When making the right decision still feels crappy...

Ok, I'm gonna sabotage this post fo a little bit to talk about guy stuff. I know this is not unuaual for me, but I need to get this off my chest. Nothing really bad has happened at all, just need to vent. SO Nick and I have been hanging out a lot lately. We get along great and have so much fun and really seem to click. It has gotten to the point that we act like we're dating when in actuality we are not. The other night I wanted to talk to him about this. I told him how much I liked him and that I am really starting to like him and do not want to put myself in a situation to be hurt again. He was really good about it and said that he did not want to hurt me and he was just kinda confused. I said that was fine, but my feelings are becoming clear and strong and I need to do something about it. It was a very civil and adult conversation and we were both definately speaking from the heart. It was hard for me but I made the decision to back off some. To not hang out for a while and not talk as much because it was just getting too hard for me. This is a decision that sucks for me, but I figured it could possibly save me some heart ache worse in the future. He was kinda sad and said that he didn't want me to do that, but he understood what I had to do for myself. He said that he really liked me as well and I was great and things with us are great but he just wasn't sure about anything serious. I was grateful for his honesty and understood where he was coming from. But I countered with the fact that this right now is not where I want to be. I said I wasn't putting any pressure on him or anything, but that I need to do this for myself. I don't want to be someone's Fuck buddy and I also don't want to be in a one sided relationship (pat on the back for me). It pretty much sucked for the both of us.

Yesterday I called his good friend and talked to him about it because as you all know I need to talk about it to process it. He told me to stick to my guns and that Nick may need a little kick in the ass to miss me and appreciate me. He was really supportive and said that whetever happened Nick cared very much about being good friends. Nick even said the other night that I was his best female friend and almost cried when I told him that I needed to disappear for a while. It really pulled at my heart strings. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little down last night and today I'm a little sad. I know I did the right thing in sticking up fo myself, but I can't help but feel that I deserve someone that is head over heels for me and wants to be with me no matter what. I know I've seen way too many Cinderella and Romeo and Julet based movies lately. I love the kid to pieces and who knows if it would even work out, but I'm not even really getting the chance to know.

I'm really OK with it, I just miss him is all. I miss the late night talks into the morning. The nights of sitting on the couch talking non-stop with the TV on basically for background light. I miss his hugs and the way he holds my face in his hands. And I miss the way that I'll try and sneak a look at him and find that he's already looking at me. I know I'm being overly dramatic, but if I don't get it out here it stays in my head bouncing back and forth. So for right now I'm focusing on work, going to the barn and hanging out with other friends.

As for the horse front, Possum is doing splendidly. Monday we had a really good training ride in the arena. We worked on him being slow and carrying himself. I was also trying to work on myself. Sitting up tall and straight. Contact with calf and thigh and a lowered heel. Hands up and even with my eyes trained straight ahead. It went fairly decent. Tuesday I did the same and he was even bette and we put some of the jumps up and he stayed pretty quiet for the most part, we even got some compliments so that gives me a little hope for our chances at the show in a few weeks. Last night we went for a trail ride alone. Because I was kinda feeling down it was perfect. The temp was perfect and we just rode along for over an hr. Possum got a chance to gallop and it was great. I crouched low to his neck and centered over his back and he let it fly. There si still nothign like the feeling of full out galloping. It's been a good week at the barn so far. Tonight I was tossing around the idea of riding Aragon, but I'm not really sure if I have the mental capacity of if I want to maybe bomb around on Possum for aneasy ride since we'll have some good work-outs this weekend. Still deciding on that one.

At lunch today I went and laid out on the roof to get some sun for about an hr, that always makes me feel better. I woke up this morning to diarrhea all over my floor in the bedroom. Abby had apparantly been sick all night and was still sick this morning and early afternoon so I've been cleaning up shit for most of the day. She and the other two are shut into the kitchen where lineoleum is much easier to clean up then carpet.. She's drinking just fine so I'm not worried about dehydration yet. I hope she just had an upset stomach and is on the mend now..

Well that's about it. Things are otherwise great. I just miss my Nick and I know he's missing me too. He needs time to actually think about what he wants. Because he is so laid back and go with the flow he does little self thinking so this may be new territory for him. Keep your fingers crossed, we'll see.................