Honest Scrap Award

So thanks to wolfandterriers for nominating me for this award. From what I understand I have to tell you ten things about myself that you may not know. This is gonna be hard because I talk about everything on my blog, the good, the bad and the ugly. We'll start with the ugly.

1) I am very insecure in the fact that I feel that I don't belong in a certain "group". I'm not a party girl, I'm not the total nerd, I'm not a preppy, I'm not a full tom boy. However I want so bad to be part of the "cool group". This sounds ridiculous I know. I know it stems from my middle school days when I went from cool to zero seemingly over night and was constantly trying to regain my status even into my high school years. I feel like I'm not pretty enough, or wear the right clothes, or act the right way. I don't have enough friends on Facebook, or enough contacts in my phone. I also joke about how few people call or text me, but really I'm taking note of it all. I seriously am stuck forever in the middle school mentality on this subject. To this day I am scanning people all the time, checking out how they look, act, what they wear and how I can fit in. I think it's also a primal need to fit into a group for survival's sake that has just stuck with me. Wow, this was embarrassing to admit, but hey, I'm sure there's a lot more people out there like me.

2) I am as opposite as hot and cold when it comes to maturity. I am all business at work and when I have to be serious. I can draw upon my vast education to get me through and command respect from a person or group. I know how to talk the talk and walk the walk when it comes to being a professional and relating to people on an information basis. On my down time, I am forever a 12yo. I can be loud, obnoxious, funny, crazy and completely sarcastic. I have been known to tell jokes or make statements that make people cringe and want to walk away from me. I love to have fun in the very sense of the word. I love sports, being in the water, goofing around and just plain having fun. I always joke that as a kid my favorite toy was a box that a new refrigerator came in. It provided many hours of fort fun, and to this day I'm sure if I found a big cardboard box you might see my feet sticking out of it.

3) I am ferociously competitive with all sports and games except with riding horses. For some reason my competitive nature gets checked at the door whenever I sit in the saddle. I havn't quite figured it out, but it's kinda baffling in a good way. I can be a total rotten sport, especially when it comes to card games and board games and that's why I try and avoid them at all costs. Riding horses has just always seemed like my own battle to get better.

4) I have no natural talent for riding. You heard me right. Riding has come with a lot of blood sweat and tears for me. I am a natural athlete. I'm strong, quick and have pretty good control over my body. However riding horses is a whole different ball of wax for me. It took me forever to learn to post as a kid. It took me forever to learn my canter leads and sit in the middle. It took me forever to feel through my body the horses movements and being able to read them before they did something. I can say with confidence now that I feel that I am a great intuitive rider. No, I don't have the long legs or lean torso. I'm on the short side and my muscles mar a pretty image, especially in my arms. But I can stay on. We always joke at the barn that I'm an effectivce rider, but not a pretty one. Some of this is my horse I know. He is not an easy ride and getting others to even hop on him is like pulling teeth, especially if he doesn't like them. I'm constantly working on my riding and trying to get better. This is the biggest reason that I show. It makes me get better and work harder.

5) I came from a very normal family. Beaver Cleaver like family. My parents have never been divorced or seperated. They have a girl and a boy. They have lived in the same house that they built over 30 yrs ago when they got married. They both work good jobs and are the complete epitomy of middle class. What I want to know is why I ended up with so many problems?? I generally use my parents and family as a baseline. I wonder why I couldn't have fallen in love and gotten married earlier, and built a house and done all that "normal" stuff.

6) I secretly want to write a book someday. I feel like I have so much to say and who cares if anyone wants to listen to it. I like writing, it's cathartic and relaxing for me. My book just might be my breakthrough that I need hehehe.

7) I never had any dogs while growing up. My mom did not like dogs and we were allowed one cat at a time. Always a female bitchy cat who didn't like anyone but my mom. I yearned for a dog. The best I could come up with was a hamster, a guinea pig and even a rat. My neighbors dog would come over once in a while through the woods and I didn't want him to leave. I would feed him and make sure he was by my side and then eventually when I wasn't looking he would go back home. Phin, the dog I have now is the first dog I have ever had in my life. Now I have 3 dogs, a cat and a horse. My cat is also very much like a dog and he is a male. I will never get a female cat, ever.

8) I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Seriously, this is not a joke. It's one of the biggest reasons that I havn't gone for my masters yet. I envy the people who know exactly what they want to do when they grow up. My roomate as a child knew that she wanted to be a cop, that's awesome. I feel like I'm testing the waters. I swing back and forth from the professional world and the world of animals. If I was rich I would run a shelter or rescue type ranch and take care of animals and adopt them out or let them live out the rest of their years with me. I love taking care of animals and being around them. But, unfortunately I am not wealthy and do not see that happening so much in the future, so I need something that can support me but also that I love doing. I like my job very much right now, but I don't know if it's something that I want to do forever.

9) I am a very practical person. My ex bought me a diamond necklace once and I had to put on a fake smile and thank him. He still didn't get the hint and that next Christmas he got me another one. For my birthday the next year he bought me a used Pessoa saddle and I cried. I think he knew from there what means the most to me. I'm not into big and fancy things. I like things I can use. I always said that if and when I get engaged, just buy me a horse trailer or a truck instead of a ring hahaha. And I'm still single why??? jk

10) Lastly, I am always trying to capture the years of my youth. I had so much fun as a kid. Summers were filled with sleepovers with my cousins and parties at the lake. Swimming and tubing and catching fire fly's. In the winter we would snowmobile and ski. My cousins came every February vacation to Maine and we would have a blast. We would hide sour cream and onion Pringles and root beer in my room and eat them every night. We would all fall asleep on my bed, 5 kids on a twin size bed is a feat in and of itself. Sports was a big part of my life as well. I had little to worry about and I miss that. Today I feel like I don't have as much fun. Worry about money and adult things like when my next oil change is, or juggling bills, or doing house work and laundry. I'm getting better on this, especially after the whole Nick thing, but it's still hard to really enjoy myself most of the time. I miss having one special person, even if it wasn't that special. It was mine and was real for me in the short time that it lasted. I need patience and faith that I too will get mine.

Well that's about it. Wow, lots of soul bearing and heavy topics. Hope I didn't scare you guys away. As for sending it to 10 other people, most of you have already done this, so I'll let it be an open invitation to whoever wants to take it. That's about it for today. It's hotter than anything here in Maine today and I have no idea what I'm doing after work. I want to go swimming, but I also want to spend time with the dogs. Oh yea, and I need to ride my horse sometime!