Thursday, June 12, 2008

AHHHHHHH


Tomorrow is ever so close, the dreaded exam. Yesterday was a long day at work so to relax I swung by the barn to have a smoke and chill in the good weather. Got a good pep talk from a woman who is going through a similiar thing I'm going through with "G". I still felt kinds down though. Left pretty early to go home. I texted "G" just to ask if I got mail, cause not everything has been changed over. HE immediately called and said that I didn't have anything. He chatted with me for a few minutes, I was tired and I could tell he was tired. He said he go tout of work at noon yesterday to work on his motorcycle and just busy with jobs on the side and such, I told him I was busy with test and upcoming show. We hung up on civil terms, and you'll all be proud, I was the one to end the conversation, see it's the baby steps I need to focus on. I was still feeling kinda down so I decided to stop by the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. It' really beautiful up there on the hillside, hence the name hillside cemetery hehehe. I talked to them for a few until the bugs got the best of me and then decided to stop by their house which is like a mile down the road, see picture above.


The door was unlocked cause there's practically nothing in it and the realtor has been showing it to people. I walked in and the smell was just inviting. I could hear all the sounds of my childhood in the kitchen where we had so many parties and gatherings, it's like the walls were talking to me. My senses were overloaded. I caught myself yelling "Hello?" like I always did because my grandfather was usually sitting in his easy chair in the living room with the TV blasted. There was obviously no answer other than an echo around the room. It was sad to see all of the magnets on the refrigerator gone and all the family photos and dried flowers missing. My grandmothers cook books were still on the shelves. I miss them so much. They were animals lovers and realists. They lived only 4 miles from us growing up that we were always there either walking or biking and spent the night when my parents would go away. It was only 2 short years ago that they died. First my grandfather, and then 3 months later almost to the day my grandmother passed. They were a big part of my life. early on when I would do local shows walk trot and the junior stuff they would come and watch and my grandfather would buy us all cheeseburgers from the Feed Bag lunch counter at the show. My grandmother would stand on the rail and whisper "oh, isn't he pretty, good boy" as I would ride by. You never realize how much you care or miss their support until their gone. During these hard times I often picture myself talking to them and visiting with them about what's going on. It's conforting to talk to them in my thoughts. I went through the whole house. Upstairs I found a box of pictures that I carried on my hip and out the door. Instead of going home and studying, my parents and myself sat around the kitchen table and looked at old pictures. Pictures of a few years ago and some of back in the 50's and 60's. It was good to look at all the smiling faces agai nand see all the happy people. I really miss my childhood. My cousins used to come to Maine all the time and we were very close. Now we're adults with grown-up jobs and grown-up lives. One's a doctor, one is an environmentalist, my brother is workingon acting in Hollywood, one is getting married soon, one is still living at home (no, not me) And the youngest ones are graduating highschool this year. Where does the time go. Somedays I wish I could have one more day of running around my grandparents yard with shorts and a T-shirt with blonde hair flying and skinned up knees playing on the "big rock" with my cousins and begging for a sleep over that night. Those are all memories that I cherish and love and will have forever until I see my grandparents again.


So tonight going to the barn just for a few minutes to watch a lesson. Then coming home to pack for the weekend and get to bed at a decent hour. Probably can't blog until Monday cause my parents computer crashed and I won't be at work tomorrow. Everyone havea good weekend and do lots of things with your horses and or animals and family. Take Care.

3 comments:

Stephanie said...

I know how sad that is. I grew up with only on set of grandparents, as the other passed on when I was almost too young to remember them. So I was very close to my one set of grandparents.

Last year - following up on barn fire, and the loss of a good job, I lost my Grandpa - it was hard. I knew it was going to happen because he was sick and no longer talking or eating. So I said my good bye to him and left for a horse show. I wanted to be with my horses when it happened, and I am glad I was. It was a sad grey day - but I was happy that he was no longer in pain and in heaven.

It happened early in the morning so I got up, I threw on a hoodie on and drew the hood up over my head and hung out in Stretch's stall until my friend made me come out and eat something - Kelly - that same great friend that did so much for me after the fire.

Going through the old stuff is sad too but nice in away and I think you realized that. Those memories you'll have forever...so many things come and go but those will you'll always have.

Stephanie said...

Good job on dealing with "G" I feel uplifted knowing you are doing better!!

sidetracked said...

Just to add on to the "G" thing. I actually talked to him today because he knows about my show Saturday and wanted to know if I needed him to watch the dogs. Now, I know the dogs would love to see him and if he's around they would be happirt ahn being cooped up in my parents house. So I told him if he wanted to he could. I will drop them off at his house very early tomorrow, go take my exam and then go back to his house to pick them up in the afternoon and take them to the barn with me as I get ready for the show, ride, bathe, clip, braid, pack etc... The Friday night drop them back off at his house and go back to the barn to sleep in the camper to go to the show the next day. I'm looking for some strength in not caving or soing anything inappropriate. He even told me on the phone today that he knew my friend Sarah was mad that I was talking to him. He told me that he knows he's bad for me right now. I counteracted by asking him if what he as doing was good for his life and he said probably not. Atleast maybe he can realize it right now, but the questions is if he can act on it. So I need strength. This is going to be a trying beginning to the weekend with all this contact. But I can honestly say that it is for the good of the dogs and not some weird way for me to get my fix of "G". The message I want to send him is that I am not supportive of his behaviors or lifestyle and am not just going to do what he wants me to do. I told him on the phone after the whole "I'm not good for you thing" that I just needed to keep a little space between us, that made him not answer. So think of me tomorrow and I'll be hoping for the best show for U. I do wich that you wre closer so we could hang out!!! Ever think of coming to Maine for a vacation??? I know lots of horses you could ride, we have 61 at my barn.