Wednesday, May 21, 2008

a little about me

Welcome everyone, or one. I am creating this blog to document my journies of love and horses, and how the two combine. Horses have always been my first love and easy to love for me. The other species known as men have always been elusive to me. I have recently broken up with the "love of my life". I am currently recovering from years of depression and anxiety and am hoping to salvage the relationship at the end of the journey of finding my happiness again. Happiness for me is defined for the love and passion I feel for my animals. I have two wonderful rescue dogs that came from a shelter and the are the light of my life. I also have a rescued black cat that was feral and living on the streets, it took me 4 months to get him to eat out of my hand and then another year in my house for him to become tame. Ah, and the horse. The other half of what this blog is named for. I have a great rescue appaloosa gelding named Possum. His rescue story I will save for later to blog because that is another can of worms entirely. We are currently training for hunters and equitation and he has come a loooooooooong ass way.

It wasn't until I recently broke up with the BF that I realized how truly unhappy I was and depressed and how anxiety was running my life. It was him who threw the mirror in front of my face and really gave me the kick in the ass that I needed to see how truly unhappy I was. We ended the four and a half relationship. I moved back in with my parents 45 minutes away and am currently hoping to move into a new apartment SOON! with a fellow equestrian and friend of mine. The BF and I have been keeping in touch on the phone and physically if you know what I mean and it is just this past weekend that I realized that I just cant be that person. I anxiously await his phone calls or texts. I think about him daily, I wonder what he is doing. He has just recently confessed to me also that he has met a girl with a 3yo child that he has starting to have feelings for. And he also points out that he does not want to be with me and is using my body for his own personal jungle gym... FUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!! OK, calm down, the world is not over, your still alive, count your blessings, horse, 2 dogs, horse friends, loving family, cat, counselor, oh and medications, those lovely little anti anxiety pills that don't seem to kick in during these moments of "Oh God, I think I'm dying." Is this a test I ask myself. My counselor prefers to call these moments practice. Test is two black and white, pass or fail. Using the work practice means that it is ok to have a redo and back up and try again. I love my counselor and have been seeing her for a little over 2 months. She is the one who refocuses me and grounds me until I come in the next appointment all frazzled and a ball of nerves and emotion all wrapped together.

It was during the periods of depression that I started to lose interest in my favorite activity, horses. I wasn't hanging at the barn as much, I wasn't riding as much. I only wanted to sit on the couch, eat and drink wine and feel bad about myself. I am trying to get myelf out in the world again, make friends and be a participating member of society. But with this set back this weekend I feel myself deflating like a balloon that has been tied to a mail box the weekend after a childs birthday party, just hanging down nearly touching the ground with little puffs of wind to make it move. I need a puff of wind. I need some inspiration. I'm 27yrs old, athletic, failr good looking if I do say so myself. I work in the social services field, college education, no kids and am relativle smart. I just happedn to be an emotional wreck with anxiety and deperssion, just what everyone wants to be around. I equate myself sometimes with SNL's Debbie Downer, wah wah wah! I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to love myself, be loved and bounce out of bed every morning thinking it's a great day regardless of the damn weather.

So what am I doing today you ask? Well I'm getting out of work and going to the barn where I will probably roll 2 cigarettes (yes I know disgusting, but it a few a week get me through) and then think about riding my horse who hasn't been touched in I'm embarassed to say almost a full week. I'll visit with my horsey friends and try and suck some positive energy from them. Then drive the 35 minutes back to my parents where the dogs will greet me with hugs and kisses. Maybe eat some dinner, take care of clean clothes and think about the work day tomorrow. Oh and yeah, I have also been accused of over planning everything in my life hehehe. So drop me a note. Tell me about yourself and your struggles with life cause I know I'm not the only one out there. I'll probably write some more tonight since I am just brimming over with things to say. This is my new therapy I have created for myself like it or not. My life is not a secret anymore, I want to get better and enjoy life and my animals and just plain find my happiness again.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey been there too it sucks animals are defiantly good for ones soul. I can tell you're on the upswing give the dude the boot (for good) he clearly doesn't deserve you and get on with it girl better fish in the sea ah to be 27 and athletic again. :)

sidetracked said...

For some reason I can never control how I feel. I have even made a list of pros and cons of this guy. I just plain love him through the thick and thin. It kills me to hear him say that he has lost those feelings and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm taking the time I need right now to clean up my life and be my own person. And damnit I wish I could make him do the same, but instead he starts having feelings for a girl 7 years his junior while still being physical with me, who the hell does that! I need to stay grounded and worry about the most important person right now, ME! Thanks for the encouragement, I need it for sure.

Anonymous said...

WOW boy does this sound familiar we should drink a bottle of wine sometime and lament. I can tell you what got me thru it was exactly what your trying to do (it's hard I know) but make up your mind and do it cut the guy completely loose. I mean COMPLETELY no phone conversations visits nothing (I can almost guarantee you he will try to come crawling back once you stick to your guns) but keep the power just say no he's clearly no good for you. The rest will fall into place it takes time but it will you will heal your spirit. I know it's easy to say this but I really have been there its hard but you have to do it for YOU and you will be glad you did trust me.

KathyP said...

Love your blog! It is wonderfully therapeutic just to put it all down someplace in writing, isn't it? Question, when you roll your own cigs, don't they come out looking like greenbud joints? :-D

sidetracked said...

hahaha Kathyp you are always a riot. Actually the owner of the barn and resident trainer got me hooked on it. I used to smoke regular marlboros but she lived in Europe for a while and when she was in Holland she rolled her own. It just is that much better and also CHEAPER here. I do plan to quit but now just isn't the time, I need some kind of crutch and this is it for now. And yes I ONLY roll tobacco, I don't need any drugs getting me more whacked out than I already am.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl, it's jump-it. I'm glad you have found an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes just writing things down helps us. I know for me it does. Be sure to check your email - I have sent you something. ;)