Wednesday, February 18, 2009

On the guy side of things

Well I'm having a really hard time lately and I'm looking for some support from my blogger friends. I just found out that "G" is officially fucking someone and is very likely in a new relationship. I don't know why, but this bothers me terribly and sent me into a full fit of tears and "why me's" I know this should not bother me, but it really does. I know he and I need to move on, but damnit I feel jipped. He is finally sober and going to counseling and doing all of these healthy things that I have tried to get him to do for years to no avail and now he's all better and gets to share the benefits with some other chick. I am just so mad and hurt and confused. My roomie and Greg have been awesome in trying to lift my spirits and keep me going. But I still can't help but have a pitty party on the fact that no one is going to ever like me or want to be with me. I think I seriously need to talk with Pony Girl and get some wisdom from her. She is super good looking, independent and SINGLE!

I try and look at all the positives in my life like the fact that my animals are everything to me. I live with a great friend. I am great friends with Greg and who knows what may happen in the future between us. I have a good job. I'm not too bad financially meaning in debt. But man this is just so hard. I have made the decision that when I get my insurance card that I'm going to go back to counseling because I totally feel myself back sliding into another depression. I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of bed and motivate myself. I have been foricing myself to go to the barn and ride like tonight because I know that always makes me feel better.

Maybe I'm jealous of the fact that he is happy and I'm not. Or maybe it's the fact that I can never have him again, even in the future because in my mind he is damaged goods. I need to pick myself up and move on, so much easier said than done. I'm trying to heal and move on from 5 years with someone. But I know this hasbeen coming for a while and I have been trying to ignore it. I've been using food and gainina weight which is a tell tale sign of depression. I've been nasty and picking fights with people, even Greg. Why is it that we want to hurt the people who are closest to us when we're hurting? I need to fall back on my friends and family again to help me out of this slump. I need to know that life will go on. I need to realize in myself that I am not trash or ugly or fat and I will find someone when I least expect it.

I'm finding solace in my horse and dogs right now. Possum has been awesome lately and he definately knows me the best. He has been there the longest of the males in my life besides my dad. He will always love me no matter what. The dogs have also been super clingy knowing that their mom is sad and down. I have spring to look forward to and if I can afford it I really want to show and be with my barn friends. I need to slow everything down right now and not go a million miles an hour spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I need to stop being such a tough girl and accept the help and support from my friends because they really care about me. I guess I scared my roomie yesterday when I called her aftering finding out about "G" and his sexual activities and she was so concerned that she called Greg and they talked about me for 45 minutes.

I guess It's also a case of the pot calling the kettle black. But I've had control of what I do and I don't have control over "G". Such a very unhealthy thing it is to want to control someone. SO anyways I rode tonight and had a good time and visited with friends. The dogs were also happy to run around and play with their doggie friends. I'm home now and just made myself some spaghetti and have vowed not to eat too much. My roomie should be home soon and greg will be calling me when his son goes to bed. I need to get my head out of my ass and see what I do have instead of what I don't. Well thanks for reading anyways, it just helps me to write about this, it's a little therapeutic. But please if you feel the inclination to comment I couls use it, even if it's positive criticism, or just a hang in there it is well appreciated.

I may check back in later tonight depending on how I feel. Thanks everyone.


Mrs Mom said...

Cowgirl Up Sidetracked. ;) You are young, strong, healthy, and have a whole lot of living left to do.

Ride on.

Leah Fry said...

You know I can't be too hard on you because I have been there, done that, and it sucks. On the bright side for YOU, I promise you he is not all better and fixed; he IS still damaged goods, make no mistake. He hasn't been sober for very long at all, and truth be told, has no business involving himself with another person because he hasn't had time to fix himself or work a program. You know how likely it is he will relapse. Sweetie, he just found someone else to enable him. It's perfectly natural for you to feel grief and loss. You invested a lot of time, love and energy into a person who was not capable of sustaining the normal, healthy relationship you long for.

You are young and beautiful. Don't try to rush things and don't ever settle for less than head-over-heels, mutual adoration. You'll know it when you feel it, because it will feel like the most natural thing in the world. And there will be do doubt in your mind that he feels exactly the same way about you.

Hang in there!!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Time to come visit me. You can vent and I'll tell you how fabulous you are.

Call me. I'm home this weekend.


Laura said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with things lately...

I have to agree with Leah Fry - I would guess that G isn't fixed... I would imagine that any kind of rehab could take years of ups and downs - I don't know anything about that stuff though.

You are smart, funny, cute and young - I'm sure you will find someone that appreciates all of your wonderful characteristics and gives you 100% of what you deserve. I'm not just bs'ing you here - you (and all of us) deserve a partner that treats us like we are the most special thing in the world. I kind of feel (from what you've told us in the blog) that G didn't do that much at all.

I wish the situation with Greg was better for you too - he sounds like a better guy all around. Maybe with time he will be ready for a relationship again.

Hang in there girl! Vent with your friends, ride that pony and take care of yourself!

Mickey said...

It's natural to miss something when it's gone. Especially when it appears some one else now has that "something". But really, don't just remember the few positive's in the relationship. It's easy to forget the bad and remember only the good, or to think that someone suddenly has it all together. I assure you, as did others, that G is no where near "fixed" at this point. Start thanking your lucky stars that you were wise enough to move on. Doesn't mean he's not a valuable human, but he certainly is not your knight in shining armor. Try to be happy that you have moved on and are in a better place now. Life is good. You have health. You weren't paralyzed in your riding accident. It's almost spring. You have wonderful riding friends/roomie and a great new guy friend. You are still so young. There is lots of life yet to be lived.
It's okay to feel a little down. This weather/cold does that to a lot of us. Just remind yourself to take each day at a time. Look for ways that you can brighten someone else's day, and take your eyes off of self. It sounds silly, but it really works. Send your parents a card in the mail one day. Leave your roomie's favorite candybar on the kitchen counter with a note, thanking her for being such a great friend another day. Buy a fun bouncy ball for Gregg's son and put it wrapped on their porch another day. Just little things that don't really cost anything, that help you look outside yourself and your problems to someone else. That always makes me feel better when I am down.
I've been listening to online sermons from Chip is the speaker. I just heard him on the radio a few weeks ago. This week has been on why we lash out most to those we love the most. Very good. Check it out and listen online if you get a chance. Very eye opening, and super encouraging. You can get the podcasts as well.
Hang in there. You are blessed. Tell yourself that every single morning. Treat yourself like the princess that you are. Paint your toes. Go for a brisk walk. Watch your food intake. Call an old friend. Just get out and "do", and don't sit around and think too much. Soon the pain of G moving on will lessen, and you'll be so glad that you're not with him. REally. I promise! :O)

Serena said...

You have to examine his motives too. You know darn good and well he WANTED you to find out that's he's with someone, and he WANTED you to find out he's "happy" because he knows it will bother you to know that.
So what should you do? Take charge! Start working out, get a tan, get into counseling, ride your horses, play with your dogs, and have fun with your (normal) life! Make HIM miss YOU, not the other way around.

Anonymous said...

On the same note as Serena, my mom always says, "The best revenge is living well". Take care of yourself, feel good, and find your happy.

Heidi said...

I know it's hard to start, but join a gym or start a walking/running schedule. Exercise gives you endorphins and makes you feel good! You have been down lately about yourself, so even if you start doing small things to increase your activity level, you will feel so much better! You can do it!!

Melanie said... know what??? YOU are better than "G," and I can guarantee you that he is NOT better. That poor girl that he is with might not even know that he is an alcoholic. I really like what Leah has to say, and I second it!!! :)

Still, I am sorry that it hurts so bad. Try to focus on the positive things in your life, and get out and start exercising. However, as someone who has seen a counselor off and on for years, by all means go back to yours if you need help getting through this.

You CAN do this!!! We will do our best to back you up!! :0

Stephanie said...

Hey there,

Sorry I am late to the game, I swear sometime blogger doesn't show me correctly when someone has updated their blog - I never saw an update from you so decided to stop anyway and behold! I missed one! Dang it.

Well you are getting some great advice here - don't know what else I can add, but I can totally see why you were upset. You wanted all that stuff from him so bad and he never gave it to you. But yes he mostly likely isn't all better - but also if he is, maybe it took losing you to do it.

I don't know why this is but I have seen couples that truly love each other and one reason or another they just can't make it work. They are better people when they are apart - together not so great. Some friends of ours just broke up for this reason and it was heart breaking to watch because the love was there - it just wasn't enough. And in the end they did it for each other which only made it more sad.

Maybe that's the way it is with "G"? Maybe you are both doing each other a sad favor by staying apart?

I know that may not sound immediately helpful but maybe in the long run it will help to know that.

You are smart and pretty you will find someone in your life - I know it. Just keep on showing and keep on living to best of you abilities. Keep us updated, and let me know whole things are going with your back...