Thursday, August 14, 2008

Trouble in Paradise

Trying not to make a big deal of this or anything, but "G" has pulled anothe,r shall we say mental breakdown. He informed me 3 nights ago that he was not happy but didn't know why and couldn't be with me. I was literally befuddled. I had done absolutely nothing to promote this. I have been nothing but respectful and loving. I'm not beating myself up this time because I know that it is an issue within himself. I know that we're kind of on different plains in terms of getting our lives together. I took the 5 months to work on my stuff and work with a counselor and he choose to drink, play and fool around with other girls. It just sucks because I opened my heart back up to him and now he's just hurting me again. I kind of feel bad for him because he is so confused and not really happy with his life, but why does he always have to shut me out?

We've had minimal phone conact and no physical contact in the past 3 days. He went from being angry with me to now just being really cold. He's got a lot on his plate as we often joke about, but why push away the person who really cares for you and is your biggest supporter. My wish for hom is to go to a counselor or be able to talk to someone who it not emotionally invested and help him sort out all of these negative feelings and hidden emotions that bubble to surface at random times. I'm still human though and to say that I didn't shed a few tears would be lying. But I'm doing much better than I have in the past. I am fully functioning, I'm working, sleeping and even went to the barn last night and rode Possum and Moonshine which was nice, I also took all 3 dogs and just watched them play a lot.

My theory is that "G" treats a relationship like everything else in his life, a job! He is a work aholic and keep busy constantly which leaves little time for mental contemplation or just plain figuring things out. Well if you treat a relationship like a job ofcourse it's not going to be fun or happy. I'm just really frustrated now, but I have my friends and animals to fall back on. I love him dearly and that's just something that you can't shut off. I know he feels the same but is really confused right now because he doesn't know how to read his emotions or why he does the things he does. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but atleast I have some guidance and some kind of plan of where I want my life to go, the person I want to be and being able realise why I cat and feel the way I do at certain situations. Well that's about all. Just wanted to give you guys an update. Like I said earlier, I rode last night and the weather was perfect. Possum was OK but a little strong. After some serious ring work and jumping we went down the road and galloped. After watching all these olympic events it really motivates me to ride my best. Then I took Moonshine out and we had a good warm-up and we jumped around 3ft which is my goal fo her. She was really good, getting her knees up and really makeing a good effort over them. Probably about the best she's been at that height. I was really happy with her. Have a good day everyone and I'm just trying to stay optimistic about mine and "G's" future and hope that he figures some of his shit out.


Leah Fry said...

Molly, Molly, Molly! We have so much in common. I had one of those once. The reason he acts that way is because that's the way addicts act. Period.

When an addict is not using (drinking or whatever), they are left asking themselves the question: "Is this all there is?" They feel empty and lost. You and nobody else can fill that hole, sweetie. You can stay or leave. Just know that staying is hard. I hope he makes it.

Stay strong!

Laura said...

I'm sorry to hear that things with G have hit another bump - I was so hopeful for you guys this time around.

Hope things turn back around for you...

Heidi said...

Sorry to hear things are rough again! It's so great that you have animals to help distract and love you. Non-horsey people will never understand how wonderful it is to hug a horse around the neck and have them nuzzle you when you are feeling bummed. Glad you are having some positive rides- I'm sure that makes you feel good! Good luck and stay strong :-)