The Tables Have Turned

Isn't life funny when things seem to change over night, or atleast it seems that way. As I have posted before "G" and I have been doing really really well lately. He is the "G" I know and love. Alcohol has not been an issue in many weeks and he is loving and nice and considerate etc... Me on the other hand is having a hard time adjusting to all this good. Isn't this what I wanted for so long? Why then am I acting like a selfish little brat who wants everything her way. I've been seeing him when it's convenient for me, and if something else comes up I'm quick to shuffle him down the list knowing that he'll be there when I'm done. It's not nice and I need to do something quick!

He actually sat me down the other night and told me how he was feeling and felt like I was shitting on him. Well I was, but I wasn't meaning to. He talked about the future long term and what he wants from me. What he was saying made perfect sense and was something that I also wanted. So why was I acting like this? I finally had the guy I wanted for so long and now I was just taking advantage of him. I thought about it for quite a while yesterday and tried to dissect my feelings. I called him from work and asked him if I could stay the night after my going away party at work, he said yes, but asked if this was what I really wanted or because I was trying to make it up to him, I told him it was what I really wanted.

The party was great last night and we even got to play some Guitar Hero which is always a blast. I finally realized at 7P that my dogs probably had their legs crossed and were waiting for me to come home so they could go pee. I rushed home and immediately let them out to do their thing. I then packed a few things, said bye to my roomate and went to "G's". I had called him earlier and he was with his friend over on the look out up the road just talking. "G" never just talks, what a change! I made sure to be very nice and keep my ears open to what he was saying last night. I have a tendency to hear what he says and then just let it go out the other ear, again not on purpose, but I need to work on that. We played with the dogs and gave them love and then laid in bed and relaxed. We talked a little more about our status and what he wants from this. I told him that I loved him and even if I am mean or rude to him, I don't mean it and sometimes it's good to have a reality check on how I'm acting. He said that he wasn't mad or anything that I've made horse plans all weekend, but just feels like he's getting passed down the to do list. I agreed that things have been hard with my job and just dealing with changes in our relationship. I'm trying so hard not to be the clingy no life person I was before, but also be independent and do things that make me happy. I need to find a balance between the two. He really understood how I was feeling and the struggles I was going through. I apologized for treating him not so nice and that he was right in calling me out on it. We were silent for a minute or so and then he rolled over and gave me a huge hug and just held me and said that he loved me. It felt good, it felt right. We turned out the lights and just let sleep come to us.

I'm at work now on a Thursday with really nothing to do, just waiting for my time to be up on Friday. The interview went really well I think yesterday. I stayed right on track with my grooming speeck, making sure to make eye contact with everyone and asking if anyone had any questions. At the end I asked them how many people they had ocme back for second interviews and they daid "Many". My heart sank as I heard that. I really want this job, and have kinda put all my eggs in one basket. I had a nightmare last night that I didn't get the job and had no money and had to move out of the apartment. I think I'm going to look for more jobs today and send in some resumes.

Tonight I'm going to the barn after work. Havn't decided yet if I'm going to ride Possum or Moonshine. Probably willd ecide when I'm changing at home getting my chaps on. I'm leaning more towards Possum, but we'll see.

I've tried not to think about this much lately, but I am in need of some better finances, bad. I'm thinking of picking up some chores at the barn to help take money off my board. I don't make that much money to begin with, and I'm been straying from my budget putting a blind eye to my checking account. I need to step it up and be responsible and really start to watch my spending. Meaning the most money I spend is on food. I hate cooking and will almost always order a sandwich or something instead of cooking. This needs to stop and next week I'm going grocery shopping and not buying another piece of food for the week.

Well that's about it for today. Nothing really interesting, just kinds talking out loud. Just kinda tired today, not because I didn't get enough sleep, but just stress and money and job ending tomorrow, it really takes a toll. But I have a fun horsey weekend to look forward to so that should be good. Have a great day everyone.