Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Tables Have Turned

Isn't life funny when things seem to change over night, or atleast it seems that way. As I have posted before "G" and I have been doing really really well lately. He is the "G" I know and love. Alcohol has not been an issue in many weeks and he is loving and nice and considerate etc... Me on the other hand is having a hard time adjusting to all this good. Isn't this what I wanted for so long? Why then am I acting like a selfish little brat who wants everything her way. I've been seeing him when it's convenient for me, and if something else comes up I'm quick to shuffle him down the list knowing that he'll be there when I'm done. It's not nice and I need to do something quick!

He actually sat me down the other night and told me how he was feeling and felt like I was shitting on him. Well I was, but I wasn't meaning to. He talked about the future long term and what he wants from me. What he was saying made perfect sense and was something that I also wanted. So why was I acting like this? I finally had the guy I wanted for so long and now I was just taking advantage of him. I thought about it for quite a while yesterday and tried to dissect my feelings. I called him from work and asked him if I could stay the night after my going away party at work, he said yes, but asked if this was what I really wanted or because I was trying to make it up to him, I told him it was what I really wanted.

The party was great last night and we even got to play some Guitar Hero which is always a blast. I finally realized at 7P that my dogs probably had their legs crossed and were waiting for me to come home so they could go pee. I rushed home and immediately let them out to do their thing. I then packed a few things, said bye to my roomate and went to "G's". I had called him earlier and he was with his friend over on the look out up the road just talking. "G" never just talks, what a change! I made sure to be very nice and keep my ears open to what he was saying last night. I have a tendency to hear what he says and then just let it go out the other ear, again not on purpose, but I need to work on that. We played with the dogs and gave them love and then laid in bed and relaxed. We talked a little more about our status and what he wants from this. I told him that I loved him and even if I am mean or rude to him, I don't mean it and sometimes it's good to have a reality check on how I'm acting. He said that he wasn't mad or anything that I've made horse plans all weekend, but just feels like he's getting passed down the to do list. I agreed that things have been hard with my job and just dealing with changes in our relationship. I'm trying so hard not to be the clingy no life person I was before, but also be independent and do things that make me happy. I need to find a balance between the two. He really understood how I was feeling and the struggles I was going through. I apologized for treating him not so nice and that he was right in calling me out on it. We were silent for a minute or so and then he rolled over and gave me a huge hug and just held me and said that he loved me. It felt good, it felt right. We turned out the lights and just let sleep come to us.

I'm at work now on a Thursday with really nothing to do, just waiting for my time to be up on Friday. The interview went really well I think yesterday. I stayed right on track with my grooming speeck, making sure to make eye contact with everyone and asking if anyone had any questions. At the end I asked them how many people they had ocme back for second interviews and they daid "Many". My heart sank as I heard that. I really want this job, and have kinda put all my eggs in one basket. I had a nightmare last night that I didn't get the job and had no money and had to move out of the apartment. I think I'm going to look for more jobs today and send in some resumes.

Tonight I'm going to the barn after work. Havn't decided yet if I'm going to ride Possum or Moonshine. Probably willd ecide when I'm changing at home getting my chaps on. I'm leaning more towards Possum, but we'll see.

I've tried not to think about this much lately, but I am in need of some better finances, bad. I'm thinking of picking up some chores at the barn to help take money off my board. I don't make that much money to begin with, and I'm been straying from my budget putting a blind eye to my checking account. I need to step it up and be responsible and really start to watch my spending. Meaning the most money I spend is on food. I hate cooking and will almost always order a sandwich or something instead of cooking. This needs to stop and next week I'm going grocery shopping and not buying another piece of food for the week.

Well that's about it for today. Nothing really interesting, just kinds talking out loud. Just kinda tired today, not because I didn't get enough sleep, but just stress and money and job ending tomorrow, it really takes a toll. But I have a fun horsey weekend to look forward to so that should be good. Have a great day everyone.

21 comments:

Denise- LessIsMore17 said...

You sound like me it's scary... so does G not read your blog or know about it? My whole family and Matt has my blog address so I feel I have to censor some of the things I say!
Good luck on the job, it wouldn't hurt for you to call up there and tell them exactly what you wrote here, that you REALLY want this job.
Go ride and have fun! OH and you have to check out my blog post today, I hate cooking, but just bought a cooker thing I think I'm going to really like and use.

sidetracked said...

"G" does not read my blog. He never is on a computer and really has no desire to seek this out. I did speak to the people at the job yerterday at how interested I am. It's in their hands now, but I can't wait to hear Tuesday either way.

oregonsunshine said...

Send the job people a thank you note. It'll keep your name at the front of their minds.

Being who you are and being independent in the context of a relationship is a delicate balance. I think that being aware of it is a good start towards finding that balance.

And, just take a random day and be really nice to "G" so he doesn't feel like he's just getting crumbs from you instead of a slice of the pie. Also, if you recognize that you're being a brat, you can do something to correct it. I sometimes do this to CP. I hold on to things and react in a bratty fashion because of something, even if it was a long time ago. Two wrongs don't make a right and making one of those wrongs long after the first is kinda silly and childish. (Me, in that case). I guess you and I both need to not just move forward, but make sure our momentum with our other half is onward and upward as well.

cdncowgirl said...

Just throwing this out there. But the first thing I thought of when you mentioned how you've been treating "G" is that maybe its self defense? Putting up a bit of a wall in case he lets you down?

Melanie said...

Sidetracked-
Sometimes we want something so bad, and for so long, that when it finally bites us in the a*%, we don't even notice.

Continue to take this one day at a time-with your new and improved attitude of course!- and just see what happens.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you to get that new job that you want! BTW...are you a BSW or an MSW?? Doesn't matter to me, I am just curious! :)

I am so sick of being in school!!! I really just want to go back to having two incomes and a career again.

sidetracked said...

Thanks everyone for the food for thought. It is quite helpful to come back and read the comments after the fact.

Melanie,

I actually only have a bachelors degree in psychology. I have my social work license but still need 2 years of clinical supervision. I have my certified alcohol and drug counselors license, but still need to be supervised by a LADC. It makes things kinda tough.

I have thought about going back for my masters, but I really don't have that drive yet and it would take a lot of time out of my horse time which I am not willing to give up yet. SOmeday I know I'll go back to school, just not right now.

Melanie said...

Sidetracked-
Hey, it's not "just" a bachelors in psych...you worked hard for that degree!!! I have a minor in psych, because that is what I was going to get my degree in, until I realized that for what I want to do (hospital social work), I really need to have a degree in SW.

Thanks for sharing, and have a good Friday!

Stephanie said...

Hi there just dropping you a line. Feeling better today so I am cursing around on people's blogs.

If you jump on Moonshine post some photo's we haven't seen her for awhile!

Saddle Mountain Rider said...

Sounds like you and G are gaining some positive ground. He must be serious about making your relationship work. Not all guys will give up their alcohol like that.

Mrs Mom said...

Thinking of you ST- and hoping for the best in the job situation.

Looking forward to seeing some news here!!

Hati Aki Uki said...

Hey how are you doing?

20 meter circle of life said...

Hoping all is well, give us an update when you can

cdncowgirl said...

Hey Sidetracked... just stopping in to see if you've maybe chatted some in your comments.
Hope things are okay.

Anonymous said...

Probably not my place to say- but I heard that Sidetracked had an accident racing her horse on a trail ride last Sunday. She has broken her back and will be on bed rest for some time.
As far as I know her horse and the others that were involved are "ok" a little banged up- but "ok" Sidetracked got the worst injury.
That's all the information I have at this point that I'm willing to put forward - as always in the horse industry there's a long story behind it- an unfortunate turn of events that have forever changed some lives.
Hope everyone recovers 100% ASAP.

Serena said...

Oh my GOD!!
Good thoughts to you, Sidetracked!! I'm SO sorry to hear this!

Melanie said...

OMG!!!!!
How awful! My thoughts, prayers, and all of the positive energy I can think of, are being sent your way!

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Molly you get jingles from me! And {{HUGS}} I know how you feel. Please get better fast. Those bed rest days are a killer I know! My mind just tanked during those days and I am still feeling rather low. You should be up an moving by Monday so take it easy ok? Don't be a freak like me and start exercising (or riding) too soon.

I know sounds silly huh? Who in their right mind would start exercising a week and half after breaking their back in a car accident? (Sheepishly lefts hand up...) But we all make our mistakes, at least I wasn't "sneaking on my horse" too soon.

Sorry about the delete I am double my efforts to proof my comments for grammar and spelling...

20 meter circle of life said...

Take care sweetie sending hugs and healing from Oregon!!!

cdncowgirl said...

Jingles/thoughts/prayers etc from waaaay up north.
Hope you are up and around soon. Take care of yourself so you can make a FULL recovery!

Laura said...

Oh noooo!! So sorry to hear that you were injured!

I'm late to the comments on this one.

I really hope your injury isn't too serious and you can start moving around soon.

{{ Hugs }} from me too!