Thursday, May 22, 2008

I knew I shouldn't have done it.......

I was driving peacefully on my way to work today. No radio, just morning talk. It's not until you break up with someone or have a terrible heart ache that you realize that every fucking song on the radio is about love, either being in it or not having it, blah! I'm sick of it. I think I'll just listen to the silence. So in between talk radio and a commercial one of my all time favorite songs came up, oh Jesus! , from Candle Box called "Far Behind", here are the lyrics:

Now maybe I didnt mean to treat you badBut I did it anywayAnd not maybeSome would say your life was sadBut you lived it anywayAnd now maybeYour friends they stand beside they watch you crumbleAs you falter to the groundAnd now maybeYour friends they stand beside as you were flyingOh you were flying oh so highBut then some day people look at you for what they call their ownThey watch you sufferYeah they hear you calling homeBut then some day we could take our timeTo brush the leaves aside so you can reach usBut you left me far behindNow maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNow maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painNo, no, noCouldnt share the pain they watch you sufferNow maybe I could have made my own mistakesBut I live with what Ive knownYes maybe we might share in something greatBut wont you look at where weve grownWont you look at where weve goneBut then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mindAs you trip the final lineAnd that cold day when you lost controlShame you left my lifeSo soon you should have told meBut you left me far behindNow maybe I didnt meant to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNow maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painNo, no, noNow maybe I didnt mean to treat you oh so badBut I did it anywayNo maybe some would say youre left with what you hadBut you couldnt share the painI said times have changed your friendsThey come and watch you crumble to the groundThey watch you sufferYeah they hold you downHold you downMaybe brother maybe love I didnt mean to treat you badBut you left me far behindLeft me far behindLeft me far behind.

It was one of mine and "G's" favorite songs. So my thumb started to itch and in a moment of impulse I texted him to listen to the station, I knew he would be on his way to work. As soon as I saw that it had sent I got a pit in the middle of my stomach, "You stupid girl" I thought "what are you doing!!!" But it was already done. A minute later the phone rang and it was "G". I let it ring a couple of time and then decided to answer in a nonchalant "Hi" I also popped a piece of gum in my mouth to make it seem even more casual. He said he missed the song and I said it was no big deal, just a good tune. (LIAR!) So we chatted for a few about basically nothing. Told me he went to bed early, got up late blah blah. Said that he went to his friends to have steak. I asked if he worked on the truck and he said no he just watched his brother. Now this is the time in the conversation where I tend to get weak and the inkling of anxiety creeps in. Do I ask who he was with, do I ask who else was there, do I even ask for details at all? I am torn. I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder and they are screaming in my ear. I gave into the devil. So it was just named friend and your bro there? I asked. There was almost a hesitation, something that only I could pick up on in his voice and small pause before he said "yup" God Dammit. I thought to myself now you just opened the flood gates of hurt, doubt and anxiety. Oh God, here comes a wave of anxiety. Just ride it out. So I quickly backed out of the subject and decided to ask the mechanic about the check engine light that keeps coming on in my car. He said that it might be what it needed before or could possibly be new. He suggested that I should have it checked again. "Ok sure." I said popping the gum through my teeth hoping that another wave of weakness wouldn't engulf me. "do you want me to look at it?" he asked. I quickly and rather sharply said "No." there was another hesitation in his voice before he said "you sure?" To make up for the harsh sounding no I said in a softer tone, "yea it's not a big deal right now I'll have it looked at sometime." A buzzer was going off in my head telling me it was time to end the conversation. I quickly said that he must be at his daily coffee stop and probably had to go. he said that he was running late. I said talk to ya later and before he could even say you too or have a nice day I hung up.

I took a deep breath and felt like slapping myself across the face. Now what positive purpose did that solve other then some sick gain on my part to hear his voice again. "Be Stong" I told myself. I'm trying all day not to look at my phone, to not think about the hesitation in his voice when he told me it was just his friend and brother there last night having steak. Stay focused Molly, worry about yourself, immerse yourself in work. I am planning on going to the barn tonight to finally ride my horse. I miss him, I need him I need that feeling of freedom riding on his back as we glide across the arena. OK I feel slightly better. So as I fight back the waves of anxiety and doubt I'm trying to draw upon the positives I have in my life. "I'm smart, I'm pretty and gosh darnit I like myself" that didn't work. Give me some insight people, I need it right now. Signing off until later tonight, have to actually be productive on some level today. Tomorrow we'll talk about how anxiety filled my weekend is going to be with no real definitive plans. Oh and did I tell you there's a horse show on Sunday but I'm not riding cause I can't afford it so just might torture myself and watch anyways. Ok, negative thoughts now, have to think about something else......

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