Just a Quick Note

Don't have much time but wanted to check in and let everyone know that I had a grrrreat weekend. I am officially all moved into the funeral home apartment. It was exhausting and rainy but I'm comfortable and semi-unpacked. My bedroom set is being delivered Wednesday which I am so excited about. My room will be complete then and all my own. The dogs have also settled in well and are currently asleep on the king size bed with the down comforter in my room with the fan on. They have the life, I could walk a day in their paws for sure and be well rested and happy.

Friday night "G" asked if I wanted to go to his mothers for his brothers birthday party/dinner. I agreed and it ended up bbeing reall well despite breaking our no talking rule fo a week. It was good to see everyone and talk and laugh. "G" was all smiles and giving me those little glances. I ended up leaving after midnight. "G" and I exchanged a nice hug and just held onto each other for a few minutes. He informed me that he missed me and was glad that I stopped by. He asked if he could call me tomorrow after I move, I said sure.

So Saturday I got up super early to finish packing and then went to a small local game show near my town to watch some riders at out barn let loose and have some fun. I had a blast. I even ended up riding two horses and got 1st in adult barrels and DQ'd from the keyhole, neither of these horses had done this before so it was fun. The in the afternoon and early evening moved all of my stuff in one van and car load. Got pizza afterwards and then my roomate had to take a nap cause she hd to work that night. "G" called and asked if I wanted to come hang out at the garage he was welding at. I agreed and took the dogs and hung out. I had 2 beers and so didn;'t he and then he stopped drinking. We hung out and talked. After he was done I asked if he wanted to see the new place and he agreed. He came over and we talked some more. He told me that he's really sure he wants to be with me. That he has been confused lately and his drinking has been out of control. He said that this convenient store girl is just a friend to him and he has no feelings toward sher despite trying to earlier. We both agreed to take it slow with our main priorities being ourselves. He ended up staying over because we both fell asleep. It was nice to be held again by the good "G". It was comfortable and I even get the little butterflies when I see him now. We got up Sunday and got a quick breakfast and went our seperate ways.

The barn part was a BLAST!! Despite the rain we had a lot of fun. Lots of people, foood and games. Possum was great and it was fun to ride my own horse. When I get pics from people I'll let you know more.

Went home fairly early last night and veggged. Took a shower and laid in bed and "G" came over and we watched a move and again fell asleep. This time I was totally dead to the world. He got up early to go home and shower and go to work. I got ready and took the dogs out and am working half a day today cause I have unpacking still to do, need an oil change and have to go back to my parents house to get my cat.

I'm really happy right now and "G" has already texted me to have a good day and is being really sweet. Only time will tell now but I am hopeful that he will do thw work with himself. Have a great day everyone. Have lots to do before I leave.

The pic above is Possum and I sharing a quick kiss. My friend snuck up on us to take the picture.

This and That

I first have to start out by saying that I am feeling a little anxious because my friend called me this morning, the one I am moving in with. She is a cop and got a call from one of "G's" friends last night who she had been "involved" with about a month ago. He called her obviously drunk at 12:40P and asked why she hadn't called him blah blah blah. He said he was at his house in the garage and "G" was also there. My friend said that she could obviously tell that the guy was drunk on the phone. She said that after she hung up with him "G" texted her and said that he hoped she didn't mind but he gave his friend her number. The anxious part for me is that what is "G" doing up at 12:40P when he has to work at 7AM the next day and was he as drunk as his friend? My first reaction was to immediately call him and see what was up. But I made my rational brain kick in. He is a big boy, he's an adult and I am not his mother. We have agreed to not speak or see each other for 1 week and I need to honor that. Plus, if things are ever going to work with us and for himself he needs to be the one to do it and not because I have nagged him about it. I'm trying to sit back and relax and focus on myself this morning and hope that he made some good decisions last night, but I'm refusing to become too emotinally invested just to be hurt or let down again. Bottom line is I care for him very much and really love him when he's straight. But I also need to care for myself and not put myself in harms way. I had to figure all my shit out on my own and by myself and take responsibility and he needs to as well regardless of where I stand. Phew! I feel better now just getting that out.

One of the TB mares at the barn foaled early yesterday morning. A beautiful little bay filly was the result. She is a perch/TB cross and going to be really nice I can tell. That's all of the babies for the year and they have their own paddock outside the indoor that I call the nursery where they can eat grass and run around and snooze in the sun.

I went through all of my stuff last night throwing out anything that was trash or I didn't need. I think I'm ready to move. I have to pack the clothes that I have in my bedroom and the other little things but other than that it shouldn't take too long. There is a little local game show that some of the kids at the barn are going to which is only a few minutes from my parents house onSaturday and I hope to go and watch a little before my dad gets out of work at noon with a truck to help haul stuff over to the apartment. I'm really excited about having my own place which is close to work and living with my friend and being independent and being able to take the dogs to the barn every day. They will definately appreciate it!

Stephanie- The picture at the top is for you. This was our 4'6" jump at the Christmas party this past December. It was like 20 degrees out and almost dark. I was very proud of my meat market horse. And FYI he ALWAYS has his ears back when jumping. He is very concentrated on what he is doing and intense like he is attacking the jumps. Also note that I do not have a helmet on. I had every intention of wearing one and even brought it down and totally forgot to put it on cause I was so nerved up. My horse is a 15.3H rescue appy that was green broke when I got him at 8yrs old who had been starved and abused with many mental issues. This is us almost 5 years later and I'm so proud of all the progress that he has made. He would really do anything that I ask him to.

Day #2

It's now day number 2 of no contact with "G" and I'm doing OK. I had a few times when I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him something and had to resist. My hope is that he is really thinking things through and taking this time for himself. I have counseling today and am glad to tell her about everything going on.

I picked up the keys to the apartment last night and dropped off a check!!! I had a no show this morning on a visit so stopped by the funeral home to look at it again and make mental notes of where things should go. I'm so excited. The place really feels like home if that makes any sense. It's big and airy and bright. We basically have the whole mansion to ourselves except for the few hours a month when there is a funeral and then we hide and be quiet like church mice until their done. My friend is also excited. I just can't wait the 2 weeks until my bedroom set comes in. I've never had a nice bed and matching furniture. I had a dream last night because I washed all my new sheets and stuff that I was making my new bed and it was so comfy and cozy. My goal is to make my bedroom my little oasis. A place where I can relax and enjoy and be comfortable with my dogs and cat.

It's Thursday, one more day till the weekend. I stopped by the barn last night for a little bit and we were planning some of the games for this Sunday. We really wanted to find a way to joust without getting hurt. We came up with the idea of gettingand using those swimming noodles, and cutting them down a little and wrapping duct tape around the end for a handle. But the best part is that we're going to be wearing white T-Shirts and dip the end of the noodle in paint and see who gets hit by the mark on the shirt. I am so excited, this party is going to be so much fun. We're also having the crowd favorite high jump competition which Possum and I won last winter at 4'6". He cleared it but I was too chicken to try 4'9". We're also running barrels, poles, egg and spoon and a bunch of other things. The horses are going to have so much fun. I just hope the weather holds out for us and we can do it outside instead of in the indoor.

So for the weekend it's going to be very busy. Friday night packing and sorting through my stuff. Saturday packing and then in the afternoon bringing things to the new apartment. Sunday wake up early and do stalla and then have the party. Monday I have to work half a day in the morning and then I get out at noon and bring the rest of my stuff to the apartment and unpack and sort through. And then Tuesday hopefully get a call from "G"and see how he is doing. I am cautiously optimistic that he was really serious about everything he told me the other night. Fingers crosses. SO have a great day everyone. I'm looking forward to counseling and getting my thoughts all sorted out for the week. Hopefully someone will take pictures from the barn party so I can post them next week. It's gonna be a blast!

too busy!

Sorry everyone for missing the post the past few days. I've been crazy busy with work and life in general. The weekend was not that great at all. I'll srare all of the gory details but the saga with "G" continued from a drunken phone call from him Sat night saying that he loves me and wantes to spend the rest of his life with me and then he went and spent Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday with the convenient store girl with the 3yo kid. However we did have a LOOOOOng talk last night. He said (again) that it is over with convenient store girl and he doesn't havew feelings for her like he does me. He said that he is genuinely confused with things going on in his life but knows that he really misses me and wants to try again and is afraid that things will end up back at the same place. That is one statement that I can relate to. The end of our relationship is someplace that I never want to go again. We both were miserable people and conbine the two and it was not good at all. He cried a lot on the phone last night. I told him that ofcourse I was skeptical cause he has said he was done with this girl before, but time will tell. We have agreed to not talk or see each other for a solid week so he can get his shit together and I can do mine. Neither one of us want to jump into anything, just see what happens, and in a week who knows things may change for him. We also talked exclusively about his alcohol use and abuse and how that can make his emotions go crazy. It felt like it was a productive converasation and we both felt better about talking the truth and the bottom line.

Now to move onto more exciting things. WE GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! We will be officially moving in this weekend. My friend is picking up the keys today and starting to move her stuff in. I am so excited to have my own space now. I have ordered the bedroom set, my parents are helpiong me out some and I have to come up with the rest of the money for it. I have never had my own bed or set and it's going to be something to last me a very long time. I also won't be driving as much and will have cell phone reception all the time now, as opposed to my parents house.

Also Sunday we have our summer barn party. There is going to be cook out, drinks, lots of people, games on horseback and a bonfire after dark with some adult beverages to be had. I am hoping to take a vacation day on Monday so I can sleep in and then finish moving my stuff into the new apartment, I need to ask soon!

Went on a little trail ride with Possum last nigth after work. We went through the woods and then met up with a dirt road. As soon as I turned him he wants to take off so I let him. He galloped so fast that it took my breath away. I was laughing so hard that I thought at one time I might come off. He was just eating up the ground and pouring on the speed. We also jumped a gate that was across a trail a few times which is about 3ft. We got perfect striding each time, yippee. The we went through a huge field and just galloped through the tall grass. It felt good to ride my horse again. We know each other so well. I never have to second guess with him and am always relaxed. He never heisitate when I ask him to do something and we're just like one being when we're riding together, it's a freeing feeling. I took him back to the barn, gave him a good rub down and let him loose to eat grass until another big thunderstorm came through.

I left the barn and went home to pick up the dogs and went to my parents little camp on the lake to sit on the dock and relax. That was where I talked to "G" on the phone. It was peaceful lsitening to the loons and frogs. No one was on the lake and it was just framed with green colored mountains. I have many good memories of that lake as a kid. Canoeing, swimming, having diving shows with my cousins. If I listen hard enough I can hear our screams and laughter still resonate around the lake. I think it was a good place for me to talk to "G". Came home late and went to bed even later. I'm dragging ass today and have almost a 12 hr work day. I'm looking forward to the weekend although it is still going to be stressful with the move but it's good stress. Have a great day everyone.

Oh and on a side note. I did go to the show Sunday and had a bout of heat stroke, I'm fine now but it wasn't a good day for me. I'm just glad that last weekend is over.

The pic above is not me but it might as well be. I had a rocking horse at around this age almost the same one and would watch The Man From Snowy River and during the race scene just gallop that little plastic horse on springs. I had a need for speed even as a little kid. I thought this pic was fitting.

*WARNING* venting ahead

OK, so thought I was going to have a decent day but due to my brain, emotions, state of mind and the probable imbalance of happy feelings in my head I'm having a hard time. I'm on my way to work this morning when "G" calls to say that I don't have any mail, cause I asked him yesterday because I'm waiting for my stimulus check. We chat but I can tell something is weird in his voive. I ask him what he's up to tonight and he says "I'm going out". I asked "with Kelly?" and he says "yes". At this specific moment all of the blood drained to my feet and I felt like I was going to puke. (note the appropriate visual displayed at the top) Luckily instincts kicked in and I was able to control myself after an awkward silence. I informed him that was wasn't in town yet and was probably going to lose service, I said bye and hung up. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that we're only friends, we have no obligation to one another etc...blah blah. I opened the phone back up and texted him asking if they were dating or something. He wrote back that they were only friends. I'm thinking in my mind yea sure friends with benefits maybe. I shook the idea out of my head. A few minutes later he sent me the message "Stop making a big deal, i can have friends." My response was: "I dodn't say you couldn't. I'm not making a big deal. I could care less what you do. Have fun tonight and have fun this weekend." I feel better after writing that back but I still can't help but feel a twinge. And I know as the nday and night go on my complex little mind is going to start telling me stories. I'm trying to find something to do tonight to take my mind off of it. I had thoughts of relaxing and going to bed early since I'm so tired, but I think I need to stay busy. Maybe having a few drinks tonight will help with the process. I know this has been such a roller coaster ride for me and everyone who listens to this all, but it really is getting a little better. "G" and I are talking, he tries to clarify to me that he and this convenient store girl are only friends (yea sure). He's taken the dogs and corresponding regularly with me. I'm going to choose to look at the positive, but also think I need a little space this weekend. It's date night for him tonight, Saturday night he will probably doing god knows whatat the tuff truck, remember all what happened the last 2 times, not pretty. And then Sunday is the competition and he'll probably invite Kelly to watch because after all they are only friends (ok sorry a little too sarcastic there) I think the best thing for me is to make myself scarce for a few days. I have enough on my plate with the horses, dogs, work and moving to the new apartment. I'm really trying to take the high road on this one.

So onto bigger and better things. I got stuck in a HUGE hail and lightening storm on the my way home last night. I had to pull off the road for 20 minutes and I seriously thought my car was going to have all broken windows. The hail was about the size of golf balls and was so loud on my car. Lightening was all over the place. Eventually I got moving again and stopped in town to get gas, I has just pumped about 3 gallons when I heard a huge explosion. The transformer across the street exploded causing a huge power outage in town. The gas pumps shut off and everything. It was just a CRAZY night. I went to the barn for a few to try and relax an watch a lesson and then went home to play with the dogs and do my laundry and pack some stuff for the weekend. Still not sure about showing Sunday. The weather looks aweful and to tell you teh truth I'm kinda tired and drained. Work has been really stressful lately, I've had some not to nice families and I think I need a break. Maybe I will go for a nice trail ride or soemthing. Just enjoy my animals and try not to think about "G". Well gotta get back to work, hopefully getting out early today cause I've worked so much and I want to pick up the dogs and my stuff and get back to the barn to ride tonight. Have a great day everyone and words of encouragement are always appreciated.

rain rain go away come again another day

This is how I feel today. It's raining all the time now. Although I can't really complain because other parts of the US are really under water it still sucks that it's raining when you wake up and the best you can get in the day is some hazy clouds and maybe a sliver of blue sky that quickly disappears. The weather is really starting to affect my mood. For some reason yesterday afternoon I was feeling mega anxiety. The kind where things start spinning and you fight to take a breath. I started to calm myself down and wonder what brought this on, there was no real explanation. SOmetimes reality just hits me like a ton of bricks. I have no boyfriend anymore, no more secure place to live, I have few posessions, mounting bills, a stressful job and my own mental problems. I'd say that is not only a plate full of issues but it's a damn smorgasboard.

So I went to the barn last night after my last visit. Everyone could tell I was stressed. It was one of the times in the day that there was small sliver of blue sky so I was trying to soak up as much vitamin D as I could. I chatted with friends and then goot Moonshine ready to ride. She was pretty good but really sluggish. She had gotten ridden earlier in the morning and I could tell. We also jumped bigger then we have in months with the highest being 3'3". She's just starting to really learn how to use her body over the jumps and add style, she's coming along very nicely.

My friend was having problems with her hot hot hot solid paint mare so I hopped on to try some things. This horse just anticipates EVERYTHING! And not only that she is extremely smart and has learned to run the show over my friend. Any slight leg pressure she bolts forward, that's bad. SO we worked off leg, seat and some bending since she was turning like she was a 2X4. Her neck started to relax and her mouth softened and I gave her some extra rein as a reward. I got it so her trot was nice and relaxed and bending but when you so much as ask for a canter ZOOM away she goes. She curls her neck up like a caterpillar, leans on your hands and flattens out as much as she can to keep going. So every time she would do that she would have to stop, back a few steps and then trot softly forward. I can't get emotional with her becahse she just feeds off that, so everything is done matter of factly. I do lots of turns, transitions and really asked her to listen to ALL of the aids and not just hands. She was a little better at the end of night and my friend knows the kids of work she has cut out for her. Consistency is the name of the game here, breaking up the routine so the horse doesn't anticipate everything. So it was pretty productive.

Last night I texted "G" good night and he asked if I wanted to stop by his dads tuff truck track because they were hauling a vehicle over. I said sure and met them there. I saw him take a truck around the track and totally kill it which was cool. The bugs were so bad that I didn't stay long and plus I was getting really tired. I said good night, he thanked me for stopping by and I left.

It rained all last night while I was sleeping. Rained this morning and is cloudy and dark now. I have a busy day at work again with lots of driving. Contemplating maybe not showing Sunday due to the weather. It just isn't fun getting ready in the rain, practicing in the rain, showing in the rain and unpacking in the rain. I'll have to talk to the owner about it since this show isn't really big time or anything. Stopping by the barn tonight just fo a few cause I really need to do laundry tonight after stayin out too late last night. Have a great day everyone and let me know if it's sunny out where you are.

Hump Day

It's Wednesday and the work week is half over, yippee! Had a good time riding my horse last night and he was actually really good. I say it every time and I'm gonna say it again, when I ride another horse that is not my own and then ride my horse after I hate how much of a jack hammer, heavy mouthed downhill kind of horse Possum is. I have used the analogy lately that Moonshine is like a Cadillac. Great air ride suspension, plenty of go, clean steering but not too zippy like a sports car. Possum on the other hand is the equilavent to an Escort hatchback with a turbo engine. Not too well made, got a few bumps and rattles, rides like a go cart but with the turbo engine that makes it go fast but shake like hell at 80mph. Good thing I like little shitty cars :) Possum was actually very good. We jumped some lines, I was really trying to work on my position as well, nice deep heels, open shoulders and chest and head up. He was really listening and for not being really ridden in over a week he wasn't too hyper. There's just something really familiar when you get on your own horse. As soon as I get on he's got his big boy walk on. Moonshine on the other hand has a slow but long strided walk. Possum really really wanted do some galloping but due to the rain the footing was iffy for high speeds so I kept him in a controlled hand gallop around the arena after he did well with some jumps. Dabbled a little in practicing our flying changes and it went well.

Last night "G" texted me and said that he was really busy and asked if he could call me in the morning. I said fine and asked if it was somethign important and he said no that he just had a lot to do. So this morning driving to work he called and we chatted for a few. He told me what he worked on last night and how busy his week is with the tuff truck competition on Sunday (oh goodie) He also talked about how he is notorious for putting too much on his plate and then getting stressed out. I just listened like a good friend and nooded my head and said "um hmm, i agree". He sounded tired and stressed on the phone, he also said that he was cutting out coffee for a while, so he was probably a little grumpy as well. So to asess our situation right now. We are officially in the friend stage. There has been no additude or snippyness lately. We are talking on a regular basis, and I stayed over there last weekend. We both have a busy weekend but are still finding time to talk to one another. I figure that this can be a positive step in the right direction for us. I call it getting back to basics. Talking, being friendly and sharing ones life experiences. I'm getting my shit together and God I hope he is too.

The apartment front is looking very promising and I can't wait to move in. I believe that my parents are also buying me a bedroom set which would be awesome since I don't even own a bed or anything. Plus I'm getting tired of driving so much between work, the barn and my parents house. Gas is killing me!

So gonna ride Moonshine tonight after work and then go home and do laundry. Hopefully the rain holds out again tonight and we can get in some good jumping courses. Have a good hump day everyone, hang in there the weekend is around the corner.

The picture above is of the funeral home in the winter time. My friend and I have the entire second floor to ourselves and the third floor for storage. I am totally psyched!

Sleepy Tuesday

Even though I have gotten plenty of sleep the past few days I still feel so damn tired! I think maybe it has to do with the rainy and cloudy weather, but whatever it is it's making me want to sleep all fricken day.

So anyways, after work my friend and I went to look at the apartment above the funeral home. It's perfect!!! It's nice and big, there's a washer and dryer, one HUGE bedroom and one regular size one. A dining room, kitchen, big bathroom and tons of storage. We can even have space for 1 car in the garage. They also take the trash which is cool. The price is right, the location is perfect and my friend and I decided to take it. I need to call the guy, but as of right now we're planning on moving in July 1st as soon as she can get out of her other place. There's no security deposit, or first and last months rent. The funeral director is a friend of the family and very nice. I am psyched!

After looking at the apartment last night I picked up the dogs from "G's" and went to the barn to ride Moonshine. It was kind of dreary out, but we were still able to ride outside. Moonie was very good but a little sluggish. We had a nice flat warm-up and then jumped some lines and courses. I was very pleased since we have another show coming up this Sunday.

Talked to "G" briefly texting last night, he was busy working on his motorcycle. I get a text this AM when I get in range from him apologizing for being so short with me last night but he was busy and wanted to get home to cook dinner. I wrote him back saying that I understand and hope his dinner went well and he has a good day. He later called me and we chatted for a few minutes. I told him about the apartment and how excited I am. I'm also excited cause I get to ride my own horse tonight. I feel like I've been neglecting him with riding Moonshine so much. He just looks at me from the pasture with those doe eyes and wanting some attention. I think we'll have a fun ride tonight and I'll give him a really good grooming. Have a great day everyone, and hopefully I don't fall asleep at work, that would not be good.

Great Weekend

I'm going to try and make this short since I don't have a lot of time. I had a great weekend. The test on Friday, was so so. Not really sure if I passed or not, but it's over and I don't have to think about it anymore until I get the results in 60 days. I then rushed to "G's" to pick up the dogs. He was kind enough to offer to watch the dogs while I had a show and said that I could even drop them off Friday morning. The transaction went well. He was still in bed. We said hi and bye and I lef to meet people for the test. So I took the dogs to the barn. Rode Moonshine and she was really really good but a bit lazy. Didn't ride too long cause wanted her to be fresh for the show tomorrow. Did all the bathing, brushing, clipping and polishing. The barn owner did the braiding because I am literally braiding illiterate. I suck at it and can't even braid my own god damn hair! It really is pathetic. Later that night I went to "G's" to drop the dogs back off. It actually went really well. He invited me to dinner as a last minute thing and then we went back to his house and chilled for a little. He wanted to be physical, and trust me I did to, but I held my ground. He agreed that it's wan't the right thing to do. We left on a good note and I went to the barn to sleep in the camper with my friend.

Woke up at 4:15AM after only getting 4 hrs of sleep. Loaded the horses and off to the show we went. The show was awesome. Not as many people as there usually are but it was a beautiful day. It was a double judged show so it was nice to have double the feed back and the hcourses were nice. Moonshine did really well. We got 3 firsts, 4 seconds and one 6th. We placed in every class and she ended up reserve champion in the special working hunter division which I was very proud of. Everyone else from the barn did exceptionally well also. We had a fun drive back, stopped at Burger King to eat a greasy burger. We joked the whole way home and exhaustion was taking over all of our brains. "G" texted me and asked if I wanted anything adult to drink since he was going to the store (he really knows me after a show) He bought me some Pina Colada mix. Got back to the barn, unloaded and unpacked from the show. Got the horses braids out and fed them. I mucked out the trailer and then went to "G's" to drink and see my dogs.

I have to admit that I had a really good time at his house. We laughed, we joked and it was casual and he was NOT drunk!!! He told me that he was trying to take the week to himself and figure some stuff out. I encouraged him on this. Before I knew it I had one too many drinks to drive and fell asleep on the couch. We woke up and went to bed, FULLY DRESSED! We slept in till 9AM and it was great. Got up took SEPERATE showers, chatted and went about our day. I went to the barn to chill and let the dogs run around. I had every intention of riding Possum but it was down pouring and he was soaked outside and I was still feeling physically tired from the week before. I took my parents out to eat and it was nice, had some good food and visited. Talked about the apartment I'm going to look at today and keeping our fingers crossed.

I then went back to "G's" to watch TV and chill. I asked if he wanted to go to the movies but he had a really bad stomach and headache. So we crashed on the couch and before I knew it I had fallen asleep. A big pile, of me, G and the 2 dogs, one big happy family. I ended up staying over, strictly sleeping. Got up, he went to work and then I went to work.

One thing really did suck today. I was driving back from a home visit to the office and I was just cruising and wondering why I was still tired when I see blue lights behind me. I got a speeding ticked for $185!!!!! I think I'm gonna context it only because that's a shit load of money! I actually held it together quite well and didn't get freaked out. The cop was nice but neverther the less I still got a ticket. Oh well, no one died and it's only money, can't take it with you when you die, right?? But it still comes in hand while your alive. So anyways keep your fingers crossed about the apartment today.

Above is a little candid that someone took at the show of Moonshine and myself. It was really hot all dressed up bit still a good day over all.

AHHHHHHH

Tomorrow is ever so close, the dreaded exam. Yesterday was a long day at work so to relax I swung by the barn to have a smoke and chill in the good weather. Got a good pep talk from a woman who is going through a similiar thing I'm going through with "G". I still felt kinds down though. Left pretty early to go home. I texted "G" just to ask if I got mail, cause not everything has been changed over. HE immediately called and said that I didn't have anything. He chatted with me for a few minutes, I was tired and I could tell he was tired. He said he go tout of work at noon yesterday to work on his motorcycle and just busy with jobs on the side and such, I told him I was busy with test and upcoming show. We hung up on civil terms, and you'll all be proud, I was the one to end the conversation, see it's the baby steps I need to focus on. I was still feeling kinda down so I decided to stop by the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. It' really beautiful up there on the hillside, hence the name hillside cemetery hehehe. I talked to them for a few until the bugs got the best of me and then decided to stop by their house which is like a mile down the road, see picture above.

The door was unlocked cause there's practically nothing in it and the realtor has been showing it to people. I walked in and the smell was just inviting. I could hear all the sounds of my childhood in the kitchen where we had so many parties and gatherings, it's like the walls were talking to me. My senses were overloaded. I caught myself yelling "Hello?" like I always did because my grandfather was usually sitting in his easy chair in the living room with the TV blasted. There was obviously no answer other than an echo around the room. It was sad to see all of the magnets on the refrigerator gone and all the family photos and dried flowers missing. My grandmothers cook books were still on the shelves. I miss them so much. They were animals lovers and realists. They lived only 4 miles from us growing up that we were always there either walking or biking and spent the night when my parents would go away. It was only 2 short years ago that they died. First my grandfather, and then 3 months later almost to the day my grandmother passed. They were a big part of my life. early on when I would do local shows walk trot and the junior stuff they would come and watch and my grandfather would buy us all cheeseburgers from the Feed Bag lunch counter at the show. My grandmother would stand on the rail and whisper "oh, isn't he pretty, good boy" as I would ride by. You never realize how much you care or miss their support until their gone. During these hard times I often picture myself talking to them and visiting with them about what's going on. It's conforting to talk to them in my thoughts. I went through the whole house. Upstairs I found a box of pictures that I carried on my hip and out the door. Instead of going home and studying, my parents and myself sat around the kitchen table and looked at old pictures. Pictures of a few years ago and some of back in the 50's and 60's. It was good to look at all the smiling faces agai nand see all the happy people. I really miss my childhood. My cousins used to come to Maine all the time and we were very close. Now we're adults with grown-up jobs and grown-up lives. One's a doctor, one is an environmentalist, my brother is workingon acting in Hollywood, one is getting married soon, one is still living at home (no, not me) And the youngest ones are graduating highschool this year. Where does the time go. Somedays I wish I could have one more day of running around my grandparents yard with shorts and a T-shirt with blonde hair flying and skinned up knees playing on the "big rock" with my cousins and begging for a sleep over that night. Those are all memories that I cherish and love and will have forever until I see my grandparents again.

So tonight going to the barn just for a few minutes to watch a lesson. Then coming home to pack for the weekend and get to bed at a decent hour. Probably can't blog until Monday cause my parents computer crashed and I won't be at work tomorrow. Everyone havea good weekend and do lots of things with your horses and or animals and family. Take Care.

It's all about the animals

I have had no contact with "G" since Monday night! It's hard but I have done it. Now on to bigger and better things. Went to the barn last night after my doctors appointment so I could ride Moonie. It was still very hot and steamy and gross but it was my only chance to ride before Friday. She warmed up beautifully and felt really good. She had a mini lesson with a teenage girl earlier in the day but still had plenty of pep. Did all the warm-up stuff and started jumping courses. It was better than last night, it wasn't perfect (that's the perfecionist in me) but it was solid. We got a lot of nice spots too. SO I didn't ride too long since she had already been ridden that day. Gave her a good grooming and let her loose to eat grass and her dinner. She really is such a nice mare and it's very easy to like her a lot. Hung out at the barn for about an hr after and watched others ride. Went i the paddock to groom Possum and scratch allof his favorite spots and promised to ride him Sunday after the show.

Headed home to see the dogs and eat dinner. My dad told me when I got home that Phineous (my dog) was scared to death of the big thunder storm they had earlier. Supposedly they got 1in hail and rain and lightening hitting right near the house. My poor baby was slinking around the house trying to find a place to curl up with his tail tucked between his legs. So I ate a quick dinner and watched a little TV, Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch is like my favorite show. I stayed up later then I wanted to due to another thunderstorm rolling through. Went to bed and it was still pretty hot and tossed and turned with my crazy thoughts. I tried thinking of good things like visualizing the course for Saturday's show and stuff, finally I fell asleep.

It's Wednesday, hump day! My plans tonight is after a late visit here at work to head home and study for my upcoming exam and then try to go to bed early. We'll see if it happens. I don't want to be at work, I miss my dogs and barn and horses. Work always seems to get in the way of a good time!

quick update

Like I said before, it's a very busy week for me. After work yesterday I had a counselor appt and it went really well. We talked about my anxiety for the upcoming test and went over some strategies such as tapping and visualization. It was really good to have a grounding session at the beginning of a hectic week. Rode Mooonshine after I picked up the dogs from "G's". He wasn't there so I changed quickly and headed straight to the barn. The heat was horrible. I don't do well in heat and especially humidity it just zaps all of my energy and drive. I think Moonshine was feeling the same. Our flat was great. She was responsive and light. Her hind end was perfectly fine so I took a long slow warm-up before jumping. Her jumping was OK, but not as good as it usually is. She usually goes for the bigger spots and is very easy to break down for a simple lead change after a line but this time she was opting for the chip in even when I clearly told her when to take off and was then racing through a line to make the strides. Afterwards if she was on the wrong lead she would right before the corner set the inside of her jaw and get all strung out instead of collecting up, breaking down quickly and then picking up the correct lead. SO it made it look messy and like I was having to work hard. I think she just needs some more consistency, it's too bad that I have such a busy week at work and with the test Friday. It wasn't a bad ride by any means, it just needs some polishing and fine tuning. Planning on riding tonight after work and then not again until probably Friday afternoon and then getting ready for the show.

On the housing front. My friend backed out of a living situation and is living in a trailer on her own. I have been scrambling to try and find something that I can afford and is relatively close to work. The funeral home apartment is still open and they may be willing to make a deal with me even if my friend doesn't decide to take it. She is possibly thinking of moving out of her trailer because she is resaponsible for all utilities including heat. Up here in Maine, the heating costs are just getting outrageously expensive. She is contemplating it and I have to make arrangements to go look at the apartment either way. So I'm excited about that. It's 15 min from work and about 15 min from the barn, perfect! It's also only 4 miles from "G's" house, oh goody.

Have a good work day everyone, and try and stay cool.

On a Positive Note....

Hold on to your hats folks. After reading many of my boring and depressed posts I thought it was high time that I talked about some of the good things that are happening in my life right now, and they particularly have to do with my animals and a few close friends. So just to recap quickly on the weekend of the soap opera that my life has become; it didn't start out too hot on Friday. I caved and texted "G" and asked what he was doing. To make a long story short he was getting ready to go out on a date with the girl with the kid. I was crushed, hurt, sad, angry and almost every emotion under the rainbow. So after hanging up it was a foggy and rainy day. I cried on the shoulders of my friends, while hugging my dogs and horse. I texted him back and said that this was it, I can't do this, friends is out of the question now and it hurt too much to be around him, I also wished him luck with doing better with a kid since he hasn't paid any attention to his own dogs." I ended up calling "G's" mom for some added support. Let me tell you about "Momma G" She is a great woman, a straight shooter, no sugar coating and will ALWAYS tell you the truth but is also a great listener and conversationalist, and for someone who processes verbally such as myself she is a godsend! I drank some wine, smoked a few cigarettes and tried to keep the tears to a minimum because she really sees no need for crying in her presence. It was good to just talk. It was by no means a bitch session on "G" rather it was a "this is how I feel right now and how can I try and move on and still protect my feelings." We did talk a little about how "G's" actions were confusing and just a bit about his drinking, but I did not want to go into too much detail. It's her son, she loves him no matter what and cares for him very much, but also knows that he is going through a rough time right now. We talked for hours! I hadn't eaten anything since late morning and the wine was really going to my head. She offered to have me stay the night and I figured that was a good idea. It was after midnight when I finally tried to sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes the world started spinning. I tried every position possible to get comfortable and get my mind off of puking but it got to the point that I knew I had to do it in order to feel better and sleep. I casually walked to the kitchen proclaiming that I needed a drink of water and ever so quietly discharged the wine I had consumed in the sink. Now I'm sure your all cringing and saying "The sink!!!" but it really was just clear liquid, no food particles were to be found and I gave everything a thorough rinsing.

So the next morning took a shower, got dressed, said my byes and gave lots of hugs and out the door I went for a fun filled day at the barn. I had to do stalls so that took me a couple of hrs. The day was getting quite hot so it was time to work on the tan. After stalls took a quick break and then rode Moonshine. She was a tad bit off in her hind end so decided to stick to a nice flat ride going all the way around the arena. She was awesome and listening really well and very responsive. Much better at beginning of this ride then she was the last time. I was sweating so bad that my sunglasses were slipping off my nose. Gave her a good hosing and sprayed her really with bug spray and turned her out to eat grass and walk around. Then changed into what I call civilian clothes and went to a friends house for her high school graduation party. I didn't stay long, but enough to scarf down some of her home made nachos which were delicious.

I then high tailed it the 40minutes to my parents where I visited and had dinner with them and my two aunts (my dads sisters) they are a riot and I love seeing them. They were really sweet and knew that I was having a hard time so a few weeks ago they bought me a "life is Good" sweatshirt with a horse on it. It was really touching and I thanked them profusely. So after dinner I grabbed a quick shower and headed back to the barn to sleep in the camper. I have to admit depression wise I was having a hard time Saturday night. Maybe it was because I puked my pills up the night before but it was really getting me down. I cried a little in the car to the dogs and tried calling friends when I got into range but no one was around. SO I dialed "Momma G" to help give me strength in not talking to "G" She set me on the path and I was able to be "G" free the rest of the night.

On Sunday it was a scorcher of a day. I am naturally hot blooded so any added heat it just kills me. I watched some lessons. A young girl rode Possum and he was good for the most part, got a little galloping in between the jump lines but was OK. SO I get a long text from "G" telling me that he's sorry to bother me and wants us to be friends but knows that he's not good for me right now and what he is doing is wrong but he needs to figure his stuff out. Everyone told me not to talk to him but I ended up sending a message which turned into 3 and 4. The talking ended and I wished him a good week in hopes that he would not text me again because I know my strength is shot when he talks to me first.

I studied a lot, got a lot of sun and spent good times with my dogs. I let Possum out to graze and relax and it was a nice quiet day at the barn. Then in the evening "G" writes to ask me about the phone plan we both share. I told him I wanted off and he refused saying that he would have to pay to take me off which I found out is not true but I wasn't going to push the subject. So again, he ended up inviting me to his friends house, I refused but stupidly said that they should get food close to the barn which he surprisingly agreed to. I waited and waited at the barn and then asked where he was and no response. Then I texted him to pick me up and he said he was on his way. Well he got there with his friend and was obviously very intoxicated and stepped out of the truck to take the longest pee I have ever seen a human do. He was angry and wanted to start a fight saying that they were already at the store and waiting for 15 min and where was I. Then he started and yelling about us and how I always confuse everything as him wanting to get back with me. And then he babbled on about hos confused he is and doesn't know what he wants, I agreed with him and said that his confusion was clear to everyone around him. He then wanted to really push my buttons. I flat out in front of his friend asked "G" why he wanted a friendship with me? What was he to gain? and the fact that I was no longer going to use my body for his own amusement. He got angry and yelled but never really addressed the friend question. He then turned to his friend with almost tears in his eyes and said that he wanted to leave, so they drove off leaving me at the barn with my thoughts and my 2 dogs. I didn't cry I just WAS.

On my way home "G" called me and told me that he had been crying the whole night, and that his mom called and he didn't know why she was and accused me of tattling to his family. he also said that he knew about Friday. I informed him that Friday was not a secret. He started crying on the phone and my heart broke. I turned the car around and continued talking to him until he said he had to call his mom back. I was genuinely worried. He was drunk, emotional and alone. I had to check and make sure he was OK because I only know with myself that those combinations of factors can be deadly. I drove to his house, turned out the lights in the car and parked only halfway up the driveway and walked the rest, I don't even know why. I stood at the top of the driveway and saw him through the kitchen window talking on the phone, probably to his mom. I sat down and just watched him through the glow of the window. He was still talking which I took as a good sign and then slowly walked down the driveway to my car to go home. I was pulling out of the driveway as he called me. I told him that I had stopped by and saw him from the driveway and decided to leave, he asked me why and I said because I didn't want to make him mad. I asked if he wanted me to come over, if he was OK and what he wanted. He said to come to the house. I came in and he was making his bed with red and watery eyes. I took over making the bed and he went into the living room and hugged and loved on the dogs. It wasn't until I heard wailing sobs that I went into check on him. He was curled up with both dogs just crying to thim. I sat on the edge of the couch and just put my arm around him. After a few minutes I asked him if he wanted me to leave the dogs for the night. He said to just stay since it was late, I agreed because my eyes were already drooping and my mind was buzzing. I looked him square in the eye and said that no kissing, nothing physical or more than a hug and I was there as a friend and someone who cared. He started crying again and asked me if I wanted to know if he slept with the girl on Friday, I said no and covered my ears and said that it messes with me and I can't think about that stuff. He said that he didn't because he was thinking of me and us and was confused and nothing really felt right unless it was with me. I started crying, I couldn't hold it back anymore. He hugged each other and just let the emotions pour out of us in the stuffy and sweaty living room covered in sweat and dog hair. I decided to take a shower since I was literally gross. He decided to join as long as he behaved. He kept asking for hugs but I stayed strong. After the shower he put the air conditioner in the window which I love and we went to bed while watching basketball. It was nice, it was comfortable. I felt like he was actually open and receptive to my feelings of caring for him. I slept like a baby and according to him talked a lot in my sleep. He called into work the next morning which I was glad to see. This kid never takes a break or time for himself. We took a shower and got dressed, went out for a quick breakfast and then I went to work. No kisses good bye and maybe we would see each other after my counseling appt tonight to pick up the dogs, no guarantees.

Now for the positives. My dogs are my life. The actual thought of even leaving them with "G" last night and going home without them was heart wrenching. They are my world, my best friends and we can literally talk to each other without ever speaking. My horse. He is also a big support for me right now. I know he understands everything that it going on and really hasn't given me a hard time about anything lately. I touch him all over and put his cheek bones in my hands and just love on him and he takes it. The barn, my safe haven. The place where I feel the most comfortable, where my sanity comes back to me. My family has been very supportive of all this crap. I told them how I was feeling Saturday night and they asked if I would stay and stuff but I know I just really needed to be alone and at the barn with my dogs. My friends. They are probably the most frustrated with me. Every time crap comes up between "G" and I they are always there and understanding and must get really tired of saying over and over again just "stay away from him". Their great and I hope that they really stick with me through this hard time regardless of how many times I slip and fall. This blog I find to be helpful for me. I like writing and getting things out there so they don't just stay and stew in me, and also all of the helpful comments that I have received. Although it is really hard to follow the advice sometimes I always read and reflect in it none the less.

SO I have a very busy week. I have a huge test on Friday the 13th, a big horse show on Saturday and a busy work week of playing catch up from the week before. SO comment away everyone, would to hear from you all, even if it's to tell me how disappointed you are in me. Honestly, I feel OK today. I don't know if it's because I had my dose of "G" or what. I'm calm, ready to work, not stressed and looking forward to riding tonight. I need to continue to focus on myself and stay on the right path and keeping busy is a good way to do that so I don't become consumed in my thoughts. Have a good day everyone.

Awesome ride last night!

After I hurried out of work in a frenzied ball of anxiety yesterday I arrived at my friends house for the trail ride and was able to take a breath. We chatted, I changed my clothes and the 2 other people showed up that lease her other horses. One is an older woman about 60 and her daughter who is 37. They were wonderfully nice and sweet and liked to talk which is a plus. We tacked up and hit the trails. It had stopped raining and smelled really good in the woods. I got to ride storm again who is their 6yo three quarters arab and one quarter STB. He is a blast and can sometimes be a little naughty but he settled right down to business. We went for about 12 miles at a nice clip. Storm hardly broke a sweat. I talked to Sarah and my friend Cindy a lot about my experiences with "G". It was weird because Sarah has been in almost the same exact spot, her ex used to be a mechanic, drinking problems, breaking up and then sleeping around with skanks. Her advice was to stop all communication and work on myself only. Asking myself the questions of why does he still want to be friends? How can you still be friends with someone you love who doesn't feel the same and watch them with other people? Isn't that like torture? (YES). And the notion that I think I will be an old maid the rest of my life. I used to hate that card game as a kid, getting the old maid card felt like getting the death card in a psychic reading.

The answer to all those questions is that I don't know why I love "G" so much. Why do I think if I wait around he'll grow and change eventually and run back into my arms the guy I love and know and repent for all of his badness. Kinda sound like a new Disney movie doesn't it? I can't get him out of mind. Nearly all of my thoughts are consumed with him, how he is, what he's doing, if he is thinking of me etc... I'm trying very hard to stay busy and surround myself with my horsey friends. Sarah who lives in NH and works in Boston even invited me to stay with her sometime in the city because she is some big HR boss and has charge of over 1,200 employees and gets free hotel rooms all the time. Asked me to go to a show and out to dinner. I think maybe it would do me some good to get out of Maine for a few days. We were both excited to have made a new friend and I can tell already that she is a great person. After the ride we hosed the horses, checked for ticks and gave them a thorough grooming. Then we went inside and had wine and chips and dip and fun conversation. It was nice to laugh and share things with other people. Also Peter really thinks I should do the 50 mile endurance ride at the end of the month with Cindy on Storm so he doesn't have to go. Peter broke his back a few years and long periods of riding really hurt him. and plus he says he's not in that good of riding shape. I'm seriously thinking about it. It woule be the longest ride Storm has ever done competitively and it would be my rookie ride. I'm mulling it over in my brain, I think I might enjoy it!

I then left and went to my barn to give Possum some pats and kisses. He came right up to the gate, smelled me all over and wouldn't leave my side. I touched him all over, scratched his favorite spots and we even did a little follow the leader running around the paddock. I really love my horse sometimes! I promised him that tomorrow we would hang out. He didn't look pleased with me.

So after all the good talks and being around supportive people ofcourse I had to text "G" and see what he was doing. He didn't answer. When I was on my way home from my barn a few hrs later I decided to call him. (I know, dumb) He answered and stated that he was at the garage just finishing up on his bike with his male friend and shop owner. He sounded all down and almost pissy. He said that he was just busy and didn't respond to me earlier and was tired and wanted to go to bed. It was a quick 1 min talk and then hung up. Why is it that I base my mood on what kinds of interaction we have? When it's a good conversation and happy and I feel like he's paying attention to me I'm happy. When he's not talkative and pissy I immediately become worried that he is mad, or with another girl or whatever. I need to stop that, but how? I am trying very hard to overcome this break-up. Sometimes driving in the car I repeat over and over that "G" and I broke up, I am now single and he is sleeping with other girls just to make sure that reality has set in. To convince myself that this guy is not worth my time and energy and not deserving of the feelings I have for him. Ohwell. Going to the barn tonight to sleep in the camper with my doggies whom I love. Then getting up to do stalls, riding Moonshine, then going back to my parents house for dinner with family members who are visiting and then back to the barn to sleep and then Sunday riding Moonie again and studying for this damn exam I have coming up on Friday the 13th (no joke!) and then Sat the 14th is the big show about 3 hrs away. I am going to be crazy busy and stressed and hopefully this will distract me a little from "G". Have a great weekend everyone. I am cautiously optimistic; as weekends tend to either be great and wonderful or hell, I'm hoping for the great.

Good ride and staying strong

After a very stressful day at work yesterday I raced to the barn, got changed and got Moonshine ready for a ride. The owner instructed me that young and sometimes inexperienced riders had been riding her lately and letting her coast around and that she really needed work on a nice forward walk and work on not wiggling so much and moving her forward into the bridle. At first she was a wiggle worm, resisting the pressure, taking short choppy steps and just all over the place. After a solid 20 minutes of a good warm up in all three gaits with transitions, serpentines and circles she was finally starting to come around. She was using her back, stretching forward into the bridle and taking those big girl strides (she's 16.3H) Attempted some flying changes and she was getting the front but not her hind end, looks like we need to do some more pole work, she has the general idea but just needs to strengthen herself and become better coordinated.

Ended the ride jumping a single jump at 2'9" over and over from different directions. More for me to get used to her striding and spots and to ger her used to jumping a little higher than normal since she usually does not go over 2'6". She did really well and even another girl at the barn commented on how nice she was moving and looked. She felt great, responsive to the aids, right between my legs and seat, collected and listening and lifting her back. Ended the ride on a good note, gave her lots of pats and praise, groomed her up and then gave her her dinner and tucked her in her stall for the night.

Now for the Men part of this blog. "G" had texted me while I was riding to say that he was not mad at me, but if we are going to be texting anymore we are going to have to up our plan (we are on a share talk plan together now) As I was leaving the barn I told him OK and that I was going home, He texted back and said that he was at his friends garage where his Harley is stored and asked if I wanted to stop by for a few. This is the dilemma folks, do I just drive on by and be a bitch? do I show up and display my strength of not being able to be sucked in, what do I do? I'm sure you could all guess that I stopped in. I was wet because it was misty and raining wearing half chaps, paddock boots and jeans with a torn sweatshirt and spurs, looking really hot if I do say so (sarcasm). "G" was all nicey nicey and kept trying to lock eyes with me with a grin, I was having none of it and concentrated on the guy who was polishing the chrome on "G's" bike. "G" then asked me what was wrong and if I was mad at him. I casually said that it was a long day, had a good but tiring ride was wet and cold and ready to go to bed. I then picked up a beer and started to sip it to not only improve the casual picture, but also to help take the edge off of the day. Had casual conversation for about 30 minutes and then I said that I had to leave. "G" said that he was leaving too. So to avoid the awkward walk to our cars together I said that I had to pee and would not squat outside so had to hurry home. Said by to "G" and his friend and basically raced out the door into my car and drove away. That was it! I was strong, was not playing his locking eyes game, but not being a bitch and then deciding when it was time for me to leave. I feel good about the exchange, I feel strong, independent and like I have control of the steering wheel here.

So driving into work this morning I did not text or call him, nor did my phone ring from his end either. I'm being strong. I have another long day at work but have a nice trailride to look forward to. Going to a friends house to ride one of her arabs with a group of people for a 10 mile ride, so that should be fun.

Attached a picture of Moonshine and I last year jumping a 3'6" oxer. Don't mind my roached back. At this point this was the highest she had jumped. She really is a nice horse with a ton of potential.

busy week

Hey everyone, I survived the night at my parents house hehehe. Had the vet come out to the barn to do shots last night. We did 14 horses and it seemed like it took FOREVER! Possum was great as usual and got his normal round of shots and coggins so now we're ready to hit the show road hard. Also got my dog Phin up to date he needed his Lyme test and a parvo shot so got everything done in one fell swoop. OK, so I texted "G" only like twice and it was casual goodnight and to tell him how Phin did with the vet and how he didn't try to tear his head off which has happened before at the vets. They have a nice little muzzle at our regular vet just for him. Other than that, No contact. Had a good counselor meeting last night, was able to bring the dogs with me and they just chilled while we talked. It was good to be grounded again and talk about some things and get some clarity.

Have a very busy work week, think I already said that, but it's been crazy and I'm smack in the middle of it. Going to ride Moonshine tonight, promise! I had every intention last night but then the vet showed up and we got new footing for the outdoor arena and that was being spread so all the jumps were taken down. Then tomorrow I'm excited cause I'm going to a neighbors house to ride one of her endurance arabs. I've ridden with her before and her horses are a blast. Now I'm not a big arab fan, but I love taking them down the trail bouncing from one side to another. I just tell everyone that you need to put your arab brain on when you ride them. Know that their going to look at that rock, or spook to the left near the sign etc...Their very good for developing a good seat with movement, spins or backing at a moments notice and the better you are at it the sooner you can catch and prevent any funny business from going on. So I'm excited about that. Today is hump day and this weekend I need to study for my certified drug and alcohol counselor test which I take on Friday the 13th, of all days it had to be that one! I hope it brings me luck. I have to do stalls Saturday and then going to a friends highschool graduation party, she has an appy at our barn and is a great girl. Also need to ride Moonshine again this weekend, so going to be busy and hopefully fun filled.

Wanted to add a picture today that was taken at our last show 2 weeks ago. It was me riding Moonshine over little tiny jumps. Please disregard the sunglasses, I forgot and left them on while I was doing my course, oops. Have a great day everyone.

Oops I did it Again....

Does this song sound familiar to anyone? Well it about fits how I feel right now. Yesterday after work I went to the barn after picking up the dogs from "G's" house and went to watch lessons and hang out and be around friends. Went to see a filly that was born by one of the barn owners studs and she is sooooo cute! I was feeling still down and then "G" texted me and said that I had left a shopping bag of bras in his car that I had purchased from Sunday. So before you all start thinking bad thoughts it was a necessity. On Sunday on the way to Portland my underwire bra started poking through and was causing "the girls" a good amount of pain and discomfort. So I rushed into J.C. Penney and bought two bras. One I immediately put on in the mall bathroom and stuffed the old one in the bag with the new one. SO that's what I left behind. And as you all know bras ain't cheap! So I really didn't want to tell him to trash them. SO told him to drop them off at the barn sometime when he was around.

Fast forward to the end of the night. I'm getting ready to leave the barn and text him to tell him that I was eating leftovers from his miserable birthday meal. He texted back that he had already eaten his and it was good and thanks. I told him I was on my way home and he said he was too and asked if I wanted to get my bag of bras. I heisitated. I know it was wrong but I turned the car around and said that I would pick them up. I get to the house and he's just getting out of the shower in PJ bottoms and no shirt. God he is HOT! But I digress. I called the barn owner since it was past 9P at this time and asked her if I could sleep int he camper if "G" would let me drop off the dogs in the morning, they both said fine, and then "G" just had to ask if I wanted to stay on his couch. Damnit, dilemmas, I am no good at these especially in this weakened state. SO to make a long story shorter, I said that I would stay. things were tense at first. We promised no physical stuff (I know again) but ended up taking a shower, watched the news cause there was a local horse accident that I was really concerned about and then ended up doing the deed and falling asleep in his bed. OK, someone slap me as hard as they can up side the head NOW!!! I am weak, horrible and stupid and only hurting myself. I did happen to look at his phone while he was in the shower this AM and saw many lovely messages from the girl with the kid saying good night to him, showing up at his work and asking to see him, blah blah PUKE! Why am I such a glutton for punishment??? Why can't I let this slimy creep go? Because he was my slimy creep for so long and he wasn't always a slimy creep. I know how good and nice and sweet he can be. I realize that if I continue down this path it is only hurting both of us in our own healing. So as I try not to look at my phone today and tie my thumbs down to stop from texting I will count down the minutes until my counseling meeting today. I need some energy healing and strength to get through this. I'm bringing myself down to a level where I am not comfortable and makes me feel creepy and used. I'm better than that!

So to end the post, think I'm going to ride Moonshine after my counseling tonight if I'm not too tired. If I have any chance at all of riding at the show in less than 2 weeks I need to get myself in gear! I need to stick close to my friends and animals. My dogs and horse bring me strength and are trying to look out for me. I need to lsiten to them and stop being a stupid girl. So long "G", I need a break!

my life sucks stometimes

This past weekend I hate to report was pretty rotten. I'll start out with the positive. I rode Possum Sat and Sun and he was really good but quite hyper. Yesterday I took some of the teen girls on my little 3 mile loop at a consistent hand gallop the whole time. I think they were so scared of me that they both strapped on helmets and had a look like they were going to puke. But we had fun, everyone stayed on and we burnt a lot of calories, nevermind the horses. We were sweaty and hot after and took a long time cooling the horses down and giving them a good hosing. The barn was relatively quiet this weekend and Saturday was rainy and pretty much fit my mood. The dogs and I slept in the camper the whole weekend. Now on to the crappy part. As you know "G" had the tuff truck competition and was going to be gone all weekend. We texted back and forth and it was casual and nice. He ended up staying over there Sat night and texted me to tell me he got 2nd out of like 60 people. Well I invited him to go out to eat in Portland Sunday since it was his birthday. This is hwer everything went down hill. I could tell that he was acting wierd. I finally said "so that did you screw someone last night" his face turned gray and he said "well yes" It turned out is was some random skank and they did it in his truck. What a dog!!! I was reeling. And then he told me before he met me he was making out with the other girl with the kids he has been seeing. I wanted to run away, wanted to leave and probably I should have. But we had an incredibly tense ride to Portland and then to the mall to see if he could use his gift cards. He went one way and I went the other. I did tell him that on Friday I met with the guy I had hooked uo with weeks past just to hang out and we ended up making out. "G" was so mad about that and kept calling me a dog and slut. Why the hell doe she care? and it only proved to me Friday that I don't want to mess around with others, it messes with the my head and makes me feel like crap, why can't he figure that out! So it was bad at dinner, bad on the ride home and only slightly got better at his house when we both said we weren't going to be physical and dontcha know it happened. I ended up staying the night ( I know stupid) and it just feels all wrong. He is still "seeing" this other girls with the kid. He says the girl at the competition was dumb and will never happen and he keeps calling me a liar for seeing this guy again Friday which I told him I probably wouldn't again. This is the total opposite "G" from last weekend who talked about us getting back together and such and all nice and aweet. This was the asshole part of him for sure. He kept syaing he was confused and dumb. I think he has no self esteem and is just wandering around aimlessly trying to find himself in other girls pants. Its killing me cause I care so much about him and I don't know what to do. Well I know I should satay away for a good long time but it is so hard for me. I'll write later, but just had to put this out of my head and on the computer. Let me know what Y"all think (I'm sure I can already guess) I just care for this man so much, I'm really not that stupid he's the fricken love of my life but I'm just setting kyself up to be hurt right now. Life sucks right now!