Monday, June 2, 2008

my life sucks stometimes

This past weekend I hate to report was pretty rotten. I'll start out with the positive. I rode Possum Sat and Sun and he was really good but quite hyper. Yesterday I took some of the teen girls on my little 3 mile loop at a consistent hand gallop the whole time. I think they were so scared of me that they both strapped on helmets and had a look like they were going to puke. But we had fun, everyone stayed on and we burnt a lot of calories, nevermind the horses. We were sweaty and hot after and took a long time cooling the horses down and giving them a good hosing. The barn was relatively quiet this weekend and Saturday was rainy and pretty much fit my mood. The dogs and I slept in the camper the whole weekend. Now on to the crappy part. As you know "G" had the tuff truck competition and was going to be gone all weekend. We texted back and forth and it was casual and nice. He ended up staying over there Sat night and texted me to tell me he got 2nd out of like 60 people. Well I invited him to go out to eat in Portland Sunday since it was his birthday. This is hwer everything went down hill. I could tell that he was acting wierd. I finally said "so that did you screw someone last night" his face turned gray and he said "well yes" It turned out is was some random skank and they did it in his truck. What a dog!!! I was reeling. And then he told me before he met me he was making out with the other girl with the kids he has been seeing. I wanted to run away, wanted to leave and probably I should have. But we had an incredibly tense ride to Portland and then to the mall to see if he could use his gift cards. He went one way and I went the other. I did tell him that on Friday I met with the guy I had hooked uo with weeks past just to hang out and we ended up making out. "G" was so mad about that and kept calling me a dog and slut. Why the hell doe she care? and it only proved to me Friday that I don't want to mess around with others, it messes with the my head and makes me feel like crap, why can't he figure that out! So it was bad at dinner, bad on the ride home and only slightly got better at his house when we both said we weren't going to be physical and dontcha know it happened. I ended up staying the night ( I know stupid) and it just feels all wrong. He is still "seeing" this other girls with the kid. He says the girl at the competition was dumb and will never happen and he keeps calling me a liar for seeing this guy again Friday which I told him I probably wouldn't again. This is the total opposite "G" from last weekend who talked about us getting back together and such and all nice and aweet. This was the asshole part of him for sure. He kept syaing he was confused and dumb. I think he has no self esteem and is just wandering around aimlessly trying to find himself in other girls pants. Its killing me cause I care so much about him and I don't know what to do. Well I know I should satay away for a good long time but it is so hard for me. I'll write later, but just had to put this out of my head and on the computer. Let me know what Y"all think (I'm sure I can already guess) I just care for this man so much, I'm really not that stupid he's the fricken love of my life but I'm just setting kyself up to be hurt right now. Life sucks right now!


Samphony said...

Sidetracked, you're a smart girl, you know what's happening here. You are grasping for whatever you can get from G now...YOU are emotionally invested at a much higher level than G is. You've decided not to pursue other relationships, but he hasn't reciprocated that same committment. Doesn't seem to be a healthy "path" either of you are headed down. I think it may breed even more future mistrust between you two especially when you share your liasons with others. I may be wrong, but I don't think you are the type of person to handle casual sex easily. You are the committed relationship-type person because you are emotional. I am the same way. I like G, you know we all do. Good guy, very handsome....but you really need to hold yourself (and body) to a higher standard. Have some respect for yourself and your feelings. Give yourself time to sort it all out. We'll catch ya at the barn.......

Amy said...

Sidetracked, it seems like you two were doing so well, and I personally thought you were doing all the right things, taking it slow, working on your own problems, while he works on his. So that then you can be self confident, and he'll make up his damn mind. If he's going out doing random girls then how the hell should he be mad at you for seeing another guy?! How unfair is that? Anyways, keep your head up, and I know this is coming from a teenager, but I know you and i've been with you since this whole damn thing has started. Love yah =]

Anonymous said...

Okay so you made a mistake you had a setback it happens don't beat yourself up about it. The thing to focus on is how you feel now about what happened. A lot of people can relate to what you are going thru and it's easy to give advice when you're not living in the moment as you are now. The only fix is to cut all ties with this guy and if/when you're able to love him without being consumed by your love for him will you have a chance for a different type of (non-physical) relationship. He has to know he's hurting you terribly and he's not deserving of your physical love don't let him take advantage of you because you love him. Loving someone shouldn't make you feel bad!

YOU deserve better not him and my guess is he will never know the feeling of a happy committed stable relationship with anyone.

Stephanie said...

Leave him. Please, please, please trust me.

Leave him - it will be sad, start thinking about it, what it would be like, what you would do - try to keep it positive but get yourself used to the idea then do it. Yes he may be damaged goods and trying to find himself, but guys usually don't change and improve themselves like women can.

I don't even know him and I wanted to kick his butt on your behalf when I read your blog. If he can call you names like that then it will only get worse - these are warning signs for you girl. Get rid of him and stay close to your horse and dogs.

They are right loving someone is not supposed to make you feel bad - this is a warning you are issuing to yourself.

My marriage is going downhill and I may be making the same decision soon - us cowgirls gotta stick together. I'd take you to some shows if you were in my part of the country to take your mind off him. Lean on your friends thats why we have friends.