Monday, June 9, 2008

On a Positive Note....

Hold on to your hats folks. After reading many of my boring and depressed posts I thought it was high time that I talked about some of the good things that are happening in my life right now, and they particularly have to do with my animals and a few close friends. So just to recap quickly on the weekend of the soap opera that my life has become; it didn't start out too hot on Friday. I caved and texted "G" and asked what he was doing. To make a long story short he was getting ready to go out on a date with the girl with the kid. I was crushed, hurt, sad, angry and almost every emotion under the rainbow. So after hanging up it was a foggy and rainy day. I cried on the shoulders of my friends, while hugging my dogs and horse. I texted him back and said that this was it, I can't do this, friends is out of the question now and it hurt too much to be around him, I also wished him luck with doing better with a kid since he hasn't paid any attention to his own dogs." I ended up calling "G's" mom for some added support. Let me tell you about "Momma G" She is a great woman, a straight shooter, no sugar coating and will ALWAYS tell you the truth but is also a great listener and conversationalist, and for someone who processes verbally such as myself she is a godsend! I drank some wine, smoked a few cigarettes and tried to keep the tears to a minimum because she really sees no need for crying in her presence. It was good to just talk. It was by no means a bitch session on "G" rather it was a "this is how I feel right now and how can I try and move on and still protect my feelings." We did talk a little about how "G's" actions were confusing and just a bit about his drinking, but I did not want to go into too much detail. It's her son, she loves him no matter what and cares for him very much, but also knows that he is going through a rough time right now. We talked for hours! I hadn't eaten anything since late morning and the wine was really going to my head. She offered to have me stay the night and I figured that was a good idea. It was after midnight when I finally tried to sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes the world started spinning. I tried every position possible to get comfortable and get my mind off of puking but it got to the point that I knew I had to do it in order to feel better and sleep. I casually walked to the kitchen proclaiming that I needed a drink of water and ever so quietly discharged the wine I had consumed in the sink. Now I'm sure your all cringing and saying "The sink!!!" but it really was just clear liquid, no food particles were to be found and I gave everything a thorough rinsing.

So the next morning took a shower, got dressed, said my byes and gave lots of hugs and out the door I went for a fun filled day at the barn. I had to do stalls so that took me a couple of hrs. The day was getting quite hot so it was time to work on the tan. After stalls took a quick break and then rode Moonshine. She was a tad bit off in her hind end so decided to stick to a nice flat ride going all the way around the arena. She was awesome and listening really well and very responsive. Much better at beginning of this ride then she was the last time. I was sweating so bad that my sunglasses were slipping off my nose. Gave her a good hosing and sprayed her really with bug spray and turned her out to eat grass and walk around. Then changed into what I call civilian clothes and went to a friends house for her high school graduation party. I didn't stay long, but enough to scarf down some of her home made nachos which were delicious.

I then high tailed it the 40minutes to my parents where I visited and had dinner with them and my two aunts (my dads sisters) they are a riot and I love seeing them. They were really sweet and knew that I was having a hard time so a few weeks ago they bought me a "life is Good" sweatshirt with a horse on it. It was really touching and I thanked them profusely. So after dinner I grabbed a quick shower and headed back to the barn to sleep in the camper. I have to admit depression wise I was having a hard time Saturday night. Maybe it was because I puked my pills up the night before but it was really getting me down. I cried a little in the car to the dogs and tried calling friends when I got into range but no one was around. SO I dialed "Momma G" to help give me strength in not talking to "G" She set me on the path and I was able to be "G" free the rest of the night.

On Sunday it was a scorcher of a day. I am naturally hot blooded so any added heat it just kills me. I watched some lessons. A young girl rode Possum and he was good for the most part, got a little galloping in between the jump lines but was OK. SO I get a long text from "G" telling me that he's sorry to bother me and wants us to be friends but knows that he's not good for me right now and what he is doing is wrong but he needs to figure his stuff out. Everyone told me not to talk to him but I ended up sending a message which turned into 3 and 4. The talking ended and I wished him a good week in hopes that he would not text me again because I know my strength is shot when he talks to me first.

I studied a lot, got a lot of sun and spent good times with my dogs. I let Possum out to graze and relax and it was a nice quiet day at the barn. Then in the evening "G" writes to ask me about the phone plan we both share. I told him I wanted off and he refused saying that he would have to pay to take me off which I found out is not true but I wasn't going to push the subject. So again, he ended up inviting me to his friends house, I refused but stupidly said that they should get food close to the barn which he surprisingly agreed to. I waited and waited at the barn and then asked where he was and no response. Then I texted him to pick me up and he said he was on his way. Well he got there with his friend and was obviously very intoxicated and stepped out of the truck to take the longest pee I have ever seen a human do. He was angry and wanted to start a fight saying that they were already at the store and waiting for 15 min and where was I. Then he started and yelling about us and how I always confuse everything as him wanting to get back with me. And then he babbled on about hos confused he is and doesn't know what he wants, I agreed with him and said that his confusion was clear to everyone around him. He then wanted to really push my buttons. I flat out in front of his friend asked "G" why he wanted a friendship with me? What was he to gain? and the fact that I was no longer going to use my body for his own amusement. He got angry and yelled but never really addressed the friend question. He then turned to his friend with almost tears in his eyes and said that he wanted to leave, so they drove off leaving me at the barn with my thoughts and my 2 dogs. I didn't cry I just WAS.

On my way home "G" called me and told me that he had been crying the whole night, and that his mom called and he didn't know why she was and accused me of tattling to his family. he also said that he knew about Friday. I informed him that Friday was not a secret. He started crying on the phone and my heart broke. I turned the car around and continued talking to him until he said he had to call his mom back. I was genuinely worried. He was drunk, emotional and alone. I had to check and make sure he was OK because I only know with myself that those combinations of factors can be deadly. I drove to his house, turned out the lights in the car and parked only halfway up the driveway and walked the rest, I don't even know why. I stood at the top of the driveway and saw him through the kitchen window talking on the phone, probably to his mom. I sat down and just watched him through the glow of the window. He was still talking which I took as a good sign and then slowly walked down the driveway to my car to go home. I was pulling out of the driveway as he called me. I told him that I had stopped by and saw him from the driveway and decided to leave, he asked me why and I said because I didn't want to make him mad. I asked if he wanted me to come over, if he was OK and what he wanted. He said to come to the house. I came in and he was making his bed with red and watery eyes. I took over making the bed and he went into the living room and hugged and loved on the dogs. It wasn't until I heard wailing sobs that I went into check on him. He was curled up with both dogs just crying to thim. I sat on the edge of the couch and just put my arm around him. After a few minutes I asked him if he wanted me to leave the dogs for the night. He said to just stay since it was late, I agreed because my eyes were already drooping and my mind was buzzing. I looked him square in the eye and said that no kissing, nothing physical or more than a hug and I was there as a friend and someone who cared. He started crying again and asked me if I wanted to know if he slept with the girl on Friday, I said no and covered my ears and said that it messes with me and I can't think about that stuff. He said that he didn't because he was thinking of me and us and was confused and nothing really felt right unless it was with me. I started crying, I couldn't hold it back anymore. He hugged each other and just let the emotions pour out of us in the stuffy and sweaty living room covered in sweat and dog hair. I decided to take a shower since I was literally gross. He decided to join as long as he behaved. He kept asking for hugs but I stayed strong. After the shower he put the air conditioner in the window which I love and we went to bed while watching basketball. It was nice, it was comfortable. I felt like he was actually open and receptive to my feelings of caring for him. I slept like a baby and according to him talked a lot in my sleep. He called into work the next morning which I was glad to see. This kid never takes a break or time for himself. We took a shower and got dressed, went out for a quick breakfast and then I went to work. No kisses good bye and maybe we would see each other after my counseling appt tonight to pick up the dogs, no guarantees.

Now for the positives. My dogs are my life. The actual thought of even leaving them with "G" last night and going home without them was heart wrenching. They are my world, my best friends and we can literally talk to each other without ever speaking. My horse. He is also a big support for me right now. I know he understands everything that it going on and really hasn't given me a hard time about anything lately. I touch him all over and put his cheek bones in my hands and just love on him and he takes it. The barn, my safe haven. The place where I feel the most comfortable, where my sanity comes back to me. My family has been very supportive of all this crap. I told them how I was feeling Saturday night and they asked if I would stay and stuff but I know I just really needed to be alone and at the barn with my dogs. My friends. They are probably the most frustrated with me. Every time crap comes up between "G" and I they are always there and understanding and must get really tired of saying over and over again just "stay away from him". Their great and I hope that they really stick with me through this hard time regardless of how many times I slip and fall. This blog I find to be helpful for me. I like writing and getting things out there so they don't just stay and stew in me, and also all of the helpful comments that I have received. Although it is really hard to follow the advice sometimes I always read and reflect in it none the less.

SO I have a very busy week. I have a huge test on Friday the 13th, a big horse show on Saturday and a busy work week of playing catch up from the week before. SO comment away everyone, would to hear from you all, even if it's to tell me how disappointed you are in me. Honestly, I feel OK today. I don't know if it's because I had my dose of "G" or what. I'm calm, ready to work, not stressed and looking forward to riding tonight. I need to continue to focus on myself and stay on the right path and keeping busy is a good way to do that so I don't become consumed in my thoughts. Have a good day everyone.


Stephanie said...

Hi there,

You did a good job - don't know if I would've gone over to make sure he was ok (that's what his mother is for), but it looked like you tried your best to help and did not cave. I only worry because even that little bit of contact make moving on with your life more difficult.

It re-kindles hope that you'll get back together, making you reluctant to be open to the advances of other men that could really make you happy. I mean really really happy :)

If there is a situation like that in the future maybe call his mom and let her know you are concerned for his safety and let her handle him. Then you've done the right while keeping a safe distance at the same time.

Guys do that kind of thing - "like being friends with benefits" they have the emotional and sexual support they need without any of the responsibility of maintaining an adult relationship - when you threatened to take that away it really rocked his world.

Change for both parties is hard - I hope you continue pulling away from him and move on with your life which could be so much happier right now.

If only a short period of time had gone by between the time you took your pills and the time they came back up at you - you can take another set. I know, hard to think of while there is wine on the brain, but for future reference...

You remind me of me 8 years ago...and I wish I had made different choices.

Anonymous said...

Dito what stephanie says! I have also been there know what your going thru and this is sound adivice. Two years in realationship hell for me and this after a ten year crap marriage!