have, he did not argue with this. He said that it really doesn't make sense, but if he has even one doubt he's gonna go with it, and he has a doubt. It sucked and my heart felt like it was bleeding in my chest but atleast I knew where he was and wasn't hanging in limbo like the last 3 weeks. It was at this time that all of the good times we had came flooding into my mind and I just wanted the floor to swallow me whole and disapear forever. We hugged, we cried and I felt like shit. I know there are a lot of reasons that could make me not like Nick, but I just really like him for him. Not for what he does or how he looks (although this doesn't hurt) not for even how he really treats me, although things were better about a month ago. I like Nick because he is real. He's funny and can always make me laugh, I'm just a big pushover when it comes to him, he could tell me to jump off a bridge and I just might do it, as long as he was waiting at the bottom to catch me.

I sat there on the couch and thought of all the laughs I would miss, all the looks and hugs. I thought about how he never shaves his face regularly and it scratches against mine, I didn't care. I thought we were a good team, but you can't make someone feel something that they don't. Yes, I'm quoting the Bonnie Raitt song, it has never seemed so appropriate. Yes, I'm corny enough to listen to it as I'm typing. I don't know what it was, but just something about this silly little boy really struck a chord in me. I want it all and I can't have it. I have a good job, am financially independent, ride horses and love animals. I love to play sports and have my own life. What I really want is to just share it with someone. I told him last night that I want to be with my best friend, that's my wish. I think I'll keep on wishing. I know that we've only been hanging out for about 3 months, but it was one of the happiest times I have had. I just light up around him, it's infectious.

I asked him if I should close the book on all of this. He kinda heisitated and then said it might be best for me if I did, even though no one can predict the future. I let him know that when I close the door on something it usually stays that way. I said I was sorry that this had to happen and he said sorry too. I felt like a balloon tied to a mail box a week after a birthday party, just kind of dragging and moving in the breeze. I wanted to leave but I had a few drinks and driving would be a very bad idea. I was forced to sleep it off for about 2 hrs and then drove home. No radio, no noise, just me and my thoughts. As soon as I got home I went and sat on my roomates bed and cried and talked to her until 5am. I was thoroughly exhausted and needed to lay down. I have to say that she was great with me. She hugged me and supported me and said that I have so much to give to someone, this was just a stepping stone. It really helped. I slept for about 10 minutes and then woke up in a panic, and then another 10 min and the same thing. I tried to stay busy today. I had planned to attend softball practice at 6 and still decided to go. As fate would have it I had to walk across the soccer field to get to the baseball field and Nick just happened to be playing soccer with friends. I wanted to run and just keep running, running out of this town, out of this state and to somewhere else. I held my head high and kept my eyes trained ahead of me and made the long walk across, felt like I was on the Green Mile. Practice was good. I always feel better playing softball, it's my most favorite sport, other then riding ofcourse. It was good to be out in the air and hearing the slap of the leather glove as it caught the ball in just the right spot. The ping of the alluminum bat, I felt like I was back in school. As we packed up I felt a little more confident for the walk back to the car, but still felt odd. Like I was one of those snobby girls in school who don't talk to anyone who's a geek and turn their nose up to them. But I had to, I was about to crumble. One hi or even eye contact would have brought me right back to last night and I had to pick myself up and move on.

Blogging really helps to get the thoughts out of my head and leave them here on the page instead of carrying them around with me. You guys have always been so patient with me over the last year and a half. It must be frustrating to see me stumble and even fall like a child when you know it's coming and just sit back and let it happen. But I'm tough, I can take it. I'm gonna let myself be sad and get over this and then move on to whatever fate will bring me. I'm not going to stop until I'm happy. I'm not settling on anything, I did that too long in my last relationship and I want only the best there is for me. So I'm letting this go, I need to to keep my sanity. I love Nick dearly and hope only the best for him. Being happy is the one thing that we can go and get and what we deserve. I might falter along the way but I have to keep to my guns and do this for myself.

My dogs have been great. They always know when I'm upset. Phin wouldn't leave me alone and every time I cried he was right there to dry my tears. I don't know what I would do without my animals, their everything to me. Whenever I need a bed buddy they're there and they also give great hugs. I'm gonna try and go to bed now, hopefully I can sleep more then 10 min intervals. Tomorrow is a new day with new prospects and adventures. Trying to look at the positive of things. Nite all.

7 comments:

Leah Fry said...

I'm sorry this is happening again. Move on sister, move on.

Anonymous said...

he's just not worthy enough, and he knows it.
chin up young person... all will be ok.
one door closes- to only open another one up!
focus on YOU and everything else will find it's place.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are going thru this it's tough. At least Nick was honest and did not take advantage of the situation (a testament he really does care about you). Therefore he realizes it's not fair to you and knows you do deserve more (head over heals love). It sounds like you ended things as well as an ending can go. I hope he honors your request and is able to leave you alone for awhile time heals but you really need time apart. I am sure he is going to miss you and it will be hard for him too as you two had allot of things in common and enjoyed each others company.

I had a similar situation this crap happens - the heart wants what it wants….but hey when the one meant for you crosses your path all these things in your past will seem like a life time ago. Stay strong and start the healing process. My advice rent some movies you know the type (p.s…I love you) is a great tear-jerker and you got the hot Irish dude! Pile on the bed with the fur-kids a bottle of wine cry it ALL out and then get on with your wonderful life!

Nick could have a change of heart and if he does he better bring it in a big way don't settle for luke-warm feelings from anyone. Relationships are hard and luke-warm will not get you thru tough times as the saying goes love conquers all.

At last
my love has come along
my lonely days over
and life is like a song

At last
the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
the night I looked at you

I found a dream
that I could speak to
A dream that I
can call my own
I found a thrill
to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known

You smile
you smile
Ooh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last

Just another horse crazy/man loving sister!

sidetracked said...

Thanke everyone. I'm feeling OK today. Trying to get my mojo back. I have some great friends to fall back on and some pretty good things going on in my life. My animals are all healthy and happy. I'm losing weight which is always exciting and makes me feel better. I'm staying active and am busy almost every night. I have a great job that suits me well, and I have the Maine Medal Finals in September to look towards. It will be a weekend of friends and horses and good times.

I do miss Nick terribly, but the luke-warm comment really struck me. I am a good person and totally deserving of someone feeling the same for me that I do for them. I'm just gonna keep on and hope for the best. Things could have been worse, when I broke my back last fall I could be paralyzed, I need to thank my lucky stars!

Shadow Rider said...

You know, there is a great book that really helped me, It's called "Are you the One for me?" It's a great guide for figuring out if the relationship is really right. So often we women ignore signs we don't want to see, and settle for less because we want it to happen so badly. This is a way to help keep a reality check on your emotions.

I read this book, and then understood why all my relationships imploded so messily. It also helped me going forward to start to define what I wanted, and not settle for less than I needed out of a relationship.

I also sat down and made a couple of lists. One was deal breakers..traits that were things I couldn't deal with, the other was what I was looking for, and this was harder than it seemed. Sit down and list the traits, in order of importance, of a partner and relationship. Be realistic, Prince Charming would be pretty hard to live with, so think of your own personality as you do the list. Keep the list handy. It can change some as time goes by, but when I look at mine, I ended up pretty much with the guy I wanted, in every important way.

I also had a growing 'Do not Date' list. As I dated, I realized that certain professions tended to certain personalities. I crossed the ones I found unacceptable off my list. Saved me time.

Jennifer said...

" And if one door opens to another door closed I hope you keep on walking till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that that life becomes all that you want it to
your dream stay big, your worries stay small"
-Rascal Flatts

wolfandterriers said...

I've nominated you for a blog award...come and get it! :)