Tuesday, March 31, 2009

what makes me me??

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about my life and why the hell I am in such a rush to go basically nowhere. I want someone so bad in my life that I am basically arm wrestling the cosmos and trying to pull someone down for me. This is not the right way to find a guy. I have far more work to do in my life to feel confortable in myself before I really jump into something with a guy. Sure I have feelings for guys, specifically Greg. But unfortunately, or as I'm choosing to look at it now; fortunately we are in similiar boats. I was cruising friends blogs this morning and my good friend over at wonderful world of weiners had a great post on how much she loves and adores her husband. I just think that is so great and I really long for that feeling in my life. I just need to be OK with the fact that this is not the right time for that. All things come to those who are patient and deserving. Being pushy, annoying and down right bitchy because I don't get my way is going to only spell disaster in the end.

Last night I was thinking of all the things I do have in my life. I have three great and loving dogs that just adore me. I have a wonderful horse whom I can do basically anything with. I have a great place to live that I like very much. I have a good job that is fulfilling and is a service to the local community. I have my roomate as a good friend and support for me. She always lends an ear when I need it. I have all my great horse friends who really look up to me and my knowledge of horses. There is nothing like good friends at a barn to make someone feel good. I am financially stable. I'm definately not wealthy or even comfortable, but I make things do month to month. I have a lot going on in my life which are all positives.

I called Greg last night (again) and he was kinda distant and not talkative at all. I knew it had to do with how I have been acting lately. I've been pushy and annoying and over analyzing things to death in terms of our non-relationship. This in turn puts added pressure on him which he does not need in his life right now and annoys him and makes him want to withdraw from me. I felt terrible, like I have been pushing my friend away because he doesn't want to deal with my drama. Since when did I become such a drama queen? I need to believe in the confidence that is in myself and go about my life. I think I'm so used to molding my life around someone else that I don't know what to do on my own. Again, that need to nurture and take care of someone has morphed into a suffocating bitchy monster. I know what I need to do but I hate it. I need to give Greg his space. If things are meant to happen it will no matter how many or few texts or phone calls I throw at him. I care for him very much and see a lot of great qualities in him that is very hard to not be attracted to. But the last thing he needs is some clingy girl putting added stress on him. And to be honest I need to stop stressing myself out with thinking of him so much. I DON'T NEED A GUY RIGHT NOW!!! I think I need to make up stickers and stick them all over the place where I will see them on a regular basis. I need to be happy with myself. Summer is coming, and I'm losing weight and working out. I want to focus on having fun and not dissecting it until it becomes a job. I have horse shows to look forward to and long trail rides and swimming with my horse at the beach. These are all things that I enjoy and like doing. Stick to what you know Molly, let go of all the crap your holding onto and start living your life. It's a beautiful day, I got plenty of sleep last night and I'm going riding after work tonight. What else is better in life than that?


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

This is a great post. I hop eyou really read it when you need a lift. You are so worth being loved the RIGHT WAY and not just taking what comes.

If Greg is the one, it will all work out. If not, your right guy will appear in do time. Wait patiently (even when it's hard) cuz when it's right, it's so very worth it.

Glad you liked today's post. I like to remind myself how damn lucky I am!!

Wanna come over some night this week? or come hang out Friday night? John is working and it will be just me!


Mickey said...

Loved your post today. I can see it in your writing.... you are getting stronger and really growing! You really do deserve to have someone feel as wild about you, as you do about them.
Wait for it. There's nothing better than being loved and cherished for who you are, flaws and all. :o)
Enjoy your horsey time. You lead a very full and blessed life. When you find the right person, it will just "work". It won't be hard to make it work. Honest!! I promise!!

Leah Fry said...

I, for one, have been in the same space you are. Some days are better than others. Trying to pull someone down from the cosmos is a good way to put it, and you're right: it doesn't work. Trying to force things to happen is never a good idea. Keep plugging along. Expect that some days won't be as easy as others. You are learning and growing.

wolfandterriers said...

I think you hit the nail on the head--you don't need someone else right now and you're staying positive! I just stumbled across your blog and am really inspired about how honest you are--we all need that ability to look at ourselves in such a good light.

Stephanie said...

You are doing fine - and kudos to you for recognizing your behavior and it's consequences - do you know how many people can't do that simple thing? Millions and Millions and Millions.

You sound like you're handling it really well! And I am glad to hear that you are working out! That ALWAYS makes me feel better about myself.