After I hurried out of work in a frenzied ball of anxiety yesterday I arrived at my friends house for the trail ride and was able to take a breath. We chatted, I changed my clothes and the 2 other people showed up that lease her other horses. One is an older woman about 60 and her daughter who is 37. They were wonderfully nice and sweet and liked to talk which is a plus. We tacked up and hit the trails. It had stopped raining and smelled really good in the woods. I got to ride storm again who is their 6yo three quarters arab and one quarter STB. He is a blast and can sometimes be a little naughty but he settled right down to business. We went for about 12 miles at a nice clip. Storm hardly broke a sweat. I talked to Sarah and my friend Cindy a lot about my experiences with "G". It was weird because Sarah has been in almost the same exact spot, her ex used to be a mechanic, drinking problems, breaking up and then sleeping around with skanks. Her advice was to stop all communication and work on myself only. Asking myself the questions of why does he still want to be friends? How can you still be friends with someone you love who doesn't feel the same and watch them with other people? Isn't that like torture? (YES). And the notion that I think I will be an old maid the rest of my life. I used to hate that card game as a kid, getting the old maid card felt like getting the death card in a psychic reading.
The answer to all those questions is that I don't know why I love "G" so much. Why do I think if I wait around he'll grow and change eventually and run back into my arms the guy I love and know and repent for all of his badness. Kinda sound like a new Disney movie doesn't it? I can't get him out of mind. Nearly all of my thoughts are consumed with him, how he is, what he's doing, if he is thinking of me etc... I'm trying very hard to stay busy and surround myself with my horsey friends. Sarah who lives in NH and works in Boston even invited me to stay with her sometime in the city because she is some big HR boss and has charge of over 1,200 employees and gets free hotel rooms all the time. Asked me to go to a show and out to dinner. I think maybe it would do me some good to get out of Maine for a few days. We were both excited to have made a new friend and I can tell already that she is a great person. After the ride we hosed the horses, checked for ticks and gave them a thorough grooming. Then we went inside and had wine and chips and dip and fun conversation. It was nice to laugh and share things with other people. Also Peter really thinks I should do the 50 mile endurance ride at the end of the month with Cindy on Storm so he doesn't have to go. Peter broke his back a few years and long periods of riding really hurt him. and plus he says he's not in that good of riding shape. I'm seriously thinking about it. It woule be the longest ride Storm has ever done competitively and it would be my rookie ride. I'm mulling it over in my brain, I think I might enjoy it!
I then left and went to my barn to give Possum some pats and kisses. He came right up to the gate, smelled me all over and wouldn't leave my side. I touched him all over, scratched his favorite spots and we even did a little follow the leader running around the paddock. I really love my horse sometimes! I promised him that tomorrow we would hang out. He didn't look pleased with me.
So after all the good talks and being around supportive people ofcourse I had to text "G" and see what he was doing. He didn't answer. When I was on my way home from my barn a few hrs later I decided to call him. (I know, dumb) He answered and stated that he was at the garage just finishing up on his bike with his male friend and shop owner. He sounded all down and almost pissy. He said that he was just busy and didn't respond to me earlier and was tired and wanted to go to bed. It was a quick 1 min talk and then hung up. Why is it that I base my mood on what kinds of interaction we have? When it's a good conversation and happy and I feel like he's paying attention to me I'm happy. When he's not talkative and pissy I immediately become worried that he is mad, or with another girl or whatever. I need to stop that, but how? I am trying very hard to overcome this break-up. Sometimes driving in the car I repeat over and over that "G" and I broke up, I am now single and he is sleeping with other girls just to make sure that reality has set in. To convince myself that this guy is not worth my time and energy and not deserving of the feelings I have for him. Ohwell. Going to the barn tonight to sleep in the camper with my doggies whom I love. Then getting up to do stalls, riding Moonshine, then going back to my parents house for dinner with family members who are visiting and then back to the barn to sleep and then Sunday riding Moonie again and studying for this damn exam I have coming up on Friday the 13th (no joke!) and then Sat the 14th is the big show about 3 hrs away. I am going to be crazy busy and stressed and hopefully this will distract me a little from "G". Have a great weekend everyone. I am cautiously optimistic; as weekends tend to either be great and wonderful or hell, I'm hoping for the great.