Wednesday, June 25, 2008

too busy!

Sorry everyone for missing the post the past few days. I've been crazy busy with work and life in general. The weekend was not that great at all. I'll srare all of the gory details but the saga with "G" continued from a drunken phone call from him Sat night saying that he loves me and wantes to spend the rest of his life with me and then he went and spent Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday with the convenient store girl with the 3yo kid. However we did have a LOOOOOng talk last night. He said (again) that it is over with convenient store girl and he doesn't havew feelings for her like he does me. He said that he is genuinely confused with things going on in his life but knows that he really misses me and wants to try again and is afraid that things will end up back at the same place. That is one statement that I can relate to. The end of our relationship is someplace that I never want to go again. We both were miserable people and conbine the two and it was not good at all. He cried a lot on the phone last night. I told him that ofcourse I was skeptical cause he has said he was done with this girl before, but time will tell. We have agreed to not talk or see each other for a solid week so he can get his shit together and I can do mine. Neither one of us want to jump into anything, just see what happens, and in a week who knows things may change for him. We also talked exclusively about his alcohol use and abuse and how that can make his emotions go crazy. It felt like it was a productive converasation and we both felt better about talking the truth and the bottom line.

Now to move onto more exciting things. WE GOT THE APARTMENT!!!! We will be officially moving in this weekend. My friend is picking up the keys today and starting to move her stuff in. I am so excited to have my own space now. I have ordered the bedroom set, my parents are helpiong me out some and I have to come up with the rest of the money for it. I have never had my own bed or set and it's going to be something to last me a very long time. I also won't be driving as much and will have cell phone reception all the time now, as opposed to my parents house.

Also Sunday we have our summer barn party. There is going to be cook out, drinks, lots of people, games on horseback and a bonfire after dark with some adult beverages to be had. I am hoping to take a vacation day on Monday so I can sleep in and then finish moving my stuff into the new apartment, I need to ask soon!

Went on a little trail ride with Possum last nigth after work. We went through the woods and then met up with a dirt road. As soon as I turned him he wants to take off so I let him. He galloped so fast that it took my breath away. I was laughing so hard that I thought at one time I might come off. He was just eating up the ground and pouring on the speed. We also jumped a gate that was across a trail a few times which is about 3ft. We got perfect striding each time, yippee. The we went through a huge field and just galloped through the tall grass. It felt good to ride my horse again. We know each other so well. I never have to second guess with him and am always relaxed. He never heisitate when I ask him to do something and we're just like one being when we're riding together, it's a freeing feeling. I took him back to the barn, gave him a good rub down and let him loose to eat grass until another big thunderstorm came through.

I left the barn and went home to pick up the dogs and went to my parents little camp on the lake to sit on the dock and relax. That was where I talked to "G" on the phone. It was peaceful lsitening to the loons and frogs. No one was on the lake and it was just framed with green colored mountains. I have many good memories of that lake as a kid. Canoeing, swimming, having diving shows with my cousins. If I listen hard enough I can hear our screams and laughter still resonate around the lake. I think it was a good place for me to talk to "G". Came home late and went to bed even later. I'm dragging ass today and have almost a 12 hr work day. I'm looking forward to the weekend although it is still going to be stressful with the move but it's good stress. Have a great day everyone.

Oh and on a side note. I did go to the show Sunday and had a bout of heat stroke, I'm fine now but it wasn't a good day for me. I'm just glad that last weekend is over.

The pic above is not me but it might as well be. I had a rocking horse at around this age almost the same one and would watch The Man From Snowy River and during the race scene just gallop that little plastic horse on springs. I had a need for speed even as a little kid. I thought this pic was fitting.


Stephanie said...

My parents have a lake cabin like that too - lots and lots of good memories.

Be cautious with "G" things - like that dirty closet or tack room - always tend to return to their original state. Its a law of the universe. You clean it up and then before you know its the same again.

I know you miss him but if you didn't want that before you most likely still don't. I'm not saying he can't change - because some guys can - though they are few and far between. Another law of the universe is that you can't change men - if they change its very difficult for them and they have to do it themselves and it rarely happens.

I am often confronting this in my marriage - i have remind myself that if I can't accept the way he is now then I need a divorce and I have to make that decision - can I deal with this? forever?

I used to gallop my horses out on the train too - was so fun, I miss that. Sometimes I would tap speeds I didn't know they had. Maybe someday I will be able to do that again.

Laura said...

Lots of stuff to cover in this post! Too bad about the heat stroke at the show - that is no fun.

Congrats on getting that apt., I hope you and your friend enjoy your time there. Having your own space is nice.

And the "G" thing - I totally agree with Stephanie - be careful with him. There are so many decent guys out there that won't cheat/drink/stretch the truth that you might be able to meet instead of re-hashing a history of weird behaviour with this guy.

But what do I know? I've been married for 9 years to the nicest guy ever. I wouldn't change a thing about him.

I hope it all works out in whatever way is best for you - sorry for an "assvice" - I don't mean it in that way...

Steph - sorry to hear that you don't have the best situation at home...

sidetracked said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate all of the good advice and read every single one. The "G" thing is tough for me because I just can't control my heart and how I feel. I truly feel that were are both going through a tough time in our lives. And for the record he never cheated on me when we were together, he is not like that at all! He just messed around with convenient store girl and mud run girl when we were broken up. It still hurts but I also had a fling and figured out that it just wasn't me and I needed something more. I see so much potential in him and it's up to him to tap into that. He's showing some growth now and thats why I think a week break with no commounication is good. Let him clear his head. Let me get on with work and moving and horses. We both went through a list on the phone last night about what we want out of life. It was amazing the similiarties and then we talked about how we were going to achieve those goals. It was actually a very grown up conversation. But I am listening to you and keeping my heart guarded for now.

Stephanie said...

Grown-up conversations are good. Better than drunken or tired ones or ones that are one sided as one part shuts down.
I was figuring it was something else that ended it. But if it was because you were both miserable with each other - that's where the Law came from. Me and hubby's relationship cycles like that - he'll push me to the point where I break down and am walking out the door then he'll back down act all nice maybe even go to counseling and it will last for a while but goes right back to being a self-centered ass.

Not trying to vent too much here - but his latest thing is to get to drinking on Friday (and not having slept for about 24 hours) night and then get to complaining about what a crappy wife I am. The next morning he says he remembers nothing, or he'll blow it off like nothing happened. When awake and not drinking I can't drag any of these issues out of him for an "adult conversation".

Laura said...

oh - I didn't really understand about the other 2 girls that were/weren't in the picture - sorry for assuming he was doing something bad...

I hope things work out for you, one way or another. Relationships sure aren't easy. I would probably die if I was out in the dating world - it's a scary place.

I guess it just makes me a bit sad to hear when people are having relationship troubles - whether married or not... A few drinks are fun sometimes, but not when it turns into saying things you don't remember/don't mean - or maybe do.

That's tough for both of you. I wish I could help somehow!

Anonymous said...

Stephanie gosh did you marry my ex? I firmly believe that for most people it takes a life altering experience to change - near death or untimely death of someone close to them, financial ruin you know the BIG stuff. Anyway it took me 10 years to get out of a bad situation and Stephanie your last paragraph for 10+ years was the sorry of my life - Sidetracked don't make it yours too.

The older you get the more time fly's and you can't get it back - gawd I DO sound like my Mom!

Anonymous said...

You have an interesting blog. I have just recently found blogging and think I could get addicted!
Some rambling thoughts, comments,ideas...
Love the idea of men and animals, humans can learn a lot from them.
While reading your journal and the comments, several things came to mind.
What precipitated the break up? I have found that most breakups take two.
Maybe some questions for you to think about ...kind of like a Pros and Cons list ...
What are the things you can not (and I really mean Should not) live with about G? What are the things he can not live with about you?
What was going on in your lives when things turned bad?
Can both of you forgive and forget?
For some reason, it seems men have a very hard time living without a women in their lives. :) Maybe because women can do it all, and men can't. That is not a good reason for men to jump from one sl** to another ...maybe one reason there are so many divorces now.
Does G understand alcoholism? Since it is in your field, maybe you could get him some literature to help him understand it.
I think it is wonderful that you have your animals, but make sure you get out with humans, too. Not to vent or focus on G, but so that you enjoy life to the fullest.
Do what feels right for you and no one else.