Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Haying, Beer, and Just Friends

So I got a call from Nick yesterday afternoon saying that he would call me later in the afternoon to talk about our status since I was working and he was with a friend (big surprise). My stomach was in knots all day long. I hate these dumb talks and I just knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. I raced out of work and flew home and changed and picked up the dogs and went to the barn. Possum still didn't have his shoe on so I just hung out and talked to my friends and explained the situation that Nick and I were in. All the while I was keeping my eye on the phone dreading the talk. My farrier came and put Posusm's shoe on and I attempted to ride. My body was all over the place. I could feel that I lost some muscle and it just pissed me off. Possum was pretty good for the most part until we ran into a snag. Our outdoor arena is not completely flat so there is a slight downhill side and uphill side. Possum always rushes the lines going downhill. Gravity is not our friend, especiall for an appy that is built downhill as it is. There was one diagonal line in particular that he was really having trouble with.

I tried lots of exercises. Halting in the line, breaking to a trot and trotting the second fence and then trying to get the nice 5 quiet strides. At one point it was just horrible and we totally crashed through the first fence in the line. I was so frustrated and had so many pent up emotions that I just lost it for a minute. I just stood there on Possum with my head down and sobbed. I cried for the lousy jump, I cried for the end of a good relationship with Nick, I cried because I just want to be happy and it always just seems out of reach. I pieced myself back together, wiped my face with the back of my hand and urged Possum into a canter because we were going to end the ride on a good note. After I finally got a decent 5 strides in the line I let him end on that. My nerves were frayed and I was physically exhausted. I got off and grabbed my phone that was sitting in the middle of the arena and walked slowly to the barn. Hardly anyone was there so it was nice to just chill. I stripped Posusm of his tack and let him loose to graze while I sat on the swing and just soaked up my dogs love and attention. I left about 30 min later.

As I was driving home Nick's familiar ring tone filled the car. I took a deep breath and answered it trying to sound chipper which was a miserable attempt. The conversation lasted only about 10 minutes and he kept losing service which was tough. To sum it up, he wants to be friends. He says that he is too busy and has too much going on to have anything serious. He said that he thought that he was ready, but he really isn't right now. It was no suprise to me, I was figuring that this was going to go this way. His voice lacked that joking and flirty tone that it always had. Maybe he was afraid of me or what I was going to say. If he only knew that I just had nothing left that day. I listened to all he had to say with the usual "Ok" and "yup" in the mix. I was honest and told him that I was sad and it sucked but that life would go on. He said that he didn't want me waiting for him or anything. I said don't worry, I won't. I said that maybe it just wasn't meant to be, and he then said that if it was meant to be it will happen. He said that maybe when he is ready and wants someone and I'm single we would get together. I wasn't going to hold my breath. He went on to say how awesome I am, blah blah blah. I could tell that he was just ready to end the conversation. I wasn't sure how I felt. I knew that once we hung up we wouldn't talk again for a long time. I just didn't know if I was ready to let go. Then he hit me with the friends thing, "I still want to hang out with you, your so much fun" yadda yadda. I said that I wouldn't be able to hang out or chat for a while, just needed to do my own thing and keep him out of my head. It just really sucked because it felt like he had all the power. He was the teacher and I was the student getting reprimanded. Then the tears came. First one and then they started to roll down my dirt streaked cheeks. I knew I had to hang up, and soon before I made an even bigger ass of myself. I ended the conversation with a squeaky "have a good night." I closed my phone, lit a cigarette and just sat on the hood of my car and cried. I called the barn owner and let her know what we all thought was going to happen. She was haying with someone else at the farm and they were going to get square bales on the tractor. She told me to come back to the barn and bring some beer and chill and do hay. My first reaction was to not go, all I wanted to do was sit and feel sorry for myself. But then I pulled myself together, put on some comfy clothes and went to the store and got some beer and drove back to the barn.

I am so glad that I did. We loaded and unloaded about 100 square bales sipping beer and talking and joking. It felt good to laugh. My face felt like it had been cemented in a grimace until then. I was surrounded by friends and sweet smelling horses. The sun dipped down and was replaced with a full harvest moon. It was so bright that you didn't even need lights to see. At about 10p I drove home. My dogs were waiting as usual and gave me hugs and kisses. Their always happy to see me no matter how long I'm gone. I took a pair of Nick's socks that he left at the house and brought them down on the porch for him to get whenever he wanted. I then got ready for bed, brushed my teeth and settled into bed with 3 dogs and a cat. It was at that moment that I knew everything was going to be OK. I just have to get through this for something else good to happen. I need to stay open and happy and live my life. Yea it sucks that nothing will happen right now between us, but it's also not something you can force to happen. He's a great guy, he never treated me bad or was an ass for the most part. I love him to pieces and he just needs to get himself straight. Sure I'll miss him like crazy and having him around and hugs and kisses and the way his scruffly face felt against mine. There will be more time for that. Until then I'm focusing on my riding and having fun and not letting any opportunity pass me by.

A day has passed and it's now Tuesday. I'm sitting in my office and it's threatening to rain again. I have a busy afternoon and then going to ride after work. I'm going to choose to look forward to that. Sure I'm thinking about Nick a lot, it's just part of the grieving process, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I have some great friends and a horse and three dogs and a cat that adore me. What else does a girl need?


wolfandterriers said...

Chin up--you've got so much going for you, and if Nick can't or won't see you for the positive, kind person you are, then it's his absolute loss. Period, end of story.

Shadow Rider said...

Actually, you don't need anything else. Take some time to be happy in your own skin, without trying to be with someone else.

I've been reading your blog for a while, and my heart aches for you. You sound like me in the past. I bounced around getting my heart stomped for a long time, until I finally realized I didn't need another person to be happy. True happiness comes from within. If you are a happy person, then you will be happy no matter who you are with or without. Once I let go of 'needing' another person, I just started having fun with friends, and ended up meeting my best friend who is now my husband.
Relax, enjoy life, and stop rushing into relationships. You have so much going for you, a job, good friends, your horse and your critters. So much more than a lot of people have.
I will be thinking good thoughts for you.

Laura said...

sory to hear about things with Nick...no fun at all.

Good for you for picking up and going to do hay and hang out with friends.