Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Oops I did it Again....

Does this song sound familiar to anyone? Well it about fits how I feel right now. Yesterday after work I went to the barn after picking up the dogs from "G's" house and went to watch lessons and hang out and be around friends. Went to see a filly that was born by one of the barn owners studs and she is sooooo cute! I was feeling still down and then "G" texted me and said that I had left a shopping bag of bras in his car that I had purchased from Sunday. So before you all start thinking bad thoughts it was a necessity. On Sunday on the way to Portland my underwire bra started poking through and was causing "the girls" a good amount of pain and discomfort. So I rushed into J.C. Penney and bought two bras. One I immediately put on in the mall bathroom and stuffed the old one in the bag with the new one. SO that's what I left behind. And as you all know bras ain't cheap! So I really didn't want to tell him to trash them. SO told him to drop them off at the barn sometime when he was around.

Fast forward to the end of the night. I'm getting ready to leave the barn and text him to tell him that I was eating leftovers from his miserable birthday meal. He texted back that he had already eaten his and it was good and thanks. I told him I was on my way home and he said he was too and asked if I wanted to get my bag of bras. I heisitated. I know it was wrong but I turned the car around and said that I would pick them up. I get to the house and he's just getting out of the shower in PJ bottoms and no shirt. God he is HOT! But I digress. I called the barn owner since it was past 9P at this time and asked her if I could sleep int he camper if "G" would let me drop off the dogs in the morning, they both said fine, and then "G" just had to ask if I wanted to stay on his couch. Damnit, dilemmas, I am no good at these especially in this weakened state. SO to make a long story shorter, I said that I would stay. things were tense at first. We promised no physical stuff (I know again) but ended up taking a shower, watched the news cause there was a local horse accident that I was really concerned about and then ended up doing the deed and falling asleep in his bed. OK, someone slap me as hard as they can up side the head NOW!!! I am weak, horrible and stupid and only hurting myself. I did happen to look at his phone while he was in the shower this AM and saw many lovely messages from the girl with the kid saying good night to him, showing up at his work and asking to see him, blah blah PUKE! Why am I such a glutton for punishment??? Why can't I let this slimy creep go? Because he was my slimy creep for so long and he wasn't always a slimy creep. I know how good and nice and sweet he can be. I realize that if I continue down this path it is only hurting both of us in our own healing. So as I try not to look at my phone today and tie my thumbs down to stop from texting I will count down the minutes until my counseling meeting today. I need some energy healing and strength to get through this. I'm bringing myself down to a level where I am not comfortable and makes me feel creepy and used. I'm better than that!

So to end the post, think I'm going to ride Moonshine after my counseling tonight if I'm not too tired. If I have any chance at all of riding at the show in less than 2 weeks I need to get myself in gear! I need to stick close to my friends and animals. My dogs and horse bring me strength and are trying to look out for me. I need to lsiten to them and stop being a stupid girl. So long "G", I need a break!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

HOT wet shirtless dude doesn’t' help shit (he planned that). But your last paragraph now you're talking!

sidetracked said...

Trust me, I'm trying despite all of my failures. It's just so hard to stay away from someone you truly love. I need to keep reading the last paragraph over and over and over.....

Stephanie said...

Stop saying that your are weak, horrible and stupid. Just stop that. You're not. You own a horse and dogs - therefore you are strong, independent, and smart.

But anonymous might be saying something we all need to hear sometimes - Cowgirl Up. Toughen up, get your bitch face on, and do what needs to be done.